Attention... I need too much!

Attention… I want it… I need it… I crave it…. and I get it… but not from who I want it from at all times of the day. Does that make sense? Let me break it down for ya! I work with the Guitar Hero, he is about 100 feet or less away from me at most times of the day. Yet, we keep our relationship as low key as possible to avoid office gossip and rumors spreading like wild fire. YET they always do seem to spread like wild fire, and they are the craziest rumors, but that’s a whole other topic. Lately, The Guitar Hero and I have been spending more time together in the evenings, which seems to have made our office time way less. For instance, he use to rush to my office as soon as he knew I was here to give me a kiss, or we would sneak off to a dark corner and cop a quick feel. We would e-mail constantly back and forth and pass each other and smile at each other without saying a word, just quick eye contact as to say “hello sexy… I’m thinking bout cha” now….. it’s like HOURS before we see each other while we are at work, the e-mails have almost stopped, other than a quick chat about lunch or after work plans. He used to send me a song every morning. It would be in my inbox waiting for me before I even arrived to work, there it would be, now… nada. I should cut him some slack and explain that he has had a rough couple of months and is a little out of sorts trying to find his way through life and living, and he has a lot to sort out and I know I’m not #1 priority on his list right now. And I’m okay with that fact, and I’m doing my best to be understanding, and not telling him every day how I’m missing our e-mails, I’m missing his attention, I’m missing all the cute secret kisses and the rush and excitement from all of that. I’m trying to find the balance and take it all with a grain of salt (what does that even mean!)… I look at how he treats me when we aren’t here at work, and that hasn’t changed, and I know there isn’t any funny business going on behind my back, so there, I cut him his slack. However, it seems that ever since this has been going on, there is another fellow who is always on the prowl and who is giving me attention. Do I like the attention? Yes. I’m an attention JUNKIE! Do I feel UNCOMFORTABLE with the attention? HECK YES! And I’ve told him to stop, yet, it seems when you tell the creeps of the world to stop, they keep coming back for more, and stronger, and from every angle! What’s an attention Junkie to do?

Part of this attention issue comes from the fact that I was always heavy growing up, and now that I’ve lost weight, and I’m looking good, and I’m feeling confident, I seem to attract more attention from people who would have NEVER given me attention in the past. So, it’s exciting to get it from someone who would of never given it to me before. I’ve been working hard on this attention problem that I have. I’ve been trying to find the happy within myself, and every time I sit here at my desk, waiting for some attention from the Guitar Hero, I start taping my little fingers, and start figuring out what I can do to make myself happy in that moment, so I don’t need it from him, or anyone else. At home I get TONS of attention! TONS!!! But here, for these 9 hours out of the day, it’s like dead air radio silence.

What should I do? Should I tell The Guitar Hero how I need his attention while we are here? Should I leave it alone and think “it’s for the better because we don’t need everyone in our business”? How do I go about avoiding the other co-worker who is giving me large amounts of attention at a time where I’m craving it the most? I already know the answers… Ignore the other co-worker, and tell him to F*off, and don’t’ worry about it so much while we are here at work because everyone doesn’t need to know what’s going on between us, and continue finding my happy and doing things that are helping me grow and become the woman I want to be! Okay! So that’s the plan!

On a side note… I’m still working on my to do list before I turn 30– I reevaluated the list and it’s kind of silly! But that’s okay, I’m still working on it, and so far this month I’ve accomplished a few things! Number 1, I enrolled in school for the fall! BOOYA!!!! I can’t wait!!! #2 I’ve been working on my photography business like NO OTHER! Last night I took a photography class, the instructor was great and recommended a great college to attend for a photography program! So, even though I already enrolled in the first college, I’m going to look into the other college and get set up to start in the fall there! The Guitar Hero said he wanted to go too! Wouldn’t that be cool if he took photography classes with me, and we became a team and lived and breathed and ate and drank photography?! What a thought!

I’m so proud of myself because I haven’t let myself get lost in this relationship! This is the first time in my life that I’ve stood by what I’ve said and continued to press forward with my goals! Last night The Guitar Hero wanted to hang out, and was giving me every reason to want to hang with him, and I really wanted to stay home and curl up on the couch and watch the game with him and eat dinner with him and enjoy the gloomy weather we had yesterday. But, I did not! I went to the class, and I learned A LOT, and I found out information I needed to know! So, I’m proud of myself for going! This is NOT like me, and I like the me I’m becoming now!

I’m also still working really hard on another goal which was to lose this last 40 lbs! I’m not stepping the scale 15 times a day anymore, and in fact I haven’t stepped on the scale since last Saturday, so I don’t know how many pounds I’ve lost, but I do know that I’m wearing clothes that I haven’t ever worn before and I feel great! I’ve been walking/jogging, and every day I feel my endurance getting stronger and its becoming easier for me to hold the jog for longer periods of time! It feels great and even if I don’t lose 1 pound, I’m so proud of myself and I feel so good for even getting out there and working on it. I feel my body changing and transforming and it’s really cool! It helped a lot to start talking about my struggles in the previous 2 posts! So, that’s what’s going on with me! Thanks for all the encouragement!

A day in the life...

me... Today... wearing a shirt that I re-fashioned

from a men's sized XL t-shirt

its says "proud to be awesome"

lol! I wore it to work today for fun, but I'm pretty proud that

I was able to take a big guys shirt, and turn it into a cute shirt for myself

for only $1.50, (the shirt came from the salvation army!)

First of all I would like to thank my readers for the support I’ve received! I didn’t want to talk about this for recognition of my change, but rather to gain support and advice on how to shift my focus. I want to make that clear because I really enjoy attention, and recognition of my accomplishments, and for myself, I want to remind myself, that I’m doing this because I need help, I need support, and I’m hoping that I could maybe help someone else. I don’t want this to get out of hand (in my head) about how I look, and how I’m such a hottie now! Lol… that was a joke, but that is also how my mind works, and how I sometimes let things run away and get out of hand… in my head… so, that’s what I want to say about that! Now… on to the biz:

I would like to talk about a day in the life of Heather. This is how it goes.

Wake up – weigh myself
Go potty – weigh myself to see if there is a diff
Make coffee, wash face, brush teeth – weigh myself once again to see if my body has adjusted from the time I went potty to now. Often times, there is a pound or two less difference, which I find fascinating, and I enjoy seeing
Get ready, go to work.
Come home from work – weigh myself… Think “not bad for eating all day and drinking all that water”
Go for a walk/jog/run
Get home, feeling all sweaty and lighter – weight myself – see a pound or two difference and think “must be all that sweat! BOOYA!”
Shower – weigh myself once again to see if there had been any adjustment in the past 10 -20 mins, considering I probably did go potty in between that time.
Make and eat dinner - weigh myself again to see if the food I put in my body caused me to weigh more or not
Hang out with the kiddo, or the Guitar Hero, or alone…
Get ready for bed, make sure I go potty again - weigh myself once more, and again think “pretty good for being after I ate dinner, and have drank so much water.
At any point during the night that I get up to go potty again – I will weigh myself to see how much pee I peed out that has made me drop a few ounces
If I happen to partake in extracurricular bedtime activities which cause me to feel as if I’m burning calories, I will again weigh myself… Just to see…

Then I go to bed, and do it all over again. I would consider this behavior, behavior of a junkie or an addict. That makes me feel like it’s true what they say about people who are overweight, that they are addicted to food. I don’t know that I’m addicted to food, but I do know I do have a problem. Since my last post, I’ve been trying to pay attention to my behavior and not let it run my life. Yesterday I didn’t weigh myself until right before I went to bed. It was pretty disappointing because at first it said 202.8, and I was like “oh heck no!!!” and then the scale had a huge ‘E’ for error, and I was like whew… and I stepped back on and it was 198.00. The day before it had been 194.8. I need to realize that things happen in the day that could affect my weight. If I drink a gallon of water after I eat a full meal, then yea, I’m probably going to weigh a few more pounds. AND, if I’m running, and building muscles in my legs and lifting weights so my arms will be tone, then maybe I’m creating muscle and muscle weights more than fat. So I should take a chill pill!

I was proud of myself for not being a scale junkie yesterday. This morning when I woke up, I decided that I wasn’t going to step on either. Instead I tried on a skirt that didn’t fit me before, and it fit me well today. That made me feel like, so what if my pounds are high, I am clearly seeing results. I’m trying so hard to not let this control my life anymore. Over the past 2 years I’ve had a huge life style change, I haven’t been on a diet, I’ve been on a change. My body has responded to it, but my mind has not caught up yet. I need to get my mind on the same page. That is my goal now!

Coming Clean

So, there has been something weighing on me and my mind. I decided that I want to talk about it because it is something that consumes my every thought for most part of most days. I thought that by ignoring it on the outside, that would make it go away on the inside, but really it just made it worse and it has spiraled into something I can’t control and something that needs to be addressed so that I can possibly start living a different type of life. So, let’s dive right in.


All of my life I’ve felt fat. I’ve always been the biggest girl, I’ve always had a tummy, and I’ve always felt fat. I’m going to be extremely honest, in hopes of helping myself, and helping someone else. For most of my high school days I was a size 13, and barely fit into that size 13. Every day I felt insignificant, ugly, and fat. My mom used to tell me that it was baby fat and that one day I would get tall and the fat would fall into place, and to be honest, I’m not sure if that ever happened or not. Now looking back, I was pretty average, and I should of learned to love myself because there was NOTHING wrong with me. Shortly after high school, I met my husband, and right away started going out to dinners and sitting around. Before I knew it, or realized it I was a size 18, and about 250 lbs. I don’t even really know when or how I got to be that size, I didn’t see or feel it happening, but it did. I lived with that weight for a good amount of time, probably close to 6 or 7 years. In 2009 I decided that I wasn’t going to be fat anymore. The thing that triggered it was someone saying some pretty harsh things about my size, and it made me feel really down, really low, and really horrible. So I started walking, and following the Weight watchers plan in July of 2009, and by November I had lost close to 50 lbs. It felt great and I was excited to keep it going and to lose another 30 or 40 lbs. In Jan of 2010, things in my marriage were not so great, and I separated and at that point I stopped following my exercise and food plans and I stayed at 200 lbs for the entire year of 2010. I have to say that even though I was disappointed that I didn’t lose, I was happy that I was able to at least keep the weight off and stick at the weight I was. Recently I started back on my healthy eating and walking and running plan, and I am already starting to see results and get complements from family and friends who are seeing the results as well. So, today I am at 194 lbs.


Even though I’ve lost the amount of weight I’ve lost, and I fit into things that I have NEVER fit into, I feel fatter than ever. I look at my arms and think “yuck” I look at my tummy and thing “ugh” will it ever go away, will I ever be happy with myself? Every bite of food I take is justified in my mind. For instance, there is a Fresh and Easy Chicken enchilada that I happen to LOVE! It’s satisfying, its filling, its tasty, it’s so good, and the meal is 320 calories, and low sodium and has a good amount of fiber, so I enjoy eating it. But, for some reason, in my mind, I have to constantly justify the fact that even though it’s a processed food, it has a good amount of calories and that it is on the healthier side of things and I shouldn’t feel guilty for eating it. This sort of dialog happens with everything I eat, or think about eating. I also say things to myself like “well, I’m going to go running later, so it’s okay if I eat this ______ now” or “its veggies so I can have extra” EVERYTHING has an excuse or justification.


The other day, I weighted myself and I was 190, the lowest I’ve ever been (since I was probably 10…) and I was so excited! I was thinking, soon I’ll see 189, oooo how I long to see the 180’s! But then after more running and working out and yoga I get back on the scale and I’m at 195. It’s so frustrating and discouraging, but then I remind myself that my pants are fitting me better, and dresses that used to be too tight are fitting me perfectly now. Maybe its muscle that is causing me to weigh more, and then I think “don’t make excuses for why you weight more, it’s probably that burrito you had, or the way you ate in Chicago last week.” I never give myself a break from food or my weight. I’m always thinking about it and I try to not talk about it, but according to the Guitar Hero, I’ve told him at least 10 times how the fresh and easy meal has only 320 calories in it. I had no idea I told him that many times.


I was trying to get all Oprah on myself and think “where is this all stemming from” but I really don’t know. All I know is that I was FAT, and I’m still a big girl. I don’t’ want to be FAT anymore; I’m terrified of being back to a size 18, and being 250 lbs. Maybe because I ignored it so much when I was younger, I’m trying to make sure that I do EVERYTHING to not ignore it now so that I don’t let it spiral out of control again. Maybe by talking about it now, I can stop living with it, eating me up inside. I’m not sure, but I’m trying so hard to stay on track with my weight loss, and it’s hard when I’m a single mom, working full time, I have a 3 year old that I’m raising, a new boyfriend, drama drama drama everywhere drama, lack of funds to join a gym or buy the “expensive” healthy food out there. And I really am doing my best, and even though I’m in this weird stage where I feel fatter than ever, I’m also at this stage where I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished, and it makes me feel good that my clothes are fitting me, and people are noticing. I just need to find a way to not let food and weight control my every ounce of being, and learn to enjoy food, and use it as fuel for my body, not fuel for my every ounce of being.


So, I’m not going to ignore it anymore, I’m going to talk about it, I’m going to seek out advice, and hope that other people can offer words of wisdom, and things to think about to help shift my focus and my thinking so that I can live freely and stop being a prisoner to this!

me... may 2009 - 250lbs



me.. nov 2009 - 210lbs

me today may 2011 194lbs

so... that's all the honest hard to say, I don't really want to admit my weight sort of truth. But i feel like i have to do this in order to come clean with myself, and hopefully learn to move on from this obsession I have!

Trust?

How do you know when you can trust someone? How do you know when you are or aren’t being played? What do you do when you find out that people you thought you could trust are actually not trustworthy at all? I’ve heard that saying “trust your gut” but my gut always lets me down! It never gives me a reason to not believe someone. It makes me question someone, but once the questions are answered, everything is satisfied. Recently I was told two things that have been eating away at me ever since, the first thing was “your problem is that you don’t know when you’re being played” and the second is “I felt like I needed to tell you what you wanted to hear”. Those are some pretty deep statements coming from someone you are supposed to be able to trust. After saying something like that, do you expect to be trusted again? I’ve also heard things, and found things out that I want explanations for, but will the explanations just satisfy me and not really be the truth? Is it worth even going there? This is not just from one person, it feels like there are lots of people I put my trust into, that are talking about me behind my back, and now I feel exposed, I feel like my little world is imploding, I feel like I can’t trust anything or anyone. I feel like running away from everyone and disappearing for good, starting over, starting new, and not let anyone into my little trust bubble again.

Traits from Mama

When I was growing up I used to think “I’ll never be like my parents!” I remember watching them and thinking they were lame, and that they didn’t know anything, they never let me do anything and I was always grounded for having bad grades. The constant motto in my house was “Heather, if you only applied yourself!” I couldn’t wait to prove them wrong, and show them, and have my own daughter and let her do whatever she wants and I swore that I would never take on their traits. Well, I was wrong! First of all, now that I have my own daughter, I know why they never let me do anything!!! And secondly, I’m not sure why, but lately, more and more I’ve been noticing how much I am like my mother! I think it’s all the conversations I’ve had with The Guitar Hero. He asks me lots of questions that make me think about myself, and how I got to be the person I am today. My mom always wants to know the whole story. She will ask a million questions to get to the bottom of it. I am the same way, but I never realized how much I am like her in this way. I only recently noticed it because she was asking questions about The Guitar Hero, like “have you met his kids” “where does he live” “how are things in his life” “when will ‘certain’ things happen” and I’m like SHEESH, what’s with the 20 questions lady, I’m not ready to answer all of these questions, and the answers could be changing at any given second so I don’t want to commit to an answer, and then have it change! Last night, The Guitar Hero was over, and I started asking him questions, and he said “man, you don’t let me get away with anything do you?” Then I started thinking about my mom, and how she passed on that trait to me. Since I’ve been so in tune with my mother and the things she has passed to me, it’s been on my mind A LOT. Last night I was cooking dinner, and I was standing at the stove with my hand on my hip. I thought “OH CRAP!” my mom does that!!!! SHOOT! It’s happening!!! I’m becoming HER! Don’t get me wrong, my mom is an AWESOME lady! She is smart, beautiful, funny, generous, loving, caring and all around awesome! I should be so lucky to be just like her! BUT! You know, when I was a kid, I swore I never would! My plans are backfiring. I’m now striving to be like my parents, when before, I was doing everything I could to not be like them.

My mom LOVES the holidays; she has specific ones that she goes nuts for! Christmas and Easter. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because a fictional character comes to visit you in the night. That’s kinda creepy Mom… But, it’s true! Santa Clause and the Easter bunny BOTH come in the middle of the night and leave presents and then disappear into the fog, or something like that. It must be that magic of these two holidays that she loves so much. A few weeks ago she asked Mac what she wanted the Easter Bunny to bring her. So, for weeks now, my child has been asking about the Easter Bunny and wants to go see him. Thanks mom! That’s one the things that I love about my mom so much! That she cares about holidays, and family, and traditions and she keeps them going! Her dad, My Grandpa Sam was that way too! He kept our family together until he died, and everyone sort of went in their own direction. Now that I have a child, I get very choked up thinking about holidays and seeing Mac’s face light up when she wakes up to see what Santa or the Easter Bunny brought for her. It’s magic like that that we need!! It’s magic like that that keeps us together, and keeps tradition alive, and reminds us that the most important thing is family and each other. See, another trait that she has passed to me, without me even knowing about it! I’m so grateful for my mom, and for the lessons she has taught me, and for all of the beatings I received (not really!), and the summers spent on restriction. I don’t look one bit like my mother, and in fact she is so young, that we used to be mistaken for sisters (right mom). She has light hair, I have dark hair, we have different facial features, different skin tones, different body types, but on the inside, in my heart, and in my mind, and in the inner being of who I am, it all comes from her, and I’m proud of that! I am who I am today because of that lady and her never giving up on me, and always pushing me to be better and for having me at only 20 years old, and giving me the best life I could have had! She sacrificed a lot! A LOT, her “young fun years” and she NEVER EVER once acted like she missed it, she is the best mom! ALWAYS THERE for me and my brother! No matter what we needed, we had it! So, THANKS Mom! You are the best! I love you so much! Thank you for life, and for everything else!

Bumpy Roads and Pretty Packages

Did you know that the ears and eyes are 2 parts of our bodies that self heal themselves? Not sure why, but they are! It seems like The Guitar Hero and I are pretty good at self healing too! Lately we have been going through some issues that have been bothering him. What bothers him bothers me, so we’ve been doing lots of talking, and communicating and listening, and thinking and re-talking, and e-mailing, and thinking, and responding and coming to conclusions that are helping us to resolve all of these issues. It’s actually pretty fascinating to think about where we started, and where we’ve ended with all of this. One of the most beautiful parts of all of this is how each conversations leads us to a stronger bond, which leads us to better understanding of each other. Today we were continuing the discussion and he was talking, trying to explain something to me, and I threw out a term that make him have an “ah ha” moment, and then he was better able to explain what he meant to me. It’s so nice to have trust in someone, and know that they love you, and be able to say what you feel without feeling like it could ruin everything. I think we both feel that way. We go into a conversation knowing and explaining that what we have to say isn’t pretty, but it also doesn’t change the way we feel, but it needs to be said, and dealt with so we can move forward. This is one of the many things that I love about The Guitar Hero! Everything is so easy and just clicks into place with him! It’s so easy to talk to him, to explain things to him, to have conversations with him. Good, bad, and ugly conversations. He never judges me on the deepest darkest feelings that I have. It’s so nice, it’s so freeing! I didn’t think that existed!

This past weekend I was probably the most vulnerable that I’ve been around him. I was going through some things, and I needed him to be there with me. I’ll be honest and say that he wasn’t so happy with me, he was having doubts and feelings and wasn’t necessarily mad at me, but mad at a certain situation. He knew that I needed him, and he swallowed those angry feelings, and he came and he was there for me. He took 100% care of everything I needed, he was loving, and caring, and held my hand when I needed him to, and wiped my tears when I needed him to, he made me breakfast, lunch and dinner, and got me everything I wanted, when I wanted. Later, he told me that he was really upset with the prior situation, and was taking it out on me even though I had no idea. In my heart, I’m looking at this in two ways. First I thought, well, he must really care about me if he was able to swallow those feelings and just be there in the way that I needed him to be. Second I thought, if he wasn’t giving me his all 100% loving attention, and I only got the 80% he told me he gave, then, I’m kinda bummed I missed out on that extra 20%. Overall though I see that he will be there for me, when I need him, no matter what, because he loves me, and he cares about me, and he knows that I need him. I thought that was kinda great!

Little by little we are learning about each other, we are finding that we love each other more than we’ve ever experienced, and because of that, all of the little bumps you find along the way, are surfacing much quicker. I think it’s good because we can deal with it all now, and move on, and enjoy this journey even more. After everything that happened this weekend, and all of the discussions we’ve had over the past few days I feel even stronger love for him. I feel a stronger bond for him; I feel more of everything for him. I enjoy the bumps in the road because they are exciting, they are learning experiences, they are growing pains, and lessons to live by. Without the bumps it would be very boring! Sometimes you can wrap a horrible situation up in a pretty package and put a pretty bow around it and it looks nice from the outside, but inside there is turmoil and angst and all bad things. I don’t want any pretty bows or packages, I just want real, raw emotion that grows, changes and evolves and makes us better!

Whats been going on....

Nothing, not one little thing interesting has been going on with me! I’m tired beyond all belief. Its 2:00 and I’m ready for a nap! I’m sitting here at my desk trying to force my eyes to stay open! I just put some eye drops in to moisturize and revitalize them. It’s not working. Then I thought, Hmm… I haven’t written much lately. Let’s try to conjure up something interesting to write about. How are things going with Mac you ask? Well, she is in her terrible 3 stage. She enjoys jumping on my furniture, eating in my bed when I’m at work, and leaving me a messy crummy bed. She loves playing at the park, and would live there if she could, but her mother forces her to leave after only 2 hours of play time, and then she turns in to devil baby and refuses to bathe, eat, even make cookies for the rest of the night. She also enjoys using terms such as “don’t talk back to me” “what’d u say” “you don’t like me anymore” “no way” “I just a baby” “I not too little, oh no I not”, and the list goes on. She eats only for her grandmother, and refuses all other food options unless there happens to be mass amounts of sugar involved. Sometimes, I call myself, and pretend I’m talking to Grandma. Here is how that goes. “Hi Grandma, how are you? Oh, you want Mac to take a bite of her chicken, Okay I’ll let her know, thanks for calling” and then, Mac suddenly eats her chicken. It’s AMAZING. Those grandma’s have sneaky grandma tricks I’m convinced! She hurt her finger last weekend, so this week as been “Week-o-Band-Aid” every hour she needs to change it, even it if happens to be at 3:00AM, and if that 3:00AM band aid wasn’t sticky enough, we have to change it again. Starting today, I have 5 days off, and she will be with her dad for the next 5 days. I do miss her, but MAN I enjoy the RE-Charging of my batteries when she is away!

Today I found out that James died of an overdose. In my heart I knew that’s what it was. I think that I dealt with that months ago, that I’m not affected by it. Maybe it’s good to know as closure, but I already knew without having to have proof. I’m not sure why or how I knew, I guess just intuition. I feel bad for his daughter. She is a sweet girl, extremely smart, funny, and just all around great! I don’t really get to see her since her family didn’t really know me. We are still neighbors, but I’ve seen her maybe once or twice since everything happened. I just pray that she learns from all of this, that she stays strong, that she doesn’t follow in his footsteps!!!

The Guitar Hero and I are THRIVING! Its great!!! A real relationship with out all the drama and hassle and worry and DRAMA! It’s very nice! We are able to talk, and actually communicate, and agree upon things like reasonable people. Who knew that was a possibility? Right now we are spending a lot of time wanting to be together, but aren’t really SUPER able to spend as much time as we want. We both work, have kids, have activities and are trying to find the balance. It’s nice though, because on the days that we are able to see each other, we have a great time, we have lots to catch up and talk about, and it’s a lot of fun! I guess that’s how things are supposed to be at the beginning anyway. Not “hey, we just met, 30 seconds ago, would you like to move in?” So, I’m really enjoying it! I am not going to lie though; I do want him over every day, all day. That’s just me though, and I’m trying to find the balance for myself so that I can learn and grow and be able to make myself happy, so that I can be happy in a relationship. He met Mac last week. She really liked him. She was her normal self, and I thought it went great!

SO, that’s what’s been going on. Fun life stuff! I’m ready for the weekend, and sleeping in! its only Wednesday!