Ups and Downs... In's and Outs...

So, last night my husband decided that he felt too pressured to stay at home, and he moved out. He decided to stay with his mom, and that's where he is going to be for a while. Not sure how long, but that's the plan. Actually, at first I was bummed about it for my daughters sake. She loves her daddy so much, and she wants him there with us all the time. I felt fine with the fact that he didn't want to be there because I was feeling like I was just jumping right back into our old life where I did everything, and didn't feel appreciated for it, and it had only been 4 days.

So, for now, I'm just going to pray and leave it in Gods hands. Part of me keeps thinking about the things that I wanted so bad when we were together, and wondering if I'll get those things now. I keep comparing how James treated me, to how my husband used to treat me, and wondering if he will live up to my expectations. I realize that's not fair. So I need to take some time to be on my own and figure out what it is that I want. And try to find my own happiness.

I'm on the road to doing that... January is going to turn my world upside down... and I can't wait!!!!! I think I'm going to sell everything that I own and live with only basic necessities. I keep thinking about how when James left this world, he didn't take anything with him. So, why do I need to keep things that have been sitting in boxes in my garage for the last 10 years. I could sell those things, buy myself the most awesome computer and use that to better my life! I love taking pictures, and I need a good computer for editing them, and making them as beautiful as I want them to and to share them with the world. I'm taking a photography class in Jan, and I'm so excited for it. I'm going to the local collage to get started on figuring out my classes I want and need to take. This time is MY TIME, and I'm going full steam ahead to better myself, and my life so that I can live for me and wake up every morning knowing that the work I'm doing is making a difference, and making me happy. I want to be in love with myself.... and I want to make myself happy... So.... lets get ready... New Year here we come!!!!

cute owl calendar

I'm in love with all things calendars... and I stumbled across this today and thought it was too cute NOT to share. You can customize your own owl themed calendar! super easy! super cute!

You can get the down load Here

RACK'ed!!!

Random Act of Kindess…
This morning I was so cold that I couldn’t find my way out of my covers! I didn’t get out of bed until 6:15, and I start work at 7:00… Luckily I only work about 10 mins away from my house! And I’m a super speed getting readier! I didn’t have time to make coffee this morning, so I decided to stop by Starbucks. Which by the way, Starbucks is my enemy! There is one on every corner, and they are all drive through! It’s just not fair! I’m an addict! and the worst part is, Coffee is LEGAL, and EVERYWHERE! And it’s EXPENSIVE!!!! I spend $7:00 on coffee and a reduced fat turkey bacon sandwich. To be honest, it’s worth all $7:00, because I love it so much, but I still feel the need to complain!

This morning, I was paying for my coffee in the drive through, and then, all of a sudden, it hit me and I decided to pay for the lady behind me’s coffee! I got a huge adrenaline rush, and it really made me feel good! I was happy to do it! My whole drive to work I felt that nervous shaky, I just got away with something feeling. HA! Not sure why, because I wasn’t trying to be sneaky, but it still gave me that sneaky feeling inside!

I go home for lunch sometimes, and today happened to be one of those days. On my way home from lunch, I stopped at Starbucks for a refreshing peppermint mocha frap (lite!) and the same girl was working in the drive through. She told me that the lady didn’t believe that I bought her the coffee. She also said that she didn’t “pay it forward” and that bummed the drive through girl out! She said that a lot of times someone will buy someone’s coffee and then everyone in line will buy the person’s coffee behind them and it will go for a long time, but this lady killed it! that’s pretty cool to know that one day I could be stuck in a Starbucks drive through and I’m right smack dab in the middle of a paying it forward line and someone buys my coffee!!! Just another reason to visit Starbucks every morning~!!!
All in all, I’ll be continuing with my Random Acts of Kindness. I like the way it made me feel! So, why not!!

just getting it off my chest....

Busy busy busy…. Never time to sit or rest or relax! It’s crazy! The best part is I do it to myself! But, I remind myself of this motto that I once heard Sarah Jessica Parker say. “I can sleep when I’m dead” It helps remember to enjoy my life, enjoy my now 3 year old, and enjoy the fact that I have the ability to be busy. Right now I’m busy making Christmas Gifts! I’m making purses, aprons, and headbands for all of the young girls in my life. I’m making Christmas pillows, ornaments, and crocheted towels for all of the mature ladies in my life! I feel frantic about it, but, I’ve devised a plan, and I’ve got to settle myself down, and just stick with the plan! DON’T DERAIL FROM THE PLAN!!! Everything should work out just fine, I may miss out on meals and sleep, but it will be worth it! Okay, so it isn’t that bad, I have to tell the dramatic Scorpio in me to chill out!

I wanted to do an advent calendar this year, I saw this really great idea to do a Random Acts of Kindness countdown to Christmas calendar. I got everything ready to do it, and then I decided that I just don’t have the time and energy to put a full force daily Random Act of Kindness mission in to place right now. But, I still have that Random Act of Kindness lingering in my heart, so I will do some random acts here and there, but not an everyday mission like I originally had planned. Then, I had this great idea to continue the Act’s into next year. So… Here’s my plan. I am going to create a weekly calendar for year 2011. Every Sunday night, I will open up the Random Act of Kindness “mission” and I’ll have all week to perform that task. I can do it as many times as I want, or just once if I want. It could be buying the person’s coffee behind me, visiting an old folk’s home, taking old books to a mall play area, bringing goodies to the library. We can do them individually, or as a family. It all depends on the task, the time, the location, the mood, the situation. I’m looking forward to this project for a few different reasons. First of all, it gives me a chance to do something new, every week. It will probably get me out of the house and meeting new people, and I think it’s just sort of exciting that cool things are going to be happening to other people. I think I might get some cute “RACK’ed” (Random Act of Kindness) cards made up so that I leave the card behind, and can sort of get the ball going, and hopefully the next person will catch on and pay it forward! I’ll be sure to blog about it as well.


This is way off subject, but something that’s on my mind. So, this week I’ll be signing the paperwork to get started on my divorce. It’s a weird and sad feeling. I didn’t really TRY to work things out with my husband since he left, so I really don’t have the right to be sad. I keep thinking about our wedding, and I keep wondering if we are doing the right thing. I look at my daughter, and I think, I wish she had a sister, with the same mom and dad as her. But, then I think about all those nights that I had no attention paid to me. The nights were the computer sat on my husband’s lap instead of me sitting on his lap. The nights that I would wake up in the middle of the night and he would be playing dominoes on the computer, and I would think, “Why isn’t he playing with me?” The times that I would plan activities outside of the house so that we could grow, talk, connect, and he would be on his phone instead of participating in life. He now has a girlfriend, and he likes to tell me how she appreciates all of the attention he gives her. It’s nice to know that he can give it to her, when he should have been giving it to me. So, maybe, we could have worked it out, I guess the problem wasn’t so bad that we couldn’t of worked it out. The problem was, our hearts were not in it and we did not want to fix things. Tomorrow is the day that we meet with the lawyer; it’s going to be a strange day. Before I meet with the lawyer, I’ll be going to my individual counseling session. It’s sort of funny that I have a counseling session, before I go to get divorced. My plan is to… Look good, and feel really good about myself, so, that way, if, I start to get upset, I can remind myself how pretty I am, and how great I am on the inside too!!! I feel sad for my daughter. I feel sad that she has to be shuffled around because we are so selfish. I feel sad that she won’t ever get to see her mom and dad hanging out and having fun all together as a family. I don’t miss my husband, but I do miss my child’s father being around. She sees him, just as much as she sees me, but I wish that she could see us together. I wish that we could parent her together, and teach her together, and give her new experiences together. I guess that’s the hard part about this divorce for me. That now it’s just me and her, even if I do have a boyfriend, the responsibility all falls on me to teach her, and grow her. I know that I can do it, and I’m a great mom, but it would be nice for our little family to be put back together…. For her sake…. I know that’s not enough, if we get back together, it can’t be for her, but, because of her, I want to be back together. My stubborn Scorpio will not allow me to work things out with my husband. I always see the bad in him, and it’s hard for me to find the good now, after all of the hurt that has happened. I guess I need to work on that a little…. I think there are a lot of things I need to work on. I’m grateful for this time in my life because I have the ability to work on myself, do things for myself, and open up my eyes and hopefully make the changes I need to make in order to be able to make myself happy!!! Because, at the end of the day, all I really want is to be happy!