Coming Clean

So, there has been something weighing on me and my mind. I decided that I want to talk about it because it is something that consumes my every thought for most part of most days. I thought that by ignoring it on the outside, that would make it go away on the inside, but really it just made it worse and it has spiraled into something I can’t control and something that needs to be addressed so that I can possibly start living a different type of life. So, let’s dive right in.


All of my life I’ve felt fat. I’ve always been the biggest girl, I’ve always had a tummy, and I’ve always felt fat. I’m going to be extremely honest, in hopes of helping myself, and helping someone else. For most of my high school days I was a size 13, and barely fit into that size 13. Every day I felt insignificant, ugly, and fat. My mom used to tell me that it was baby fat and that one day I would get tall and the fat would fall into place, and to be honest, I’m not sure if that ever happened or not. Now looking back, I was pretty average, and I should of learned to love myself because there was NOTHING wrong with me. Shortly after high school, I met my husband, and right away started going out to dinners and sitting around. Before I knew it, or realized it I was a size 18, and about 250 lbs. I don’t even really know when or how I got to be that size, I didn’t see or feel it happening, but it did. I lived with that weight for a good amount of time, probably close to 6 or 7 years. In 2009 I decided that I wasn’t going to be fat anymore. The thing that triggered it was someone saying some pretty harsh things about my size, and it made me feel really down, really low, and really horrible. So I started walking, and following the Weight watchers plan in July of 2009, and by November I had lost close to 50 lbs. It felt great and I was excited to keep it going and to lose another 30 or 40 lbs. In Jan of 2010, things in my marriage were not so great, and I separated and at that point I stopped following my exercise and food plans and I stayed at 200 lbs for the entire year of 2010. I have to say that even though I was disappointed that I didn’t lose, I was happy that I was able to at least keep the weight off and stick at the weight I was. Recently I started back on my healthy eating and walking and running plan, and I am already starting to see results and get complements from family and friends who are seeing the results as well. So, today I am at 194 lbs.


Even though I’ve lost the amount of weight I’ve lost, and I fit into things that I have NEVER fit into, I feel fatter than ever. I look at my arms and think “yuck” I look at my tummy and thing “ugh” will it ever go away, will I ever be happy with myself? Every bite of food I take is justified in my mind. For instance, there is a Fresh and Easy Chicken enchilada that I happen to LOVE! It’s satisfying, its filling, its tasty, it’s so good, and the meal is 320 calories, and low sodium and has a good amount of fiber, so I enjoy eating it. But, for some reason, in my mind, I have to constantly justify the fact that even though it’s a processed food, it has a good amount of calories and that it is on the healthier side of things and I shouldn’t feel guilty for eating it. This sort of dialog happens with everything I eat, or think about eating. I also say things to myself like “well, I’m going to go running later, so it’s okay if I eat this ______ now” or “its veggies so I can have extra” EVERYTHING has an excuse or justification.


The other day, I weighted myself and I was 190, the lowest I’ve ever been (since I was probably 10…) and I was so excited! I was thinking, soon I’ll see 189, oooo how I long to see the 180’s! But then after more running and working out and yoga I get back on the scale and I’m at 195. It’s so frustrating and discouraging, but then I remind myself that my pants are fitting me better, and dresses that used to be too tight are fitting me perfectly now. Maybe its muscle that is causing me to weigh more, and then I think “don’t make excuses for why you weight more, it’s probably that burrito you had, or the way you ate in Chicago last week.” I never give myself a break from food or my weight. I’m always thinking about it and I try to not talk about it, but according to the Guitar Hero, I’ve told him at least 10 times how the fresh and easy meal has only 320 calories in it. I had no idea I told him that many times.


I was trying to get all Oprah on myself and think “where is this all stemming from” but I really don’t know. All I know is that I was FAT, and I’m still a big girl. I don’t’ want to be FAT anymore; I’m terrified of being back to a size 18, and being 250 lbs. Maybe because I ignored it so much when I was younger, I’m trying to make sure that I do EVERYTHING to not ignore it now so that I don’t let it spiral out of control again. Maybe by talking about it now, I can stop living with it, eating me up inside. I’m not sure, but I’m trying so hard to stay on track with my weight loss, and it’s hard when I’m a single mom, working full time, I have a 3 year old that I’m raising, a new boyfriend, drama drama drama everywhere drama, lack of funds to join a gym or buy the “expensive” healthy food out there. And I really am doing my best, and even though I’m in this weird stage where I feel fatter than ever, I’m also at this stage where I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished, and it makes me feel good that my clothes are fitting me, and people are noticing. I just need to find a way to not let food and weight control my every ounce of being, and learn to enjoy food, and use it as fuel for my body, not fuel for my every ounce of being.


So, I’m not going to ignore it anymore, I’m going to talk about it, I’m going to seek out advice, and hope that other people can offer words of wisdom, and things to think about to help shift my focus and my thinking so that I can live freely and stop being a prisoner to this!

me... may 2009 - 250lbs



me.. nov 2009 - 210lbs

me today may 2011 194lbs

so... that's all the honest hard to say, I don't really want to admit my weight sort of truth. But i feel like i have to do this in order to come clean with myself, and hopefully learn to move on from this obsession I have!

Trust?

How do you know when you can trust someone? How do you know when you are or aren’t being played? What do you do when you find out that people you thought you could trust are actually not trustworthy at all? I’ve heard that saying “trust your gut” but my gut always lets me down! It never gives me a reason to not believe someone. It makes me question someone, but once the questions are answered, everything is satisfied. Recently I was told two things that have been eating away at me ever since, the first thing was “your problem is that you don’t know when you’re being played” and the second is “I felt like I needed to tell you what you wanted to hear”. Those are some pretty deep statements coming from someone you are supposed to be able to trust. After saying something like that, do you expect to be trusted again? I’ve also heard things, and found things out that I want explanations for, but will the explanations just satisfy me and not really be the truth? Is it worth even going there? This is not just from one person, it feels like there are lots of people I put my trust into, that are talking about me behind my back, and now I feel exposed, I feel like my little world is imploding, I feel like I can’t trust anything or anyone. I feel like running away from everyone and disappearing for good, starting over, starting new, and not let anyone into my little trust bubble again.

Traits from Mama

When I was growing up I used to think “I’ll never be like my parents!” I remember watching them and thinking they were lame, and that they didn’t know anything, they never let me do anything and I was always grounded for having bad grades. The constant motto in my house was “Heather, if you only applied yourself!” I couldn’t wait to prove them wrong, and show them, and have my own daughter and let her do whatever she wants and I swore that I would never take on their traits. Well, I was wrong! First of all, now that I have my own daughter, I know why they never let me do anything!!! And secondly, I’m not sure why, but lately, more and more I’ve been noticing how much I am like my mother! I think it’s all the conversations I’ve had with The Guitar Hero. He asks me lots of questions that make me think about myself, and how I got to be the person I am today. My mom always wants to know the whole story. She will ask a million questions to get to the bottom of it. I am the same way, but I never realized how much I am like her in this way. I only recently noticed it because she was asking questions about The Guitar Hero, like “have you met his kids” “where does he live” “how are things in his life” “when will ‘certain’ things happen” and I’m like SHEESH, what’s with the 20 questions lady, I’m not ready to answer all of these questions, and the answers could be changing at any given second so I don’t want to commit to an answer, and then have it change! Last night, The Guitar Hero was over, and I started asking him questions, and he said “man, you don’t let me get away with anything do you?” Then I started thinking about my mom, and how she passed on that trait to me. Since I’ve been so in tune with my mother and the things she has passed to me, it’s been on my mind A LOT. Last night I was cooking dinner, and I was standing at the stove with my hand on my hip. I thought “OH CRAP!” my mom does that!!!! SHOOT! It’s happening!!! I’m becoming HER! Don’t get me wrong, my mom is an AWESOME lady! She is smart, beautiful, funny, generous, loving, caring and all around awesome! I should be so lucky to be just like her! BUT! You know, when I was a kid, I swore I never would! My plans are backfiring. I’m now striving to be like my parents, when before, I was doing everything I could to not be like them.

My mom LOVES the holidays; she has specific ones that she goes nuts for! Christmas and Easter. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because a fictional character comes to visit you in the night. That’s kinda creepy Mom… But, it’s true! Santa Clause and the Easter bunny BOTH come in the middle of the night and leave presents and then disappear into the fog, or something like that. It must be that magic of these two holidays that she loves so much. A few weeks ago she asked Mac what she wanted the Easter Bunny to bring her. So, for weeks now, my child has been asking about the Easter Bunny and wants to go see him. Thanks mom! That’s one the things that I love about my mom so much! That she cares about holidays, and family, and traditions and she keeps them going! Her dad, My Grandpa Sam was that way too! He kept our family together until he died, and everyone sort of went in their own direction. Now that I have a child, I get very choked up thinking about holidays and seeing Mac’s face light up when she wakes up to see what Santa or the Easter Bunny brought for her. It’s magic like that that we need!! It’s magic like that that keeps us together, and keeps tradition alive, and reminds us that the most important thing is family and each other. See, another trait that she has passed to me, without me even knowing about it! I’m so grateful for my mom, and for the lessons she has taught me, and for all of the beatings I received (not really!), and the summers spent on restriction. I don’t look one bit like my mother, and in fact she is so young, that we used to be mistaken for sisters (right mom). She has light hair, I have dark hair, we have different facial features, different skin tones, different body types, but on the inside, in my heart, and in my mind, and in the inner being of who I am, it all comes from her, and I’m proud of that! I am who I am today because of that lady and her never giving up on me, and always pushing me to be better and for having me at only 20 years old, and giving me the best life I could have had! She sacrificed a lot! A LOT, her “young fun years” and she NEVER EVER once acted like she missed it, she is the best mom! ALWAYS THERE for me and my brother! No matter what we needed, we had it! So, THANKS Mom! You are the best! I love you so much! Thank you for life, and for everything else!

Bumpy Roads and Pretty Packages

Did you know that the ears and eyes are 2 parts of our bodies that self heal themselves? Not sure why, but they are! It seems like The Guitar Hero and I are pretty good at self healing too! Lately we have been going through some issues that have been bothering him. What bothers him bothers me, so we’ve been doing lots of talking, and communicating and listening, and thinking and re-talking, and e-mailing, and thinking, and responding and coming to conclusions that are helping us to resolve all of these issues. It’s actually pretty fascinating to think about where we started, and where we’ve ended with all of this. One of the most beautiful parts of all of this is how each conversations leads us to a stronger bond, which leads us to better understanding of each other. Today we were continuing the discussion and he was talking, trying to explain something to me, and I threw out a term that make him have an “ah ha” moment, and then he was better able to explain what he meant to me. It’s so nice to have trust in someone, and know that they love you, and be able to say what you feel without feeling like it could ruin everything. I think we both feel that way. We go into a conversation knowing and explaining that what we have to say isn’t pretty, but it also doesn’t change the way we feel, but it needs to be said, and dealt with so we can move forward. This is one of the many things that I love about The Guitar Hero! Everything is so easy and just clicks into place with him! It’s so easy to talk to him, to explain things to him, to have conversations with him. Good, bad, and ugly conversations. He never judges me on the deepest darkest feelings that I have. It’s so nice, it’s so freeing! I didn’t think that existed!

This past weekend I was probably the most vulnerable that I’ve been around him. I was going through some things, and I needed him to be there with me. I’ll be honest and say that he wasn’t so happy with me, he was having doubts and feelings and wasn’t necessarily mad at me, but mad at a certain situation. He knew that I needed him, and he swallowed those angry feelings, and he came and he was there for me. He took 100% care of everything I needed, he was loving, and caring, and held my hand when I needed him to, and wiped my tears when I needed him to, he made me breakfast, lunch and dinner, and got me everything I wanted, when I wanted. Later, he told me that he was really upset with the prior situation, and was taking it out on me even though I had no idea. In my heart, I’m looking at this in two ways. First I thought, well, he must really care about me if he was able to swallow those feelings and just be there in the way that I needed him to be. Second I thought, if he wasn’t giving me his all 100% loving attention, and I only got the 80% he told me he gave, then, I’m kinda bummed I missed out on that extra 20%. Overall though I see that he will be there for me, when I need him, no matter what, because he loves me, and he cares about me, and he knows that I need him. I thought that was kinda great!

Little by little we are learning about each other, we are finding that we love each other more than we’ve ever experienced, and because of that, all of the little bumps you find along the way, are surfacing much quicker. I think it’s good because we can deal with it all now, and move on, and enjoy this journey even more. After everything that happened this weekend, and all of the discussions we’ve had over the past few days I feel even stronger love for him. I feel a stronger bond for him; I feel more of everything for him. I enjoy the bumps in the road because they are exciting, they are learning experiences, they are growing pains, and lessons to live by. Without the bumps it would be very boring! Sometimes you can wrap a horrible situation up in a pretty package and put a pretty bow around it and it looks nice from the outside, but inside there is turmoil and angst and all bad things. I don’t want any pretty bows or packages, I just want real, raw emotion that grows, changes and evolves and makes us better!

Whats been going on....

Nothing, not one little thing interesting has been going on with me! I’m tired beyond all belief. Its 2:00 and I’m ready for a nap! I’m sitting here at my desk trying to force my eyes to stay open! I just put some eye drops in to moisturize and revitalize them. It’s not working. Then I thought, Hmm… I haven’t written much lately. Let’s try to conjure up something interesting to write about. How are things going with Mac you ask? Well, she is in her terrible 3 stage. She enjoys jumping on my furniture, eating in my bed when I’m at work, and leaving me a messy crummy bed. She loves playing at the park, and would live there if she could, but her mother forces her to leave after only 2 hours of play time, and then she turns in to devil baby and refuses to bathe, eat, even make cookies for the rest of the night. She also enjoys using terms such as “don’t talk back to me” “what’d u say” “you don’t like me anymore” “no way” “I just a baby” “I not too little, oh no I not”, and the list goes on. She eats only for her grandmother, and refuses all other food options unless there happens to be mass amounts of sugar involved. Sometimes, I call myself, and pretend I’m talking to Grandma. Here is how that goes. “Hi Grandma, how are you? Oh, you want Mac to take a bite of her chicken, Okay I’ll let her know, thanks for calling” and then, Mac suddenly eats her chicken. It’s AMAZING. Those grandma’s have sneaky grandma tricks I’m convinced! She hurt her finger last weekend, so this week as been “Week-o-Band-Aid” every hour she needs to change it, even it if happens to be at 3:00AM, and if that 3:00AM band aid wasn’t sticky enough, we have to change it again. Starting today, I have 5 days off, and she will be with her dad for the next 5 days. I do miss her, but MAN I enjoy the RE-Charging of my batteries when she is away!

Today I found out that James died of an overdose. In my heart I knew that’s what it was. I think that I dealt with that months ago, that I’m not affected by it. Maybe it’s good to know as closure, but I already knew without having to have proof. I’m not sure why or how I knew, I guess just intuition. I feel bad for his daughter. She is a sweet girl, extremely smart, funny, and just all around great! I don’t really get to see her since her family didn’t really know me. We are still neighbors, but I’ve seen her maybe once or twice since everything happened. I just pray that she learns from all of this, that she stays strong, that she doesn’t follow in his footsteps!!!

The Guitar Hero and I are THRIVING! Its great!!! A real relationship with out all the drama and hassle and worry and DRAMA! It’s very nice! We are able to talk, and actually communicate, and agree upon things like reasonable people. Who knew that was a possibility? Right now we are spending a lot of time wanting to be together, but aren’t really SUPER able to spend as much time as we want. We both work, have kids, have activities and are trying to find the balance. It’s nice though, because on the days that we are able to see each other, we have a great time, we have lots to catch up and talk about, and it’s a lot of fun! I guess that’s how things are supposed to be at the beginning anyway. Not “hey, we just met, 30 seconds ago, would you like to move in?” So, I’m really enjoying it! I am not going to lie though; I do want him over every day, all day. That’s just me though, and I’m trying to find the balance for myself so that I can learn and grow and be able to make myself happy, so that I can be happy in a relationship. He met Mac last week. She really liked him. She was her normal self, and I thought it went great!

SO, that’s what’s been going on. Fun life stuff! I’m ready for the weekend, and sleeping in! its only Wednesday!

Its Finally Friday!!! Free Again!!!

It’s Friday… YAY!!! I feel like I have senioritis. You know those last weeks of high school where you just feel like you’re already on vacation. Mine is a little backwards though. This past Monday and Tuesday I was on vacation, so the past 3 days, I’ve been living in vacation mode! I haven’t been much inspired to write. I’ve been tired, and worn out and all I feel like doing is going home for a nap! I have been busy though! I’ve been spending oodles of time with my little Mac! We’ve been visiting the library for weekly PJ Story Time. Last year, we got kicked out of story time because someone (NOT ME) was a little to wild to sit still and listen. We recently tried again, and there has been a vast improvement! Tuesday was a vacation day for me and I took her to the park. She ran around for 2 and a half hours and I sat in the sun, and got sunburned. Lovely! At about 2:00 I decided it was time to go home, maybe have a nap, and some mommy quiet time. I had to drag her, kicking and screaming. I guess she wasn’t done. So, I see that we need to practice going to the park, and leaving the park, and now that the time is changing (YAY!!!) we will have more daylight longer and will be able to go to the park after work, which I’m looking forward to!
Tonight, The Guitar Hero is going to meet Little Mac. I think it will be fun. I am not worried about it at all! I think Mac will like The Guitar Hero, and EVERYONE likes Mac, so it will be fun! We are going to take her to Disneyland, and hopefully get some yummy desserts! (We always eat dinner before going to Disneyland! YOU WILL SAVE HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS THAT WAY!!!) However, if I do eat at Disneyland, there is one restaurant that is my absolute MOST Favorite! It’s the Carnation Café. It’s located right in the middle of Main Street, in between the bakery and the watch shop. (Are you wondering if I’m a Disney Junkie… I will clarify, YES, I AM!) They have the most delicious Meatloaf Stack. It comes with a toasted piece of bread, with mash potatoes and meatloaf stacked on top! It also comes with a HUGE side of steamed veggies which happen to be just as good! AND they have the best baked potato soup in the world! Its soo good! and it’s so not “DISNEY PRICED” it’s reasonable people! I’m telling you! For the kiddos they have this really cool Peanut Butter Sandwich Pallet. It’s an open sandwich, with peanut butter on one side, and they serve it on a painter’s pallet and they serve it with a few different cups with toppings like Jelly, raisins, marshmallows, bananas, and the kids get to make it their way! I’m a HUGE fan of that!!!! Mac hasn’t tried it yet, she is the world’s pickiest eater, but I think she would dig it! WHO WOULDN”T!?

I’m craving a beignet from the Jazz Kitchen at down town Disney. I’m sure they aren’t like the real thing (this is what the Unlikly Oilfield Wife is thinking) but, for this Cali girl who hasn’t been past Arizona they will do JUST FINE! :) So, I’m looking forward to tonight, and this weekend. No big plans, just nice and relaxing I’m hoping! I hope you plan on doing the same!

working on my list

I've been working on my list of things I want to do before I turn 30. One of those things was finally getting my business started! Here is my first step! Photography has ALWAYS been a passion of mine! I've never taken a class, I do not edit my photos, I just shoot and upload. I happen to think that for my experience, my photographs turn out beautifully! I want to share them with the world, I want to take EVERYONE's Photo's! I've started a Photo Blog where I'll be sharing the photo's I take, things that inspire me, and photographers I look up to! Here is the link.

I hope you follow it, I hope you tell your friends, I hope that you ask me to take your pictures!

heatherlyphotography.blogspot.com

Thank you so much for the support!