beautiful day

Wow... today has left me speechless... I had such a wonderful day!  I woke up, I watched a few shows, had coffee, went to the farmers market, ate beautiful fresh food, walked around my old town, came home and altered this spanish inspired white linen dress so i could wear it to the Cinco de Mayo festival,  went to the mall and scored 3 pairs of panties from Victoria Secret for only $14.00, came home, made love, took a nap, woke up, went to the festival, had churros and tacos, left the festival, walked around my old towne again with coffee, stopped at the store, came home, made a healthy dinner, took a shower, had a cocktail, and now I'm getting ready for bed.  What a full beautiful day it was!  Spent with new friends, and old friends, doing new things, and enjoying what has been given to me! 

For the first time, I loved who I was, and what I was doing!  It was such a beautiful day! 

I hope you are finding the joy in the everyday simple things of this one life we have!!!  

self reflecting...

I've been doing a lot of self reflecting today, and the past few weeks/months.... I want to make a change... I want to be different than I am right now, so I'm trying to understand myself so I can make these adjustments, and ultimately find peace with myself!

Today I was expecting to spend time with a guy friend of mine.  In my eyes, this meeting should have started much earlier than it did.  Because of that, I felt the need to "hurt" the other party, but trying to make them feel sorry for me.  What the heck?  I ended up laying in bed, looking all mopey and lame, and then I decided to snap out of it and get up and act like I was having fun.  Why do I think looking pathetic makes the other person feel bad, and change their ways.  It never has in the past....  

So, I'm making a shift to not want people to feel bad for me, and turn that negative energy into positive energy and go do something for myself, and with myself so that in the future I don't have to rely on people's feelings or actions to make me happy!  And I don't have to rely on the company of others to satisfy my boredeom.  And ALSO I decided that when ever I start feeling lonely and with nothing to do, I'm going to reach out to my girlfriends and see about getting myself included more often.

I really need to start rebuilding relationships with people that I let go of.  And I'm trying to find inner peace so that I can be happy with myself, because I sometime spew my negative on others with out even knowing it.  All this time I thought I was a really positive person, but looking back, I think I'm actually pretty negative.  I had no IDEA! So I'm starting this shift, to help me end up in a better place than the one I'm coming from right now.

29....

So, I'm 29....  I'll be 30 soon... it didn't used to matter... but for some reason, it all of a sudden does.

The other day I found a lump in my breast.... I wasn't scared at first... I'm still not SCARED... I'm more disappointed... disappointed that i'm almost 30 and I haven't done anything... I don't really care about getting older, but I'm disappointed that i'm almost 30, and I've been in the same spot for such a long time, and I found a lump, and THIS could be it... What have I been wasting my time for?  I keep saying... "I'm gonna do.... I'm gonna.... I'm gonna.... "  seems to be my favorite phrase!  I'm gonna.... Sounds real... But it never turns out.  I never do what I say I'm gonna do.  Never.

So, I was wandering around the house this evening thinking to myself... What would I tell my 20 year old self... Wondering if I would actually listen or not... And then I got to thinking... I should ask my parents... I should ask my older friends, aunts, uncles, grandparents... If you were my age again... What would you tell yourself?  And I wanted to say... Be BRUTALLY honest!  But I was a coward thinking they would direct their comments to how they THINK I should live... So I left that part out... But I'm interested in what my elders would tell their younger selves.  I feel like this information could be so useful in the future decisions I make for myself!  And... I'm interested in what YOU would tell your 29 year old self!

Well hello there...

Where have you been???  Oh, is it me who disappeared?  yea, it was me!  Well, I'm here, trying to make a come back!  I've been busy these past few months, and got sort of lost in all of the madness!  I'm thankful the Holidays are over!  I'm thankful for the new year.  I'm ready for some change, and trying to find the strength to make those changes.  I'm trying to get over "temporary satisfactions" and try to focus more on long term happiness!  I'm trying to remember, "does the good out weigh the bad?  or vice versa?".  I don't want to hurt anyone, but prolonging is hurting.  I'm being a coward, and afraid of losing a friend, and that temporary satisfaction.  So, I've been racking my mind with what to do, and how to do it, or is that what I really want.  So, we'll see.

I'll post more regularly, and I'm coming up with some new ideas for a blog.  Something i'm really passionate about, but scared about the judgment of it all.  More details to come!!!

Grandpa Sam

My Grandpa Sam was one of my most favorite people! I remember how he used to love coming over to our house Christmas morning to watch me and my brother open presents.  He once took me and my cousin Scott on a long bike ride down the riverbed all the way down to the Queen Mary in Long Beach.  When he babysat my brother and I one weekend, he told us, "rules were made to be broken", and let us eat in our rooms, and play Nintendo the entire time.  You could often find him playing the latest and greatest gaming system, and he was usually the first one to beat the games!   He took me fishing off the seal beach pier, and made me put my own worms on the hook... gross!  He came to our baseball, basketball games, or swim meets.  He used to come watch me when I was in Tall Flags, and the first time he came, I accidentally hit my team mate in the head with my flag, and my grandpa NEVER let me forget that!  He loved his family, and he loved everyone of us to come over for bbq's and holidays every chance he got.  His favorite holiday was 4th of July, he would make his own fireworks, and even passed the love on to all of his grandsons.  He was a big prankster and BSer. He was funny. He was tall.  He was strong.  He loved to golf.  He loved his job working at the car auction. He loved to ride his bike.  He loved people.  He loved life!

I think that he had a special relationship with each and every one of his children and grandchildren.  We all loved him, each in a different way, for a different reason.  Everyone who met Grandpa Sam had that same sort of relationship with him.  We all know him in a different way. Which makes each relationship unique.

One afternoon in the year 2004 we were visiting with my grandpa and he was complaining to my mom about his shoulder and neck hurting as he had a pinched nerve.  He said he needed to go to the doctor because of a bad cough he had and my mom told him to mention the pinched nerve.  Later that week we got a call from my aunt that the doctors thought he had lung cancer.  I remember waiting for my mom to come home to tell her about the call.  I felt sick.  I felt dark.  I felt the same way I felt the day the Twin Towers were hit.  I felt as if a tower in my life had been hit.

We visited him in the hosptial and he looked like my strong grandpa.  He was positive and he said "we'll beat it" we all knew he would because he was such a strong man so full of life. He fought hard for 21 months, and on March 30, 2006 the cancer won the battle. I think of him often.  I dream of him often.  I like to think that is how he visits me, in my dreams.  I like to think that he is always around, playing practical jokes on us.  I miss him.  I wish I knew him now, I wish he knew the me I am today.  I wish he knew my daughter, and all of his other great grandkids.

A few years ago, my mom started walking in the lung cancer walk that was started by Lungevity.  Last year I walked with her, and I was deeply moved.  It was a small event, but you could see the passion and importance and people were there for a reason. I didn't raise any funds last year, I only paid my registration fee and walked.  This year, I decided that I would do more.  I set a goal, and I decided to ask people I knew, and people that I don't know to walk with me, or give a donation.  I don't know many of you that read my blog, but I know that you must be great people (since you read such a great blog!)  and I am asking for help and support with this walk.  Think of it as sacrificing your daily coffee just one day, and donating that coffee to lung cancer research.  Even if you can't donate, because I know as well as any that times are tough, I would appreciate it if you would check out my page, and check out Lungevity and maybe there will be an event near you that you can participate in.  I really appreciate any and all support!! Thanks so much! :)

Please visit my personal page here.

A moment of POWER....

Today, I had this great moment of power, and now I can’t get over it!!! It’s like the best adrenaline rush + a great boost of confidence and energy! I’m very proud of myself! So here is what happened! I happen to work with my boyfriend (the Guitar Hero) it’s going on 10 months now, which is pretty good! I’m pretty happy, but of course I have my days where I get extremely irritated with The Guitar Hero because he is a guy, and guys are dense! There, I said it! Now it’s out in the open and we are all on the same page! So, lately I feel like we’ve been doing whatever he wants to do, and sometimes he wants to do boring things! He plans every day, and his plans include sitting in his car in a parking lot for lunch. That is cool sometimes, but not every day. So, today he calls me and this is how the convo goes:




GH: “Hey, its .50 pizza day, so do you want a slice, and we can sit in the car? I’m taking a 30 min lunch, so it’s up to you if you want to go or not, I know you cantake an hour.”

Me: “uhhhhh”

GH: “oh, ur trying to be healthy right? Okay well you don’t have to have pizza, but I’m going to have a slice, then take a 30 min lunch in the parking lot. It’s up to you if you want to go”

Me: “yea, I don’t want pizza, I was going to have a spinach salad with turkey breast, and I don’t want to eat salad in the car, it’s kind of hard, so I’ll just eat at my desk. Just do whatever you’re going to do, and I’ll do whatever I’m going to do”

GH: “Bwahahahahaaa… ur so funny, are you saying ‘I don’t want to play your reindeer games, I want you to play my reindeer games’”

Me: “ummm… I guess… I am not trying to play reindeer games, I just don’t want to sit in the car for 30 mins doing what YOU want to do. I think I’m going to target, I need to go do something fun for my hour”

GH: “Well, you leave the plans up to me, and now you aren’t happy because they aren’t fun… UGH!”



So, he got all mad that his plans are lame, and my plans are AWESOME! AND I couldn’t be happier about it. I just feel like lately all we do is whatever he wants, if he wants me to go to lunch with him to run his errands I do, if he wants me to just chill with him, I do. If he wants me to bring lunch from home for both of us, I do. It’s all about him and what he wants, and I get really frustrated and take it out on him. But the thing I realized today is that I have power. I have the power to do what I WANT TO DO, and I can do what is going to make me happy, and happy HEATHER is a better HEATHER!!! So, I just felt really good about making plans for myself that are going to make me happy. I need to stop worrying about him; I need to stop taking care of him! I’m not his mom or wife, I’m just his girlfriend! And you know what, he doesn’t go out of his way for me, and he doesn’t do whatever I want him to do. If I have “lame” plans in his eyes, then he makes his own plans. So, I’m going to start doing the same! It feels good to not rely on him to make me happy! I NEED TO MAKE MYSLEF HAPPY!!!! That is one thing that I keep trying to teach myself and learn over and over and over! I think one day I’ll get it! Lol!!! ONE DAY!!! But it’s getting closer to that day! And I LIKE IT! I like this new freedom I feel!!! I hope I can make it last!!!

Body Image Change

Lately my relationship with food and my body has changed in such a positive way!!! Here are some examples. Usually I wake up and I'm ready for breakfast and coffee. Now, I hardly think about eating until around 9:00, instead of the normal 6:30! For a while I would have a huge plate of fruit at my desk because i would get so hungry so quickly. Now, I bring and apple or an orange, and i may or may not eat it. My mouth hurts from chewing, and I'm only eating normal sized meals for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Something happened when I started admitting I had a problem! It was as if I were in jail, and as soon as I was honest with myself, the bars came down, and I feel free! Now I'm eating for fuel, and not for comfort, or joy, or sadness, or because its time.

I've been walking and running almost every day, and I'm not losing pounds, but I'm definitely sliming down, and looking better in my clothes. I no longer have a "pounds to loose goal" because i see that the number doesn't always matter, now I have goals about what I want to see slim down (my tummy... from having that big ole baby of mine!) and over toned in my whole body. I'm not very interested about losing my size, as i am losing the mommy tummy bulge. The MOST important thing is feeling happy and confident and knowing that I'm looking good, and I should be proud of what I've accomplished!