Body Image Change

Lately my relationship with food and my body has changed in such a positive way!!! Here are some examples. Usually I wake up and I'm ready for breakfast and coffee. Now, I hardly think about eating until around 9:00, instead of the normal 6:30! For a while I would have a huge plate of fruit at my desk because i would get so hungry so quickly. Now, I bring and apple or an orange, and i may or may not eat it. My mouth hurts from chewing, and I'm only eating normal sized meals for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Something happened when I started admitting I had a problem! It was as if I were in jail, and as soon as I was honest with myself, the bars came down, and I feel free! Now I'm eating for fuel, and not for comfort, or joy, or sadness, or because its time.

I've been walking and running almost every day, and I'm not losing pounds, but I'm definitely sliming down, and looking better in my clothes. I no longer have a "pounds to loose goal" because i see that the number doesn't always matter, now I have goals about what I want to see slim down (my tummy... from having that big ole baby of mine!) and over toned in my whole body. I'm not very interested about losing my size, as i am losing the mommy tummy bulge. The MOST important thing is feeling happy and confident and knowing that I'm looking good, and I should be proud of what I've accomplished!

Mad at myself....

Why do I always allow this to happen? Why do I set up all of these goals, hopes and dreams, only to allow them to fade away when a guy comes around??? UGH its so irritating! I'm so irritated with myself!!!

After Fielder died Last December, I decided that it was time to take time for myself. To learn about myself, to grow and learn to be happy with me. I had a list of goals I wanted to accomplish this year, and I started off strong.

Then a guy came along, took up my free time, and I lost sight of what I wanted. And now I feel like I'm back to square one. Unhappy, alone most of the time, and always trying to please someone and not being pleased in return. I want to be clear that I'm not placing blame on anyone but me. In all of this I keep thinking "what am I doing wrong here" why do things always start off so great and magical, and then end up like crap.

I'm still seeing the guitar hero. Something is missing. He is practically living with me and my little one. But most nights he plans to be out until 8:00 or later if my little one is home with me. In a way its nice because I get lots of alone time with her, and she needs it! Especially since her daddy recently moved to the other side of the country. But, I still want the Guitar Hero to be around. I want him to participate in things, and not just make his own plans away from us all of the time. Its a total bummer, and I find myself getting really mad about it just about every day. Why am I putting up with it if I don't like it?? This is the part that bothers me! I love hanging out with The Guitar Hero... we have TONS of fun together!!!! but lately those days are far and few in between. I'm starting to long for someone who whats to be around, and participate. I'm starting to long for ALONE time, and not have to worry about feeling this way anymore. I hate complaining about it... but I needed to get it off of my chest.

I feel sort of sad about it. But when I ask for what I want (time) it always ends up being a fight, and I don't have the energy to fight anymore.

For now, I want to try and re-focus my self, and get back on track with my goals I set out to accomplish last year. I need to re-evaluate my goal list and set realistic goals that aren't silly, or too out of reach. (my first goal list had "run a marathon" THEN I found out how long a marathon was, and I was like "J/K!")

No more complaining about this... time to move on to the good stuff!!

Big changes

Well life is changing big time! It seems like for me, life is all about change all of the time. I guess that can be viewed as a good thing, never a dull moment in my life these days. So what’s new…. About a year ago I was given a promotion to move from Customer Service to Sales. Of course I took it, more money, more opportunity, new things to learn, new challenges, different co-workers. I didn’t have any expectations, I just wanted to dive in, learn, absorb and function. At first, it was very exciting; I got to travel to Chicago, all expenses paid. I became an “off the clock employee”, I had my own office. It was great. I created my own work schedule, and was pretty much in charge of myself. Did I mention it was sales. Okay, so let me explain something about the transition. Customer service is a position where I am in a cubical environment with 5 other ladies, all able to chat and talk as we please, customers call in to us, and we help them. They need us, and we satisfy their needs. Inside Sales is a position where I sat alone in an office and called people who wanted nothing to do with me and at the end of the day I was probably rejected at least 30 times. It was a touch transition. I was always asking my boss for additional functions where I could “help” people, and he was always telling me “no, just call, and sell”. So, being the good employee that I am, that is just what I did. My first quarter was great, I was 103% of my quota! Not too shabby for a first timer sales gal! My second quarter was not so great, I was about 87% of my quota. And the start of my 3rd quarter was even less. I started becoming unmotivated, and un-excited. I was making sales, but obviously not enough. I wasn’t sure where I stood, and all could really think about was how I longed to be back in customer service. I refused to ask to be let back into customer service, my pride wouldn’t’ let me do it, I had to prove that I could do sales and be good at it. Then, last week, my boss called me in for a chat here is how it went:
Boss: Heather, is sales everything you expected?
Me: Well, I didn’t really set any expectations, I just wanted to learn, and absorb everything that I could.
Boss: do you love sales?
Me: Yea, some days.
Boss: Do you love sales as much as you love customer service
Me: HUGE SMILE… Um… Sometimes :)
Boss: How do you feel about going back to customer service?
Me: Will I keep my same pay?
Boss: yes
ME: YES! :)
Boss: I’m glad you could be honest with yourself, you deserve to be commended for trying out sales, because customer service reps don’t usually make it in sales. But I know you’ll be happier and that’s what I want for you!

So… I guess I felt a little bit like a failure, because I didn’t excel in sales, however, I am one of the best customer service reps you will ever meet, and now that I have my sales background, and much more knowledge about the product we sell, I have lots of confidence that I’ll be up selling to our customers as they call in.
I am 100% happier to be back in my old home with my gals. It’s such a different happier environment! So, that’s a good thing!

The other thing that is dramatically changing in my life is my ex-husband, and father of my child, has decided to move to Georgia. We live in California, and he will be living in Georgia. My reaction and feelings are better than I expected. I have about 3 weeks until he leaves, and during this time I’m going to be busy trying to get things in order as much as possible. I’m angry at him for leaving his daughter behind. He has such a close bond with her now, and he is going to be giving that up. I don’t understand how he can so easily do that. I’m not looking forward to the struggle our child will have. I don’t know what to expect of her. I’m happy that I’ll have her every day, I’m happy that I’ll be able to control more of her discipline and upbringing. I’m happy that her life is going to be more consistent. I’m upset that I’m losing some of my free time. I’m upset that I had plans of going back to school, and now I have to figure out when will be good and find someone to watch her while I can’t. I’m mad that He can leave and start a new life and not even feel bad about it. But right now I have a lot of things on my plate that need to be addressed and handled and I can’t focus on my anger. Maybe that’s why my reaction isn’t exactly as I thought it would be. I have decided that I need to gather up all my gumption, and handle business. Once that is done, THEN I will let myself feel this. So, that’s what is going on with me these days. What’s going on with you???

writers block.... coming to an end...

I have had a serious case of writers block. There are a few reasons. Life isn’t perfect, and I feel like I complain too much on this blog. I don’t want to just come here to tell happy or sad stories of my life. When I look back on the fielder posts, (which I removed), and The Driller posts (which I removed) I get so irritated with myself! Part of me is on this journey to discover what life is all about, and yea, I’m going to fall, to have heart ache, to have heart joy, and I’m going to experience lots of ups and downs and it’s all about the experience of this journey, not the final destination. And it’s sort of cool to document all of that, but when I look back at it, I feel like it’s not real, it was censored, it was embellished to make things look better than they were. It’s always the good stuff that gets more embellished. I’m always afraid that the people I write about will read it, and I want them to be happy with what I write. This is MY blog and I should write about what I want and not care, but I do. I just haven’t felt like writing about anything these days. My inspiration has sort of dwindled, life has been hectic, life has changed, I’m just trying to find my place in it all. My biggest struggle lately has been realizing that I am NOT everyone’s wife or mother. I am one person’s mothers, and she happens to be 3. I am NO BODY’s Wife (as of June 23rd 2011). I don’t need to take care of everyone, I am allowed to be selfish with my time, it is okay if I am alone and my boyfriend (the guitar hero) is out doing his thing.

This is the way my life went
1982 – Born
Lived at home from 1982 – 2005
Took care of my younger brother while my parents were at work from the age of 13+
Was always expected to be responsible
Cooked and cleaned to help out my mom who worked full time
Ended up becoming the wife and mother to everyone
In 2004 my parents divorced, and I lived with my dad for 1 year, I took care of him since he was no longer married to my mom, and had no one to take care of him. (my self imposed thoughts)
In 2005 I was married and moved in with my husband. And took care of him
In 2007 I had my daughter, and started taking care of her
In 2010 my husband and I split up, and I started taking care of The Driller, then Fielder, and now I TRY to take care of the Guitar Hero.
2011 – Realizing that I am only one person’s mother, and it really sucks that I spent the last 28 years worried about others when I should have been allowed to go and have fun and live and discover what life was about instead of being at home with my little brother every day after school for all of those years.

I’m MAD about it! Last night I was watching a movie, there was a beautiful girl in the movie, and a man who was learning to surf. I got mad for 2 reasons, first I was mad at my mother for allowing me to put junk into my body that has allowed me to be overweight! I wish she would have had healthy choices for us instead of processed boxed and bagged foods! Second I was mad because I never got a chance to learn to do anything, or to discover what I liked or didn’t like because I was always home watching my brother and being responsible! I should have been allowed to go out and have fun and live and explore life so that I would of made better life decisions, like not getting married at 22 years old, and finishing school, and building better friendships, and enjoying the sun instead of Top Raman. I’m MAD about it! I know it’s never too late, but I feel like I missed out on so much, and now I am mother, and I do have to be responsible, and sometimes just feel like it’s not fair! There was a point in my life recently that she told me that my dad had told her that they should do something about my weight. And she said that she thought I was happy and she didn’t see the need. I was never happy about my size. My hope now is that I can make sure that my child doesn’t have the same issues and thoughts that I have. That I’ll always have healthy options available for her, and she will choose wisely. In my house now, there are no boxes of processed noodles, or rice, or frozen pizza snacks. Those things are eliminated from my life and I will never feed them to my child and I promise to let her grow and explore and have the chance to fail, because I never did, and I want that for her!

what to do, what to do...

I’ve been MIA from my blog lately, and from others blogs as well. I’m not exactly sure what my problem is. I’m not sure if I’m stressed or depressed or making a mountain out of a mole hill. I really don’t know. I’m hoping the fog will lift soon and I can get back to my happy little self! Lately I’ve been feeling like there isn’t anything going on that I can be proud of. I see only the negative things I’ve done or been through this past year and a half, from Divorce, to a BAD relationship, to Death, to a new relationship that is nice, but has lots of turmoil. On top of that, I’ve trying to navigate my way though being a mom, only seeing my daughter 50% of the time. Trying to fight for her and what she needs when it comes to time with her dad and him paying attention to her. He recently dropped a bomb shell on me and said that he has plans to move out of state soon. He isn’t sure where, but he is moving. I’m so upset I don’t even know where to start. We have a child to raise, she is only 3 years old, this is the time to be here for her no matter what, and he’s taking off. He expects that she can go be with him for 30 days, and then with me for 30 days, but how stable is that for her? How can 30 days pass without me seeing my baby? Yes, motherhood is stressful, and I will be the first to admit that when I have a break, I take full advantage and enjoy it, but I made the choice to have a child, and because of that, I am the best mom I know how to be to her. It’s not always easy, I don’t ALWAYS enjoy it, there are a lot of days that I sit and cry because it’s hard and she drives me crazy, but she is 3 that is her job! To test and discover her boundaries and limits, and it’s my job to be there for her along the way, and it’s HIS job as well, and now he wants to leave. I’ve put this out of my head for the past week, and it’s starting to take its toll on me! Just sitting here writing about it now has me choked up and crying. My jaw, teeth, and gums hurt so bad from grinding my teeth most nights. I don’t know what to do. I need him here, she needs him here. Is it okay for me to let her be out of state every 30 days? Back and forth like a yoyo? It’s not her fault that he wants to leave, so why does she have to bounce back and forth and not have any stability in her life? What happens when she starts school, or sports, and is getting awards and trophies for being #1 best at everything she does and her daddy isn’t here to see her? Then what? How do I explain this to him so he understands, and tries to make it work here? Am I being punished for the things I did to him? Is this my Karma coming back to me? My bad karma and decisions shouldn’t be taken out on that sweet girl of ours. Gosh I just don’t know what to do. I hope someone out there in blog-ville can help with this one. I don’t want my friend to leave, and I don’t what my daughters father to leave. We both need him! I’ve told him, and he doesn’t seem to care, or understand. It’s like talking to a big ole brick wall!

In the meantime, before any final decisions have been made, I need to find a way to de-stress! My face is breaking out like crazy, my mouth is throbbing from grinding my teeth at night, my tummy is always upset, and I just feel like I’m walking in the fog, all sad and depressed and stressed and I don’t like it. How do I just shake it off? How do I just smile and ignore everything else? Am I a making too big a deal out of all of this? Should I be happy that he is leaving so then I can have her to myself 100% of the time, and know that I’m providing the best life possible for her? I just don’t’ know. I need some help/guidance/advice…. I’m open…. I’m listening…

Attention... I need too much!

Attention… I want it… I need it… I crave it…. and I get it… but not from who I want it from at all times of the day. Does that make sense? Let me break it down for ya! I work with the Guitar Hero, he is about 100 feet or less away from me at most times of the day. Yet, we keep our relationship as low key as possible to avoid office gossip and rumors spreading like wild fire. YET they always do seem to spread like wild fire, and they are the craziest rumors, but that’s a whole other topic. Lately, The Guitar Hero and I have been spending more time together in the evenings, which seems to have made our office time way less. For instance, he use to rush to my office as soon as he knew I was here to give me a kiss, or we would sneak off to a dark corner and cop a quick feel. We would e-mail constantly back and forth and pass each other and smile at each other without saying a word, just quick eye contact as to say “hello sexy… I’m thinking bout cha” now….. it’s like HOURS before we see each other while we are at work, the e-mails have almost stopped, other than a quick chat about lunch or after work plans. He used to send me a song every morning. It would be in my inbox waiting for me before I even arrived to work, there it would be, now… nada. I should cut him some slack and explain that he has had a rough couple of months and is a little out of sorts trying to find his way through life and living, and he has a lot to sort out and I know I’m not #1 priority on his list right now. And I’m okay with that fact, and I’m doing my best to be understanding, and not telling him every day how I’m missing our e-mails, I’m missing his attention, I’m missing all the cute secret kisses and the rush and excitement from all of that. I’m trying to find the balance and take it all with a grain of salt (what does that even mean!)… I look at how he treats me when we aren’t here at work, and that hasn’t changed, and I know there isn’t any funny business going on behind my back, so there, I cut him his slack. However, it seems that ever since this has been going on, there is another fellow who is always on the prowl and who is giving me attention. Do I like the attention? Yes. I’m an attention JUNKIE! Do I feel UNCOMFORTABLE with the attention? HECK YES! And I’ve told him to stop, yet, it seems when you tell the creeps of the world to stop, they keep coming back for more, and stronger, and from every angle! What’s an attention Junkie to do?

Part of this attention issue comes from the fact that I was always heavy growing up, and now that I’ve lost weight, and I’m looking good, and I’m feeling confident, I seem to attract more attention from people who would have NEVER given me attention in the past. So, it’s exciting to get it from someone who would of never given it to me before. I’ve been working hard on this attention problem that I have. I’ve been trying to find the happy within myself, and every time I sit here at my desk, waiting for some attention from the Guitar Hero, I start taping my little fingers, and start figuring out what I can do to make myself happy in that moment, so I don’t need it from him, or anyone else. At home I get TONS of attention! TONS!!! But here, for these 9 hours out of the day, it’s like dead air radio silence.

What should I do? Should I tell The Guitar Hero how I need his attention while we are here? Should I leave it alone and think “it’s for the better because we don’t need everyone in our business”? How do I go about avoiding the other co-worker who is giving me large amounts of attention at a time where I’m craving it the most? I already know the answers… Ignore the other co-worker, and tell him to F*off, and don’t’ worry about it so much while we are here at work because everyone doesn’t need to know what’s going on between us, and continue finding my happy and doing things that are helping me grow and become the woman I want to be! Okay! So that’s the plan!

On a side note… I’m still working on my to do list before I turn 30– I reevaluated the list and it’s kind of silly! But that’s okay, I’m still working on it, and so far this month I’ve accomplished a few things! Number 1, I enrolled in school for the fall! BOOYA!!!! I can’t wait!!! #2 I’ve been working on my photography business like NO OTHER! Last night I took a photography class, the instructor was great and recommended a great college to attend for a photography program! So, even though I already enrolled in the first college, I’m going to look into the other college and get set up to start in the fall there! The Guitar Hero said he wanted to go too! Wouldn’t that be cool if he took photography classes with me, and we became a team and lived and breathed and ate and drank photography?! What a thought!

I’m so proud of myself because I haven’t let myself get lost in this relationship! This is the first time in my life that I’ve stood by what I’ve said and continued to press forward with my goals! Last night The Guitar Hero wanted to hang out, and was giving me every reason to want to hang with him, and I really wanted to stay home and curl up on the couch and watch the game with him and eat dinner with him and enjoy the gloomy weather we had yesterday. But, I did not! I went to the class, and I learned A LOT, and I found out information I needed to know! So, I’m proud of myself for going! This is NOT like me, and I like the me I’m becoming now!

I’m also still working really hard on another goal which was to lose this last 40 lbs! I’m not stepping the scale 15 times a day anymore, and in fact I haven’t stepped on the scale since last Saturday, so I don’t know how many pounds I’ve lost, but I do know that I’m wearing clothes that I haven’t ever worn before and I feel great! I’ve been walking/jogging, and every day I feel my endurance getting stronger and its becoming easier for me to hold the jog for longer periods of time! It feels great and even if I don’t lose 1 pound, I’m so proud of myself and I feel so good for even getting out there and working on it. I feel my body changing and transforming and it’s really cool! It helped a lot to start talking about my struggles in the previous 2 posts! So, that’s what’s going on with me! Thanks for all the encouragement!

A day in the life...

me... Today... wearing a shirt that I re-fashioned

from a men's sized XL t-shirt

its says "proud to be awesome"

lol! I wore it to work today for fun, but I'm pretty proud that

I was able to take a big guys shirt, and turn it into a cute shirt for myself

for only $1.50, (the shirt came from the salvation army!)

First of all I would like to thank my readers for the support I’ve received! I didn’t want to talk about this for recognition of my change, but rather to gain support and advice on how to shift my focus. I want to make that clear because I really enjoy attention, and recognition of my accomplishments, and for myself, I want to remind myself, that I’m doing this because I need help, I need support, and I’m hoping that I could maybe help someone else. I don’t want this to get out of hand (in my head) about how I look, and how I’m such a hottie now! Lol… that was a joke, but that is also how my mind works, and how I sometimes let things run away and get out of hand… in my head… so, that’s what I want to say about that! Now… on to the biz:

I would like to talk about a day in the life of Heather. This is how it goes.

Wake up – weigh myself
Go potty – weigh myself to see if there is a diff
Make coffee, wash face, brush teeth – weigh myself once again to see if my body has adjusted from the time I went potty to now. Often times, there is a pound or two less difference, which I find fascinating, and I enjoy seeing
Get ready, go to work.
Come home from work – weigh myself… Think “not bad for eating all day and drinking all that water”
Go for a walk/jog/run
Get home, feeling all sweaty and lighter – weight myself – see a pound or two difference and think “must be all that sweat! BOOYA!”
Shower – weigh myself once again to see if there had been any adjustment in the past 10 -20 mins, considering I probably did go potty in between that time.
Make and eat dinner - weigh myself again to see if the food I put in my body caused me to weigh more or not
Hang out with the kiddo, or the Guitar Hero, or alone…
Get ready for bed, make sure I go potty again - weigh myself once more, and again think “pretty good for being after I ate dinner, and have drank so much water.
At any point during the night that I get up to go potty again – I will weigh myself to see how much pee I peed out that has made me drop a few ounces
If I happen to partake in extracurricular bedtime activities which cause me to feel as if I’m burning calories, I will again weigh myself… Just to see…

Then I go to bed, and do it all over again. I would consider this behavior, behavior of a junkie or an addict. That makes me feel like it’s true what they say about people who are overweight, that they are addicted to food. I don’t know that I’m addicted to food, but I do know I do have a problem. Since my last post, I’ve been trying to pay attention to my behavior and not let it run my life. Yesterday I didn’t weigh myself until right before I went to bed. It was pretty disappointing because at first it said 202.8, and I was like “oh heck no!!!” and then the scale had a huge ‘E’ for error, and I was like whew… and I stepped back on and it was 198.00. The day before it had been 194.8. I need to realize that things happen in the day that could affect my weight. If I drink a gallon of water after I eat a full meal, then yea, I’m probably going to weigh a few more pounds. AND, if I’m running, and building muscles in my legs and lifting weights so my arms will be tone, then maybe I’m creating muscle and muscle weights more than fat. So I should take a chill pill!

I was proud of myself for not being a scale junkie yesterday. This morning when I woke up, I decided that I wasn’t going to step on either. Instead I tried on a skirt that didn’t fit me before, and it fit me well today. That made me feel like, so what if my pounds are high, I am clearly seeing results. I’m trying so hard to not let this control my life anymore. Over the past 2 years I’ve had a huge life style change, I haven’t been on a diet, I’ve been on a change. My body has responded to it, but my mind has not caught up yet. I need to get my mind on the same page. That is my goal now!