Say Yes and LIVE!

Today, my husband told me that his heart was not into working out our marriage. I guess I deserved that, because I was the one who didn’t want to work it out the first time. It’s okay that he feels that way. I’m sort of bummed because I was looking forward to the challenge, and looking forward to being drug through the mud and coming out clean at the other end. But, it looks like I’ll have to take that journey alone. Which is okay. I’m not too broken up about it, just bummed because I think that it could have worked and been good. I’ve realized a lot of things during this period of him having to “THINK” about what to do. I realized that life is too freakin short to sit around thinking, and it’s time to SAY YES, and LIVE! So, that’s what I’ve been doing! And it’s wonderful!!!!

My whole life I’ve looked at the week in blocks of time. M-F and then the weekend. Always waiting waiting waiting for the weekend to come, only to have it pass by so quickly! Last week was the first time in my life that I actually lived each day for what it was, and enjoyed every single day of the week! You know what, It was the best week of my life! I decided to start saying “YES” and living! I planned a little adventure for myself, I went on a couple of dates/hang outs, I treated myself to a massage, I signed up for Yoga. It was great! I had a date with my parents, which was awesome! It was just a fun fun fun time and I will forever live this way now!

Today, I signed up for Burlesque Classes! Ooooo I’m so excited! Today, I also went to Target and got some SUPER awesome deals! AND the best part of my day was… wait for it… waaaaaait for it…. I got tickets to see Amos Lee… HOW GREAT IS THAT!!!! I hope that he sees me in the audience, and can’t take his eyes off of me, and invites me to go back stage, and then falls in love with me, and wants me to marry him and have his babies… and hopefully he’ll sing to me every morning while he’s making me breakfast… right?!?! Okay, new goal added to January: Make Amos Lee fall in love with me!! I’m having so much living this life! James really taught me how to live for today, and not for next week! What a gift that is!

Soooo, overall, life is good. Really good! I’m happy, I’m healthy, I’m blessed with a wonderful family, what more could a girl ask for? It’s pretty awesome to be me!!!

Random Acts of Kindness…

This week my random act of kindness has been to leave notes for people. So, I’ve left 2 notes so far, both on the desks of my co-workers with a little chocolate. Just a note to say Hi, thank you, I love you, and I think you are pretty great. It’s a great rush to leave these sneaky little letters around! I like it. I like it so much, that I decided I would add in a few extra acts that I just make up because I felt like it. So, in addition to the notes, I’ve also said hello and introduced myself to a co-worker I didn’t know, and ended up having lunch with him. And that has turned out to be a nice friend so far, so that’s pretty exciting too! I’m learning to open myself up to new experiences and see what happens, and you know what, it’s not so bad, or so hard! I do it with James in mind, because he was so friendly, and open hearted. He had to say hello to everyone he passed, and he liked to make sure people always felt good around him. You never know who you might meet in this world, or how they are going to affect your life, so why not try to meet everyone and impacted in the most wonderful way! Now, that’s something to live for!!!
I hope I inspire one of you (my 7 readers) to do something for someone, just because you feel like it, and don’t expect anything in return. It’s a good lesson on unconditional love! Go for it! What do you have to lose??

Here's to a New Year...

Well, Project "better my life in 2011" is well on its way!!!

This month’s goals:
1) Clean the crap out of my apartment, get rid of all old things that haven't been used or are un-needed, and sell and make money off of my junk. (And donate or trash the rest!)
2) Head down to my local college campus to get some info about starting to take classes in the fall. (I have to plan ahead and "amp myself up")
3) Find my camera manual so I can take the Photography class I signed up for... (This will happen once goal #1 is more underway!)

So, this weekend, I cleaned the heck out of my Kitchen! I dumped loads of old things that I haven't touched in years. It feels great to go into my kitchen and not feel like it’s overfilling with clutter that is ready to bust out of my cabinets! So, kitchen down, living room and Christmas decorations are next on the agenda!

Yesterday, I spent the majority of the morning on my hands and needs, Cinderella Style, scrubbing my floors. I moved the fridge, the stove, the washer and dryer, and I scrubbed every last speck of dirt off the walls, baseboards and floors. And while I tried to hurry and get it done, so that I wasn't ignoring Rapanzul for too long, I mean, my 3 year old who makes me call her Rapanzul, well she kept coming in the kitchen, and slipping and sliding around (in her Rapanzul dress), making my life much more difficult than it needed to be. Which is what I guess 3 year olds are best for? She now does this thing... I'll ask her to do something, Such as, "Pick up your hat and bring it into your room" and her answer is "why?" And I say "because I asked you to" and her reply is "uhhhggggg" OH MY GOODNESS! This child is only 3, and already acting like 13 year old. I'm gonna need a lot of help with this one! SHEESH!!!!! She is a good girl, but man she has a mouth on her, and it’s often so funny, cleaver, and perfect, that it’s hard to not laugh. I try to not encourage this back talking stage so I TRY to keep my laughter hidden, but sometimes it’s just too much!!! AND SHE KNOWS IT! So, anyway, after I renovated the kitchen with my magic sponge, I took her to the movies to see Tangled, (the Rapanzul movie) and we had a blast! It was pretty cool! I NEVER just decided to go out to the movies on a Sunday Night. But it was a lot of fun, and I think I’ll be doing more things like that!

I need to get out of the house. Ever since James passed away I walk around doing funny things. I’m constantly looking into windows and mirrors wishing I could see his reflection. I think about how maybe his sprit will be lingering around the apartment, so I keep most of the lights off, and look into the dark rooms hoping for a chance to see him. I have so many unanswered questions about that day he passed away. He had re-arranged my pantry that day. And so now I find myself looking through the pantry wondering if maybe he put something in there for me to find. So I take everything out, look in boxes that are opened and see if anything is waiting for me. He had a bunch of single serve tea packs in the pantry, and he was the only one who drank them, I just pull them out of the cupboard and look at them, and then put them back. He sometimes would put beer in the freezer, in the box where the ice is made, and I sometimes pull out that box looking for a beer that he left behind, or if there is something else in there. I open drawers that I’ve never looked in, wondering if I’ll find a secret forgotten love note from him. At night, I stall getting into bed. That is the worst part for me at this point. When he was there, he would always turn the bed down, he would put my little blanket under the sheets so I could be warm (I need a lot of blankets!) He would wait for me to get into bed, and then he would snuggle up right with me. He would run his fingers through my hair and we would talk until we fell asleep. I always have the coldest hands and feet. He would let me put my cold hands on his warm back, and my cold feet on his warm feet so I could warm them up, and then he would laugh because I would make him shiver with my cold hands! It’s the little things like that that I’m having a hard time letting go of. I sit and wonder wonder wonder what happened. Why didn’t he come back that night? If he would have come back, would he still be alive? What if I would have come home earlier that day and made him dinner and hung out with him, would he be alive? I wonder when he actually passed away. I wonder if he struggled or was in pain. I wonder what it was that he actually died from. I wonder if I would have messed with him at 11:00 pm that night by tapping on his bedroom window from outside, would I have woken him up, and would he still be here today. Every night I lay in bed talking to him, hoping that he can hear me. I plead with him to show himself, to touch me, to let me know he is around. I beg that he visit me in my dreams so that I can talk to him. But nothing happens, nothing has changed. I feel like I can have contact with him, I just have to figure out how. It’s a weird feeling, like a mystery that I WILL solve, with time, and patience, but it will happen. It may be crazy, but I just can’t walk away from the fact that we had a good connection, and his body dies, and we no longer have contact. I can’t wrap my mind around it, I can’t believe that it’s the end, I won’t stop trying to connect with him because I know that there is a way, and I will find it. Okay, maybe that is crazy talk… But I won’t give up.

So many things are happening right now. There are too many things to process. After months of being broken up with The Driller, he is still around and I’m still trying to sort things out with him. My husband and I are in talks of working out our marriage. I am trying to deal with a death, an unexpected death which is very hard to deal with. I’m trying to be motivated in my job. I’m trying to be a good mommy and not be sad around her. I’m trying to better my life so that I can enjoy every moment for what it is worth and live happily for the things I believe in. I have a long way to go before I can fix my marriage. I have a lot of things to work out, and get over before I can make a commitment like that. Otherwise it wouldn’t be fair to him. Who would want to fix things with someone who is still hung up on the death of another man? It’s something that is very hard to get over. But day by day I’m dealing with it. I’m learning and growing from all of the past years challenges, struggles and lessons. The best thing that has come out of all of this is that I can see who my real people are. I know what a strong family bond I have, and I’m so grateful for my family! Without them, I would be lost, sitting alone, in my dark apartment, with no food, no shower, in bed, crying. But they wouldn’t let me do that! They called me, they stayed on the phone with me so I could prove that I was eating. They picked me up and made me go on dates with them. I’ve spent the last 3 weeks on dates with my parents. Its actually fun dating your parents! They have good advice, and they listen, and they are looking out for you even if you don’t always know it. I love my family! More today than ever!

(Mac, My bro, My step dad, My mom, me)


So, here is to a new year, a fresh start, and a wonderful journey!

Ups and Downs... In's and Outs...

So, last night my husband decided that he felt too pressured to stay at home, and he moved out. He decided to stay with his mom, and that's where he is going to be for a while. Not sure how long, but that's the plan. Actually, at first I was bummed about it for my daughters sake. She loves her daddy so much, and she wants him there with us all the time. I felt fine with the fact that he didn't want to be there because I was feeling like I was just jumping right back into our old life where I did everything, and didn't feel appreciated for it, and it had only been 4 days.

So, for now, I'm just going to pray and leave it in Gods hands. Part of me keeps thinking about the things that I wanted so bad when we were together, and wondering if I'll get those things now. I keep comparing how James treated me, to how my husband used to treat me, and wondering if he will live up to my expectations. I realize that's not fair. So I need to take some time to be on my own and figure out what it is that I want. And try to find my own happiness.

I'm on the road to doing that... January is going to turn my world upside down... and I can't wait!!!!! I think I'm going to sell everything that I own and live with only basic necessities. I keep thinking about how when James left this world, he didn't take anything with him. So, why do I need to keep things that have been sitting in boxes in my garage for the last 10 years. I could sell those things, buy myself the most awesome computer and use that to better my life! I love taking pictures, and I need a good computer for editing them, and making them as beautiful as I want them to and to share them with the world. I'm taking a photography class in Jan, and I'm so excited for it. I'm going to the local collage to get started on figuring out my classes I want and need to take. This time is MY TIME, and I'm going full steam ahead to better myself, and my life so that I can live for me and wake up every morning knowing that the work I'm doing is making a difference, and making me happy. I want to be in love with myself.... and I want to make myself happy... So.... lets get ready... New Year here we come!!!!

cute owl calendar

I'm in love with all things calendars... and I stumbled across this today and thought it was too cute NOT to share. You can customize your own owl themed calendar! super easy! super cute!

You can get the down load Here

RACK'ed!!!

Random Act of Kindess…
This morning I was so cold that I couldn’t find my way out of my covers! I didn’t get out of bed until 6:15, and I start work at 7:00… Luckily I only work about 10 mins away from my house! And I’m a super speed getting readier! I didn’t have time to make coffee this morning, so I decided to stop by Starbucks. Which by the way, Starbucks is my enemy! There is one on every corner, and they are all drive through! It’s just not fair! I’m an addict! and the worst part is, Coffee is LEGAL, and EVERYWHERE! And it’s EXPENSIVE!!!! I spend $7:00 on coffee and a reduced fat turkey bacon sandwich. To be honest, it’s worth all $7:00, because I love it so much, but I still feel the need to complain!

This morning, I was paying for my coffee in the drive through, and then, all of a sudden, it hit me and I decided to pay for the lady behind me’s coffee! I got a huge adrenaline rush, and it really made me feel good! I was happy to do it! My whole drive to work I felt that nervous shaky, I just got away with something feeling. HA! Not sure why, because I wasn’t trying to be sneaky, but it still gave me that sneaky feeling inside!

I go home for lunch sometimes, and today happened to be one of those days. On my way home from lunch, I stopped at Starbucks for a refreshing peppermint mocha frap (lite!) and the same girl was working in the drive through. She told me that the lady didn’t believe that I bought her the coffee. She also said that she didn’t “pay it forward” and that bummed the drive through girl out! She said that a lot of times someone will buy someone’s coffee and then everyone in line will buy the person’s coffee behind them and it will go for a long time, but this lady killed it! that’s pretty cool to know that one day I could be stuck in a Starbucks drive through and I’m right smack dab in the middle of a paying it forward line and someone buys my coffee!!! Just another reason to visit Starbucks every morning~!!!
All in all, I’ll be continuing with my Random Acts of Kindness. I like the way it made me feel! So, why not!!

just getting it off my chest....

Busy busy busy…. Never time to sit or rest or relax! It’s crazy! The best part is I do it to myself! But, I remind myself of this motto that I once heard Sarah Jessica Parker say. “I can sleep when I’m dead” It helps remember to enjoy my life, enjoy my now 3 year old, and enjoy the fact that I have the ability to be busy. Right now I’m busy making Christmas Gifts! I’m making purses, aprons, and headbands for all of the young girls in my life. I’m making Christmas pillows, ornaments, and crocheted towels for all of the mature ladies in my life! I feel frantic about it, but, I’ve devised a plan, and I’ve got to settle myself down, and just stick with the plan! DON’T DERAIL FROM THE PLAN!!! Everything should work out just fine, I may miss out on meals and sleep, but it will be worth it! Okay, so it isn’t that bad, I have to tell the dramatic Scorpio in me to chill out!

I wanted to do an advent calendar this year, I saw this really great idea to do a Random Acts of Kindness countdown to Christmas calendar. I got everything ready to do it, and then I decided that I just don’t have the time and energy to put a full force daily Random Act of Kindness mission in to place right now. But, I still have that Random Act of Kindness lingering in my heart, so I will do some random acts here and there, but not an everyday mission like I originally had planned. Then, I had this great idea to continue the Act’s into next year. So… Here’s my plan. I am going to create a weekly calendar for year 2011. Every Sunday night, I will open up the Random Act of Kindness “mission” and I’ll have all week to perform that task. I can do it as many times as I want, or just once if I want. It could be buying the person’s coffee behind me, visiting an old folk’s home, taking old books to a mall play area, bringing goodies to the library. We can do them individually, or as a family. It all depends on the task, the time, the location, the mood, the situation. I’m looking forward to this project for a few different reasons. First of all, it gives me a chance to do something new, every week. It will probably get me out of the house and meeting new people, and I think it’s just sort of exciting that cool things are going to be happening to other people. I think I might get some cute “RACK’ed” (Random Act of Kindness) cards made up so that I leave the card behind, and can sort of get the ball going, and hopefully the next person will catch on and pay it forward! I’ll be sure to blog about it as well.


This is way off subject, but something that’s on my mind. So, this week I’ll be signing the paperwork to get started on my divorce. It’s a weird and sad feeling. I didn’t really TRY to work things out with my husband since he left, so I really don’t have the right to be sad. I keep thinking about our wedding, and I keep wondering if we are doing the right thing. I look at my daughter, and I think, I wish she had a sister, with the same mom and dad as her. But, then I think about all those nights that I had no attention paid to me. The nights were the computer sat on my husband’s lap instead of me sitting on his lap. The nights that I would wake up in the middle of the night and he would be playing dominoes on the computer, and I would think, “Why isn’t he playing with me?” The times that I would plan activities outside of the house so that we could grow, talk, connect, and he would be on his phone instead of participating in life. He now has a girlfriend, and he likes to tell me how she appreciates all of the attention he gives her. It’s nice to know that he can give it to her, when he should have been giving it to me. So, maybe, we could have worked it out, I guess the problem wasn’t so bad that we couldn’t of worked it out. The problem was, our hearts were not in it and we did not want to fix things. Tomorrow is the day that we meet with the lawyer; it’s going to be a strange day. Before I meet with the lawyer, I’ll be going to my individual counseling session. It’s sort of funny that I have a counseling session, before I go to get divorced. My plan is to… Look good, and feel really good about myself, so, that way, if, I start to get upset, I can remind myself how pretty I am, and how great I am on the inside too!!! I feel sad for my daughter. I feel sad that she has to be shuffled around because we are so selfish. I feel sad that she won’t ever get to see her mom and dad hanging out and having fun all together as a family. I don’t miss my husband, but I do miss my child’s father being around. She sees him, just as much as she sees me, but I wish that she could see us together. I wish that we could parent her together, and teach her together, and give her new experiences together. I guess that’s the hard part about this divorce for me. That now it’s just me and her, even if I do have a boyfriend, the responsibility all falls on me to teach her, and grow her. I know that I can do it, and I’m a great mom, but it would be nice for our little family to be put back together…. For her sake…. I know that’s not enough, if we get back together, it can’t be for her, but, because of her, I want to be back together. My stubborn Scorpio will not allow me to work things out with my husband. I always see the bad in him, and it’s hard for me to find the good now, after all of the hurt that has happened. I guess I need to work on that a little…. I think there are a lot of things I need to work on. I’m grateful for this time in my life because I have the ability to work on myself, do things for myself, and open up my eyes and hopefully make the changes I need to make in order to be able to make myself happy!!! Because, at the end of the day, all I really want is to be happy!