I’ve been MIA from my blog lately, and from others blogs as well. I’m not exactly sure what my problem is. I’m not sure if I’m stressed or depressed or making a mountain out of a mole hill. I really don’t know. I’m hoping the fog will lift soon and I can get back to my happy little self! Lately I’ve been feeling like there isn’t anything going on that I can be proud of. I see only the negative things I’ve done or been through this past year and a half, from Divorce, to a BAD relationship, to Death, to a new relationship that is nice, but has lots of turmoil. On top of that, I’ve trying to navigate my way though being a mom, only seeing my daughter 50% of the time. Trying to fight for her and what she needs when it comes to time with her dad and him paying attention to her. He recently dropped a bomb shell on me and said that he has plans to move out of state soon. He isn’t sure where, but he is moving. I’m so upset I don’t even know where to start. We have a child to raise, she is only 3 years old, this is the time to be here for her no matter what, and he’s taking off. He expects that she can go be with him for 30 days, and then with me for 30 days, but how stable is that for her? How can 30 days pass without me seeing my baby? Yes, motherhood is stressful, and I will be the first to admit that when I have a break, I take full advantage and enjoy it, but I made the choice to have a child, and because of that, I am the best mom I know how to be to her. It’s not always easy, I don’t ALWAYS enjoy it, there are a lot of days that I sit and cry because it’s hard and she drives me crazy, but she is 3 that is her job! To test and discover her boundaries and limits, and it’s my job to be there for her along the way, and it’s HIS job as well, and now he wants to leave. I’ve put this out of my head for the past week, and it’s starting to take its toll on me! Just sitting here writing about it now has me choked up and crying. My jaw, teeth, and gums hurt so bad from grinding my teeth most nights. I don’t know what to do. I need him here, she needs him here. Is it okay for me to let her be out of state every 30 days? Back and forth like a yoyo? It’s not her fault that he wants to leave, so why does she have to bounce back and forth and not have any stability in her life? What happens when she starts school, or sports, and is getting awards and trophies for being #1 best at everything she does and her daddy isn’t here to see her? Then what? How do I explain this to him so he understands, and tries to make it work here? Am I being punished for the things I did to him? Is this my Karma coming back to me? My bad karma and decisions shouldn’t be taken out on that sweet girl of ours. Gosh I just don’t know what to do. I hope someone out there in blog-ville can help with this one. I don’t want my friend to leave, and I don’t what my daughters father to leave. We both need him! I’ve told him, and he doesn’t seem to care, or understand. It’s like talking to a big ole brick wall!
In the meantime, before any final decisions have been made, I need to find a way to de-stress! My face is breaking out like crazy, my mouth is throbbing from grinding my teeth at night, my tummy is always upset, and I just feel like I’m walking in the fog, all sad and depressed and stressed and I don’t like it. How do I just shake it off? How do I just smile and ignore everything else? Am I a making too big a deal out of all of this? Should I be happy that he is leaving so then I can have her to myself 100% of the time, and know that I’m providing the best life possible for her? I just don’t’ know. I need some help/guidance/advice…. I’m open…. I’m listening…
