Here's to a New Year...

Well, Project "better my life in 2011" is well on its way!!!

This month’s goals:
1) Clean the crap out of my apartment, get rid of all old things that haven't been used or are un-needed, and sell and make money off of my junk. (And donate or trash the rest!)
2) Head down to my local college campus to get some info about starting to take classes in the fall. (I have to plan ahead and "amp myself up")
3) Find my camera manual so I can take the Photography class I signed up for... (This will happen once goal #1 is more underway!)

So, this weekend, I cleaned the heck out of my Kitchen! I dumped loads of old things that I haven't touched in years. It feels great to go into my kitchen and not feel like it’s overfilling with clutter that is ready to bust out of my cabinets! So, kitchen down, living room and Christmas decorations are next on the agenda!

Yesterday, I spent the majority of the morning on my hands and needs, Cinderella Style, scrubbing my floors. I moved the fridge, the stove, the washer and dryer, and I scrubbed every last speck of dirt off the walls, baseboards and floors. And while I tried to hurry and get it done, so that I wasn't ignoring Rapanzul for too long, I mean, my 3 year old who makes me call her Rapanzul, well she kept coming in the kitchen, and slipping and sliding around (in her Rapanzul dress), making my life much more difficult than it needed to be. Which is what I guess 3 year olds are best for? She now does this thing... I'll ask her to do something, Such as, "Pick up your hat and bring it into your room" and her answer is "why?" And I say "because I asked you to" and her reply is "uhhhggggg" OH MY GOODNESS! This child is only 3, and already acting like 13 year old. I'm gonna need a lot of help with this one! SHEESH!!!!! She is a good girl, but man she has a mouth on her, and it’s often so funny, cleaver, and perfect, that it’s hard to not laugh. I try to not encourage this back talking stage so I TRY to keep my laughter hidden, but sometimes it’s just too much!!! AND SHE KNOWS IT! So, anyway, after I renovated the kitchen with my magic sponge, I took her to the movies to see Tangled, (the Rapanzul movie) and we had a blast! It was pretty cool! I NEVER just decided to go out to the movies on a Sunday Night. But it was a lot of fun, and I think I’ll be doing more things like that!

I need to get out of the house. Ever since James passed away I walk around doing funny things. I’m constantly looking into windows and mirrors wishing I could see his reflection. I think about how maybe his sprit will be lingering around the apartment, so I keep most of the lights off, and look into the dark rooms hoping for a chance to see him. I have so many unanswered questions about that day he passed away. He had re-arranged my pantry that day. And so now I find myself looking through the pantry wondering if maybe he put something in there for me to find. So I take everything out, look in boxes that are opened and see if anything is waiting for me. He had a bunch of single serve tea packs in the pantry, and he was the only one who drank them, I just pull them out of the cupboard and look at them, and then put them back. He sometimes would put beer in the freezer, in the box where the ice is made, and I sometimes pull out that box looking for a beer that he left behind, or if there is something else in there. I open drawers that I’ve never looked in, wondering if I’ll find a secret forgotten love note from him. At night, I stall getting into bed. That is the worst part for me at this point. When he was there, he would always turn the bed down, he would put my little blanket under the sheets so I could be warm (I need a lot of blankets!) He would wait for me to get into bed, and then he would snuggle up right with me. He would run his fingers through my hair and we would talk until we fell asleep. I always have the coldest hands and feet. He would let me put my cold hands on his warm back, and my cold feet on his warm feet so I could warm them up, and then he would laugh because I would make him shiver with my cold hands! It’s the little things like that that I’m having a hard time letting go of. I sit and wonder wonder wonder what happened. Why didn’t he come back that night? If he would have come back, would he still be alive? What if I would have come home earlier that day and made him dinner and hung out with him, would he be alive? I wonder when he actually passed away. I wonder if he struggled or was in pain. I wonder what it was that he actually died from. I wonder if I would have messed with him at 11:00 pm that night by tapping on his bedroom window from outside, would I have woken him up, and would he still be here today. Every night I lay in bed talking to him, hoping that he can hear me. I plead with him to show himself, to touch me, to let me know he is around. I beg that he visit me in my dreams so that I can talk to him. But nothing happens, nothing has changed. I feel like I can have contact with him, I just have to figure out how. It’s a weird feeling, like a mystery that I WILL solve, with time, and patience, but it will happen. It may be crazy, but I just can’t walk away from the fact that we had a good connection, and his body dies, and we no longer have contact. I can’t wrap my mind around it, I can’t believe that it’s the end, I won’t stop trying to connect with him because I know that there is a way, and I will find it. Okay, maybe that is crazy talk… But I won’t give up.

So many things are happening right now. There are too many things to process. After months of being broken up with The Driller, he is still around and I’m still trying to sort things out with him. My husband and I are in talks of working out our marriage. I am trying to deal with a death, an unexpected death which is very hard to deal with. I’m trying to be motivated in my job. I’m trying to be a good mommy and not be sad around her. I’m trying to better my life so that I can enjoy every moment for what it is worth and live happily for the things I believe in. I have a long way to go before I can fix my marriage. I have a lot of things to work out, and get over before I can make a commitment like that. Otherwise it wouldn’t be fair to him. Who would want to fix things with someone who is still hung up on the death of another man? It’s something that is very hard to get over. But day by day I’m dealing with it. I’m learning and growing from all of the past years challenges, struggles and lessons. The best thing that has come out of all of this is that I can see who my real people are. I know what a strong family bond I have, and I’m so grateful for my family! Without them, I would be lost, sitting alone, in my dark apartment, with no food, no shower, in bed, crying. But they wouldn’t let me do that! They called me, they stayed on the phone with me so I could prove that I was eating. They picked me up and made me go on dates with them. I’ve spent the last 3 weeks on dates with my parents. Its actually fun dating your parents! They have good advice, and they listen, and they are looking out for you even if you don’t always know it. I love my family! More today than ever!

(Mac, My bro, My step dad, My mom, me)


So, here is to a new year, a fresh start, and a wonderful journey!

Ups and Downs... In's and Outs...

So, last night my husband decided that he felt too pressured to stay at home, and he moved out. He decided to stay with his mom, and that's where he is going to be for a while. Not sure how long, but that's the plan. Actually, at first I was bummed about it for my daughters sake. She loves her daddy so much, and she wants him there with us all the time. I felt fine with the fact that he didn't want to be there because I was feeling like I was just jumping right back into our old life where I did everything, and didn't feel appreciated for it, and it had only been 4 days.

So, for now, I'm just going to pray and leave it in Gods hands. Part of me keeps thinking about the things that I wanted so bad when we were together, and wondering if I'll get those things now. I keep comparing how James treated me, to how my husband used to treat me, and wondering if he will live up to my expectations. I realize that's not fair. So I need to take some time to be on my own and figure out what it is that I want. And try to find my own happiness.

I'm on the road to doing that... January is going to turn my world upside down... and I can't wait!!!!! I think I'm going to sell everything that I own and live with only basic necessities. I keep thinking about how when James left this world, he didn't take anything with him. So, why do I need to keep things that have been sitting in boxes in my garage for the last 10 years. I could sell those things, buy myself the most awesome computer and use that to better my life! I love taking pictures, and I need a good computer for editing them, and making them as beautiful as I want them to and to share them with the world. I'm taking a photography class in Jan, and I'm so excited for it. I'm going to the local collage to get started on figuring out my classes I want and need to take. This time is MY TIME, and I'm going full steam ahead to better myself, and my life so that I can live for me and wake up every morning knowing that the work I'm doing is making a difference, and making me happy. I want to be in love with myself.... and I want to make myself happy... So.... lets get ready... New Year here we come!!!!

cute owl calendar

I'm in love with all things calendars... and I stumbled across this today and thought it was too cute NOT to share. You can customize your own owl themed calendar! super easy! super cute!

You can get the down load Here

RACK'ed!!!

Random Act of Kindess…
This morning I was so cold that I couldn’t find my way out of my covers! I didn’t get out of bed until 6:15, and I start work at 7:00… Luckily I only work about 10 mins away from my house! And I’m a super speed getting readier! I didn’t have time to make coffee this morning, so I decided to stop by Starbucks. Which by the way, Starbucks is my enemy! There is one on every corner, and they are all drive through! It’s just not fair! I’m an addict! and the worst part is, Coffee is LEGAL, and EVERYWHERE! And it’s EXPENSIVE!!!! I spend $7:00 on coffee and a reduced fat turkey bacon sandwich. To be honest, it’s worth all $7:00, because I love it so much, but I still feel the need to complain!

This morning, I was paying for my coffee in the drive through, and then, all of a sudden, it hit me and I decided to pay for the lady behind me’s coffee! I got a huge adrenaline rush, and it really made me feel good! I was happy to do it! My whole drive to work I felt that nervous shaky, I just got away with something feeling. HA! Not sure why, because I wasn’t trying to be sneaky, but it still gave me that sneaky feeling inside!

I go home for lunch sometimes, and today happened to be one of those days. On my way home from lunch, I stopped at Starbucks for a refreshing peppermint mocha frap (lite!) and the same girl was working in the drive through. She told me that the lady didn’t believe that I bought her the coffee. She also said that she didn’t “pay it forward” and that bummed the drive through girl out! She said that a lot of times someone will buy someone’s coffee and then everyone in line will buy the person’s coffee behind them and it will go for a long time, but this lady killed it! that’s pretty cool to know that one day I could be stuck in a Starbucks drive through and I’m right smack dab in the middle of a paying it forward line and someone buys my coffee!!! Just another reason to visit Starbucks every morning~!!!
All in all, I’ll be continuing with my Random Acts of Kindness. I like the way it made me feel! So, why not!!

just getting it off my chest....

Busy busy busy…. Never time to sit or rest or relax! It’s crazy! The best part is I do it to myself! But, I remind myself of this motto that I once heard Sarah Jessica Parker say. “I can sleep when I’m dead” It helps remember to enjoy my life, enjoy my now 3 year old, and enjoy the fact that I have the ability to be busy. Right now I’m busy making Christmas Gifts! I’m making purses, aprons, and headbands for all of the young girls in my life. I’m making Christmas pillows, ornaments, and crocheted towels for all of the mature ladies in my life! I feel frantic about it, but, I’ve devised a plan, and I’ve got to settle myself down, and just stick with the plan! DON’T DERAIL FROM THE PLAN!!! Everything should work out just fine, I may miss out on meals and sleep, but it will be worth it! Okay, so it isn’t that bad, I have to tell the dramatic Scorpio in me to chill out!

I wanted to do an advent calendar this year, I saw this really great idea to do a Random Acts of Kindness countdown to Christmas calendar. I got everything ready to do it, and then I decided that I just don’t have the time and energy to put a full force daily Random Act of Kindness mission in to place right now. But, I still have that Random Act of Kindness lingering in my heart, so I will do some random acts here and there, but not an everyday mission like I originally had planned. Then, I had this great idea to continue the Act’s into next year. So… Here’s my plan. I am going to create a weekly calendar for year 2011. Every Sunday night, I will open up the Random Act of Kindness “mission” and I’ll have all week to perform that task. I can do it as many times as I want, or just once if I want. It could be buying the person’s coffee behind me, visiting an old folk’s home, taking old books to a mall play area, bringing goodies to the library. We can do them individually, or as a family. It all depends on the task, the time, the location, the mood, the situation. I’m looking forward to this project for a few different reasons. First of all, it gives me a chance to do something new, every week. It will probably get me out of the house and meeting new people, and I think it’s just sort of exciting that cool things are going to be happening to other people. I think I might get some cute “RACK’ed” (Random Act of Kindness) cards made up so that I leave the card behind, and can sort of get the ball going, and hopefully the next person will catch on and pay it forward! I’ll be sure to blog about it as well.


This is way off subject, but something that’s on my mind. So, this week I’ll be signing the paperwork to get started on my divorce. It’s a weird and sad feeling. I didn’t really TRY to work things out with my husband since he left, so I really don’t have the right to be sad. I keep thinking about our wedding, and I keep wondering if we are doing the right thing. I look at my daughter, and I think, I wish she had a sister, with the same mom and dad as her. But, then I think about all those nights that I had no attention paid to me. The nights were the computer sat on my husband’s lap instead of me sitting on his lap. The nights that I would wake up in the middle of the night and he would be playing dominoes on the computer, and I would think, “Why isn’t he playing with me?” The times that I would plan activities outside of the house so that we could grow, talk, connect, and he would be on his phone instead of participating in life. He now has a girlfriend, and he likes to tell me how she appreciates all of the attention he gives her. It’s nice to know that he can give it to her, when he should have been giving it to me. So, maybe, we could have worked it out, I guess the problem wasn’t so bad that we couldn’t of worked it out. The problem was, our hearts were not in it and we did not want to fix things. Tomorrow is the day that we meet with the lawyer; it’s going to be a strange day. Before I meet with the lawyer, I’ll be going to my individual counseling session. It’s sort of funny that I have a counseling session, before I go to get divorced. My plan is to… Look good, and feel really good about myself, so, that way, if, I start to get upset, I can remind myself how pretty I am, and how great I am on the inside too!!! I feel sad for my daughter. I feel sad that she has to be shuffled around because we are so selfish. I feel sad that she won’t ever get to see her mom and dad hanging out and having fun all together as a family. I don’t miss my husband, but I do miss my child’s father being around. She sees him, just as much as she sees me, but I wish that she could see us together. I wish that we could parent her together, and teach her together, and give her new experiences together. I guess that’s the hard part about this divorce for me. That now it’s just me and her, even if I do have a boyfriend, the responsibility all falls on me to teach her, and grow her. I know that I can do it, and I’m a great mom, but it would be nice for our little family to be put back together…. For her sake…. I know that’s not enough, if we get back together, it can’t be for her, but, because of her, I want to be back together. My stubborn Scorpio will not allow me to work things out with my husband. I always see the bad in him, and it’s hard for me to find the good now, after all of the hurt that has happened. I guess I need to work on that a little…. I think there are a lot of things I need to work on. I’m grateful for this time in my life because I have the ability to work on myself, do things for myself, and open up my eyes and hopefully make the changes I need to make in order to be able to make myself happy!!! Because, at the end of the day, all I really want is to be happy!

My Trip to Chicago....

I attended a Telesales Training Course in Chicago on Oct 19th and 20th. Art Sobczak from Business by Phone was the trainer and creator of the program. He told us that he had been in sales from the time he was 13, and has been helping people sell more in less time for the past 25 years. He definitely got my attention with his different approach to sales. He immediately brought up a list of things that “sales” people do, that are HUGE mistakes, and I pretty much had made all of those mistakes. He said, don’t call up a customer just to “see how they are doing” or “Just want to make sure you received the samples” have a purpose for calling, even if it’s not to discuss the product, but an idea you had for the customer. His approach was to call the customer to offer them “the result” not “the thing”. He spoke a lot about building relationships, getting to know the customer, and to do unto them, as I would want done unto me. The biggest take away was “Find the pain, and make it hurt worse”. That is a statement that can be applied to all areas of life, and really opened my eyes to a different perspective, which is the customer can sell themselves on the product, all they need to do is start thinking about why they don’t like the current vendor they are using. The other take away that I found extremely valuable is that I don’t have to constantly talk about the products to make a sale, and if I do what I say I’m going to do by following up, and providing answers to questions, the customer will continue to purchase from me, as well as be open to try new things down the line.

Art has a lot of tips and information that he provides during the training and after. His website is full of ideas, he sends out a news letter, and has a blog where people can write in and ask tips. I found him to be very helpful! He was very generous with his time and spent one on one time with anyone who wanted him to. I personally asked him a few side questions that are specific to my situation, and he had really good answers for me. After spending 2 days in his class, I can definitely say that I learned a lot of simple, common sense tips that will be easy to apply to my daily calls.

After my 2 days in the training class, Marc Brignola, the sales rep in the Chicago Area for my company, came to pick me up so that he could introduce me to some of his Fertility Clinic Acounts in his territory. The first day we took the train down town, and we met with Svetlana at RGI. She sat down with us and discussed how she was very happy with the vitrifciation, and she had never seen such beautiful embryos in all of her life. She had concerns regarding their pregnancy rates not increasing even though the embryos are such better quality, Marc let her know that he would check with Wayne and they would get back to her on that. I was also introduced to Max at RGI; I had previously worked with him when I was in customer service. It was really nice to meet him since I had taken many orders that he had placed over the past year or so and had built a relationship with him. Secondly we visited Juergen Liebermann at FCI-Chicago. He gave us a tour of the rebuilt facility after the flood they had earlier this year. He spent over an hour speaking with me about what they do there at FCI, and his role. I appreciated how passionate he was for IVF! He spoke about how their process works with the vitrication, and where they do each specific function. He also talked a little about stem cell research, and gender selection. He was very informative and I could tell that he was very passionate about what he does, which was really refreshing to be around! Lastly we visited Nikki Winston at University Of IL, Chicago. We spoke with her about ASRM, and how they were unable to attend, she also brought up a seminar she had went to for Irvine, but had to leave shortly after she got there. She enjoyed the talks at the seminar. At the end of the visit, Marc had asked her how the evaluations were going for samples he had sent her a month or so ago, and she had forgotten all about them, but assured Marc she would try them out and would most likely purchase from us. This meeting was a definite “relationship” meeting, Marc didn’t really bring up the products at all, he focused on speaking with her about things that he knew she would want follow up on, and at the end he brought up the samples that he sent her. It was a fun day getting to meet customers and visiting labs! I especially enjoyed the personal contact that was made with each customer and being able to travel around to meet them.

My last day in Chicago, Marc and I visited customers in the suburbs of Chicago. First we visited FCI-Glenview, we met with Seema and she spent a lot of time going over their andrology process with me. It was good to see exactly how the products are used and stored in the lab. She showed me slides of what the semen looks like before the wash, and after the wash. I was familiar with the products before, but now to be able to say that I can see the difference before and after using our products is something that is very valuable when making my calls. Secondly we met with Dr. Ding from Oakbrook Fertility, he talked about the lab being under construction and the changes they are making, Marc asked him if they were going to ASRM and they were getting ready to head out for their flight right after our meeting. The last facility we visited was Dr. Greiss with Midwest Fertility, The FDA was in their office and he couldn’t meet with us.

The overall trip really helped me feel more comfortable and knowledgeable, not just about our products, but about how to talk to customers and change my approach. I have to say that it was great having the training class, and then seeing firsthand the techniques being used when visiting customers with Marc. Over the past 2 weeks I’ve been putting all of the techniques to work, and I’ve noticed a change in the way the customers are responding. It’s exciting to have positive feedback from the customers, as opposed to someone who would rather get you off of the phone as soon as possible. I really enjoyed going to Chicago and I’m very grateful for the chance to go and learn and better myself.

Trick or Treat...

Okay, I had the absolute best time for Halloween this year!!! My daughter was Minnie Mouse. The day I showed her her costume she said "oooo thank you mommy!!!" in her cute little 2 year old excited voice. She held her arms out and said "gimmie a tiss (Kiss)". It was the most precious thing, and worth every penny I spent on that over priced Minnie Mouse costume!! I've had the costume since August, but I've had to keep it hidden because I know that girl, and I know that she would try to wear it every single day if she could. I brought it out on Saturday because we were going to a Halloween party, and she went coo coo wild!!! She was so excited! She worked that Minnie Mouse Costume! She wouldn't even let me call her McKenzie! She would say "I not McKenzie mommy, I Minnieeeee Mouse!" it was adorable!

Sunday, was Halloween. She woke up asking if she could be dressed up, and right away she told me that she was ready to be Minnie Mouse. I made her wait until around 4:00, which is when we got ready to go to my mom’s house for trick or treating. When we got to my mom’s house, Minnie ran out of the car so she could go show grandma and grandpa her costume. They made her feel so special and gave her lots of attention. She was sooooo cute!!!!! When it was time to go trick or treating she had a huge melt down and almost missed it because she didn't want to put on her sweater. Her Uncle Dougie (my little bro) had to help put her sweater on, and then she was ready.

We had our friends with us, The Mover, and his 10 year old Daughter... let’s call her... KS. KS and Minnie Mouse were able to trick or treat together. They would run up to the house and you could hear Minnie Mouse yell "trick or treat" and then the neighbors would come to the door and say "OOOOOO look at the little Minnie Mouse, and Pirate." (One old man said Indian beauty for KS’s costume, and she definitely looked like a pirate, not an Indian beauty! Ha ha!) The neighbors would give Minnie Mouse a few candies, and after each candy in her basket she would say "Tank U! Tank U!" She would then run off yelling "BYEEEEEEE" She would then run up to me and say "mommy, they gave me candy for me mommy" and I would say "YAY!! I know!!!" and then she would say "to the next house!" and go running off. This happened after every house it was so adorable. At one point, my mom and I almost died with laughter because she came running out after getting her candy and said "deeeeeeeelicious!!!!" and grunted a big old "YUM!" (This was before she even got to start eating the candy) She was so super pumped! I have to say that it was one of the best times I've ever had with her! I'm so excited to watch her grow and learn and participate in life, and not just be "there" as babies are in the beginning. These are the days that are so much fun!!! I keep repeating that night in my head over and over. It was nice that KS was there because it made Minnie Mouse a little more secure to go up to the houses, and you could tell by the end of the night she was very confident and wasn’t being shy anymore. KS would make sure that Minnie Mouse got up to the door with her, and they would wait for each other to get their candy. KS even told us that when there was a dog inside the house, Minnie Mouse would say “woof woof” to the dogs. HOW FUNNY IS THAT! This kid of mine is something special that’s for sure!

Well, It’s my Friday, even though its only Wednesday! Why do you ask? Oh, because tomorrow is my birthday, and I took the day off to go to Disneyland with my mom and my daughter. And, little Minnie Mouse is going to meet BIG MINNIE MOUSE! AND I CAN’T WAIT!!!