Grandpa Sam

My Grandpa Sam was one of my most favorite people! I remember how he used to love coming over to our house Christmas morning to watch me and my brother open presents.  He once took me and my cousin Scott on a long bike ride down the riverbed all the way down to the Queen Mary in Long Beach.  When he babysat my brother and I one weekend, he told us, "rules were made to be broken", and let us eat in our rooms, and play Nintendo the entire time.  You could often find him playing the latest and greatest gaming system, and he was usually the first one to beat the games!   He took me fishing off the seal beach pier, and made me put my own worms on the hook... gross!  He came to our baseball, basketball games, or swim meets.  He used to come watch me when I was in Tall Flags, and the first time he came, I accidentally hit my team mate in the head with my flag, and my grandpa NEVER let me forget that!  He loved his family, and he loved everyone of us to come over for bbq's and holidays every chance he got.  His favorite holiday was 4th of July, he would make his own fireworks, and even passed the love on to all of his grandsons.  He was a big prankster and BSer. He was funny. He was tall.  He was strong.  He loved to golf.  He loved his job working at the car auction. He loved to ride his bike.  He loved people.  He loved life!

I think that he had a special relationship with each and every one of his children and grandchildren.  We all loved him, each in a different way, for a different reason.  Everyone who met Grandpa Sam had that same sort of relationship with him.  We all know him in a different way. Which makes each relationship unique.

One afternoon in the year 2004 we were visiting with my grandpa and he was complaining to my mom about his shoulder and neck hurting as he had a pinched nerve.  He said he needed to go to the doctor because of a bad cough he had and my mom told him to mention the pinched nerve.  Later that week we got a call from my aunt that the doctors thought he had lung cancer.  I remember waiting for my mom to come home to tell her about the call.  I felt sick.  I felt dark.  I felt the same way I felt the day the Twin Towers were hit.  I felt as if a tower in my life had been hit.

We visited him in the hosptial and he looked like my strong grandpa.  He was positive and he said "we'll beat it" we all knew he would because he was such a strong man so full of life. He fought hard for 21 months, and on March 30, 2006 the cancer won the battle. I think of him often.  I dream of him often.  I like to think that is how he visits me, in my dreams.  I like to think that he is always around, playing practical jokes on us.  I miss him.  I wish I knew him now, I wish he knew the me I am today.  I wish he knew my daughter, and all of his other great grandkids.

A few years ago, my mom started walking in the lung cancer walk that was started by Lungevity.  Last year I walked with her, and I was deeply moved.  It was a small event, but you could see the passion and importance and people were there for a reason. I didn't raise any funds last year, I only paid my registration fee and walked.  This year, I decided that I would do more.  I set a goal, and I decided to ask people I knew, and people that I don't know to walk with me, or give a donation.  I don't know many of you that read my blog, but I know that you must be great people (since you read such a great blog!)  and I am asking for help and support with this walk.  Think of it as sacrificing your daily coffee just one day, and donating that coffee to lung cancer research.  Even if you can't donate, because I know as well as any that times are tough, I would appreciate it if you would check out my page, and check out Lungevity and maybe there will be an event near you that you can participate in.  I really appreciate any and all support!! Thanks so much! :)

Please visit my personal page here.

A moment of POWER....

Today, I had this great moment of power, and now I can’t get over it!!! It’s like the best adrenaline rush + a great boost of confidence and energy! I’m very proud of myself! So here is what happened! I happen to work with my boyfriend (the Guitar Hero) it’s going on 10 months now, which is pretty good! I’m pretty happy, but of course I have my days where I get extremely irritated with The Guitar Hero because he is a guy, and guys are dense! There, I said it! Now it’s out in the open and we are all on the same page! So, lately I feel like we’ve been doing whatever he wants to do, and sometimes he wants to do boring things! He plans every day, and his plans include sitting in his car in a parking lot for lunch. That is cool sometimes, but not every day. So, today he calls me and this is how the convo goes:




GH: “Hey, its .50 pizza day, so do you want a slice, and we can sit in the car? I’m taking a 30 min lunch, so it’s up to you if you want to go or not, I know you cantake an hour.”

Me: “uhhhhh”

GH: “oh, ur trying to be healthy right? Okay well you don’t have to have pizza, but I’m going to have a slice, then take a 30 min lunch in the parking lot. It’s up to you if you want to go”

Me: “yea, I don’t want pizza, I was going to have a spinach salad with turkey breast, and I don’t want to eat salad in the car, it’s kind of hard, so I’ll just eat at my desk. Just do whatever you’re going to do, and I’ll do whatever I’m going to do”

GH: “Bwahahahahaaa… ur so funny, are you saying ‘I don’t want to play your reindeer games, I want you to play my reindeer games’”

Me: “ummm… I guess… I am not trying to play reindeer games, I just don’t want to sit in the car for 30 mins doing what YOU want to do. I think I’m going to target, I need to go do something fun for my hour”

GH: “Well, you leave the plans up to me, and now you aren’t happy because they aren’t fun… UGH!”



So, he got all mad that his plans are lame, and my plans are AWESOME! AND I couldn’t be happier about it. I just feel like lately all we do is whatever he wants, if he wants me to go to lunch with him to run his errands I do, if he wants me to just chill with him, I do. If he wants me to bring lunch from home for both of us, I do. It’s all about him and what he wants, and I get really frustrated and take it out on him. But the thing I realized today is that I have power. I have the power to do what I WANT TO DO, and I can do what is going to make me happy, and happy HEATHER is a better HEATHER!!! So, I just felt really good about making plans for myself that are going to make me happy. I need to stop worrying about him; I need to stop taking care of him! I’m not his mom or wife, I’m just his girlfriend! And you know what, he doesn’t go out of his way for me, and he doesn’t do whatever I want him to do. If I have “lame” plans in his eyes, then he makes his own plans. So, I’m going to start doing the same! It feels good to not rely on him to make me happy! I NEED TO MAKE MYSLEF HAPPY!!!! That is one thing that I keep trying to teach myself and learn over and over and over! I think one day I’ll get it! Lol!!! ONE DAY!!! But it’s getting closer to that day! And I LIKE IT! I like this new freedom I feel!!! I hope I can make it last!!!

Body Image Change

Lately my relationship with food and my body has changed in such a positive way!!! Here are some examples. Usually I wake up and I'm ready for breakfast and coffee. Now, I hardly think about eating until around 9:00, instead of the normal 6:30! For a while I would have a huge plate of fruit at my desk because i would get so hungry so quickly. Now, I bring and apple or an orange, and i may or may not eat it. My mouth hurts from chewing, and I'm only eating normal sized meals for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Something happened when I started admitting I had a problem! It was as if I were in jail, and as soon as I was honest with myself, the bars came down, and I feel free! Now I'm eating for fuel, and not for comfort, or joy, or sadness, or because its time.

I've been walking and running almost every day, and I'm not losing pounds, but I'm definitely sliming down, and looking better in my clothes. I no longer have a "pounds to loose goal" because i see that the number doesn't always matter, now I have goals about what I want to see slim down (my tummy... from having that big ole baby of mine!) and over toned in my whole body. I'm not very interested about losing my size, as i am losing the mommy tummy bulge. The MOST important thing is feeling happy and confident and knowing that I'm looking good, and I should be proud of what I've accomplished!

Mad at myself....

Why do I always allow this to happen? Why do I set up all of these goals, hopes and dreams, only to allow them to fade away when a guy comes around??? UGH its so irritating! I'm so irritated with myself!!!

After Fielder died Last December, I decided that it was time to take time for myself. To learn about myself, to grow and learn to be happy with me. I had a list of goals I wanted to accomplish this year, and I started off strong.

Then a guy came along, took up my free time, and I lost sight of what I wanted. And now I feel like I'm back to square one. Unhappy, alone most of the time, and always trying to please someone and not being pleased in return. I want to be clear that I'm not placing blame on anyone but me. In all of this I keep thinking "what am I doing wrong here" why do things always start off so great and magical, and then end up like crap.

I'm still seeing the guitar hero. Something is missing. He is practically living with me and my little one. But most nights he plans to be out until 8:00 or later if my little one is home with me. In a way its nice because I get lots of alone time with her, and she needs it! Especially since her daddy recently moved to the other side of the country. But, I still want the Guitar Hero to be around. I want him to participate in things, and not just make his own plans away from us all of the time. Its a total bummer, and I find myself getting really mad about it just about every day. Why am I putting up with it if I don't like it?? This is the part that bothers me! I love hanging out with The Guitar Hero... we have TONS of fun together!!!! but lately those days are far and few in between. I'm starting to long for someone who whats to be around, and participate. I'm starting to long for ALONE time, and not have to worry about feeling this way anymore. I hate complaining about it... but I needed to get it off of my chest.

I feel sort of sad about it. But when I ask for what I want (time) it always ends up being a fight, and I don't have the energy to fight anymore.

For now, I want to try and re-focus my self, and get back on track with my goals I set out to accomplish last year. I need to re-evaluate my goal list and set realistic goals that aren't silly, or too out of reach. (my first goal list had "run a marathon" THEN I found out how long a marathon was, and I was like "J/K!")

No more complaining about this... time to move on to the good stuff!!

Big changes

Well life is changing big time! It seems like for me, life is all about change all of the time. I guess that can be viewed as a good thing, never a dull moment in my life these days. So what’s new…. About a year ago I was given a promotion to move from Customer Service to Sales. Of course I took it, more money, more opportunity, new things to learn, new challenges, different co-workers. I didn’t have any expectations, I just wanted to dive in, learn, absorb and function. At first, it was very exciting; I got to travel to Chicago, all expenses paid. I became an “off the clock employee”, I had my own office. It was great. I created my own work schedule, and was pretty much in charge of myself. Did I mention it was sales. Okay, so let me explain something about the transition. Customer service is a position where I am in a cubical environment with 5 other ladies, all able to chat and talk as we please, customers call in to us, and we help them. They need us, and we satisfy their needs. Inside Sales is a position where I sat alone in an office and called people who wanted nothing to do with me and at the end of the day I was probably rejected at least 30 times. It was a touch transition. I was always asking my boss for additional functions where I could “help” people, and he was always telling me “no, just call, and sell”. So, being the good employee that I am, that is just what I did. My first quarter was great, I was 103% of my quota! Not too shabby for a first timer sales gal! My second quarter was not so great, I was about 87% of my quota. And the start of my 3rd quarter was even less. I started becoming unmotivated, and un-excited. I was making sales, but obviously not enough. I wasn’t sure where I stood, and all could really think about was how I longed to be back in customer service. I refused to ask to be let back into customer service, my pride wouldn’t’ let me do it, I had to prove that I could do sales and be good at it. Then, last week, my boss called me in for a chat here is how it went:
Boss: Heather, is sales everything you expected?
Me: Well, I didn’t really set any expectations, I just wanted to learn, and absorb everything that I could.
Boss: do you love sales?
Me: Yea, some days.
Boss: Do you love sales as much as you love customer service
Me: HUGE SMILE… Um… Sometimes :)
Boss: How do you feel about going back to customer service?
Me: Will I keep my same pay?
Boss: yes
ME: YES! :)
Boss: I’m glad you could be honest with yourself, you deserve to be commended for trying out sales, because customer service reps don’t usually make it in sales. But I know you’ll be happier and that’s what I want for you!

So… I guess I felt a little bit like a failure, because I didn’t excel in sales, however, I am one of the best customer service reps you will ever meet, and now that I have my sales background, and much more knowledge about the product we sell, I have lots of confidence that I’ll be up selling to our customers as they call in.
I am 100% happier to be back in my old home with my gals. It’s such a different happier environment! So, that’s a good thing!

The other thing that is dramatically changing in my life is my ex-husband, and father of my child, has decided to move to Georgia. We live in California, and he will be living in Georgia. My reaction and feelings are better than I expected. I have about 3 weeks until he leaves, and during this time I’m going to be busy trying to get things in order as much as possible. I’m angry at him for leaving his daughter behind. He has such a close bond with her now, and he is going to be giving that up. I don’t understand how he can so easily do that. I’m not looking forward to the struggle our child will have. I don’t know what to expect of her. I’m happy that I’ll have her every day, I’m happy that I’ll be able to control more of her discipline and upbringing. I’m happy that her life is going to be more consistent. I’m upset that I’m losing some of my free time. I’m upset that I had plans of going back to school, and now I have to figure out when will be good and find someone to watch her while I can’t. I’m mad that He can leave and start a new life and not even feel bad about it. But right now I have a lot of things on my plate that need to be addressed and handled and I can’t focus on my anger. Maybe that’s why my reaction isn’t exactly as I thought it would be. I have decided that I need to gather up all my gumption, and handle business. Once that is done, THEN I will let myself feel this. So, that’s what is going on with me these days. What’s going on with you???

writers block.... coming to an end...

I have had a serious case of writers block. There are a few reasons. Life isn’t perfect, and I feel like I complain too much on this blog. I don’t want to just come here to tell happy or sad stories of my life. When I look back on the fielder posts, (which I removed), and The Driller posts (which I removed) I get so irritated with myself! Part of me is on this journey to discover what life is all about, and yea, I’m going to fall, to have heart ache, to have heart joy, and I’m going to experience lots of ups and downs and it’s all about the experience of this journey, not the final destination. And it’s sort of cool to document all of that, but when I look back at it, I feel like it’s not real, it was censored, it was embellished to make things look better than they were. It’s always the good stuff that gets more embellished. I’m always afraid that the people I write about will read it, and I want them to be happy with what I write. This is MY blog and I should write about what I want and not care, but I do. I just haven’t felt like writing about anything these days. My inspiration has sort of dwindled, life has been hectic, life has changed, I’m just trying to find my place in it all. My biggest struggle lately has been realizing that I am NOT everyone’s wife or mother. I am one person’s mothers, and she happens to be 3. I am NO BODY’s Wife (as of June 23rd 2011). I don’t need to take care of everyone, I am allowed to be selfish with my time, it is okay if I am alone and my boyfriend (the guitar hero) is out doing his thing.

This is the way my life went
1982 – Born
Lived at home from 1982 – 2005
Took care of my younger brother while my parents were at work from the age of 13+
Was always expected to be responsible
Cooked and cleaned to help out my mom who worked full time
Ended up becoming the wife and mother to everyone
In 2004 my parents divorced, and I lived with my dad for 1 year, I took care of him since he was no longer married to my mom, and had no one to take care of him. (my self imposed thoughts)
In 2005 I was married and moved in with my husband. And took care of him
In 2007 I had my daughter, and started taking care of her
In 2010 my husband and I split up, and I started taking care of The Driller, then Fielder, and now I TRY to take care of the Guitar Hero.
2011 – Realizing that I am only one person’s mother, and it really sucks that I spent the last 28 years worried about others when I should have been allowed to go and have fun and live and discover what life was about instead of being at home with my little brother every day after school for all of those years.

I’m MAD about it! Last night I was watching a movie, there was a beautiful girl in the movie, and a man who was learning to surf. I got mad for 2 reasons, first I was mad at my mother for allowing me to put junk into my body that has allowed me to be overweight! I wish she would have had healthy choices for us instead of processed boxed and bagged foods! Second I was mad because I never got a chance to learn to do anything, or to discover what I liked or didn’t like because I was always home watching my brother and being responsible! I should have been allowed to go out and have fun and live and explore life so that I would of made better life decisions, like not getting married at 22 years old, and finishing school, and building better friendships, and enjoying the sun instead of Top Raman. I’m MAD about it! I know it’s never too late, but I feel like I missed out on so much, and now I am mother, and I do have to be responsible, and sometimes just feel like it’s not fair! There was a point in my life recently that she told me that my dad had told her that they should do something about my weight. And she said that she thought I was happy and she didn’t see the need. I was never happy about my size. My hope now is that I can make sure that my child doesn’t have the same issues and thoughts that I have. That I’ll always have healthy options available for her, and she will choose wisely. In my house now, there are no boxes of processed noodles, or rice, or frozen pizza snacks. Those things are eliminated from my life and I will never feed them to my child and I promise to let her grow and explore and have the chance to fail, because I never did, and I want that for her!

what to do, what to do...

I’ve been MIA from my blog lately, and from others blogs as well. I’m not exactly sure what my problem is. I’m not sure if I’m stressed or depressed or making a mountain out of a mole hill. I really don’t know. I’m hoping the fog will lift soon and I can get back to my happy little self! Lately I’ve been feeling like there isn’t anything going on that I can be proud of. I see only the negative things I’ve done or been through this past year and a half, from Divorce, to a BAD relationship, to Death, to a new relationship that is nice, but has lots of turmoil. On top of that, I’ve trying to navigate my way though being a mom, only seeing my daughter 50% of the time. Trying to fight for her and what she needs when it comes to time with her dad and him paying attention to her. He recently dropped a bomb shell on me and said that he has plans to move out of state soon. He isn’t sure where, but he is moving. I’m so upset I don’t even know where to start. We have a child to raise, she is only 3 years old, this is the time to be here for her no matter what, and he’s taking off. He expects that she can go be with him for 30 days, and then with me for 30 days, but how stable is that for her? How can 30 days pass without me seeing my baby? Yes, motherhood is stressful, and I will be the first to admit that when I have a break, I take full advantage and enjoy it, but I made the choice to have a child, and because of that, I am the best mom I know how to be to her. It’s not always easy, I don’t ALWAYS enjoy it, there are a lot of days that I sit and cry because it’s hard and she drives me crazy, but she is 3 that is her job! To test and discover her boundaries and limits, and it’s my job to be there for her along the way, and it’s HIS job as well, and now he wants to leave. I’ve put this out of my head for the past week, and it’s starting to take its toll on me! Just sitting here writing about it now has me choked up and crying. My jaw, teeth, and gums hurt so bad from grinding my teeth most nights. I don’t know what to do. I need him here, she needs him here. Is it okay for me to let her be out of state every 30 days? Back and forth like a yoyo? It’s not her fault that he wants to leave, so why does she have to bounce back and forth and not have any stability in her life? What happens when she starts school, or sports, and is getting awards and trophies for being #1 best at everything she does and her daddy isn’t here to see her? Then what? How do I explain this to him so he understands, and tries to make it work here? Am I being punished for the things I did to him? Is this my Karma coming back to me? My bad karma and decisions shouldn’t be taken out on that sweet girl of ours. Gosh I just don’t know what to do. I hope someone out there in blog-ville can help with this one. I don’t want my friend to leave, and I don’t what my daughters father to leave. We both need him! I’ve told him, and he doesn’t seem to care, or understand. It’s like talking to a big ole brick wall!

In the meantime, before any final decisions have been made, I need to find a way to de-stress! My face is breaking out like crazy, my mouth is throbbing from grinding my teeth at night, my tummy is always upset, and I just feel like I’m walking in the fog, all sad and depressed and stressed and I don’t like it. How do I just shake it off? How do I just smile and ignore everything else? Am I a making too big a deal out of all of this? Should I be happy that he is leaving so then I can have her to myself 100% of the time, and know that I’m providing the best life possible for her? I just don’t’ know. I need some help/guidance/advice…. I’m open…. I’m listening…

Attention... I need too much!

Attention… I want it… I need it… I crave it…. and I get it… but not from who I want it from at all times of the day. Does that make sense? Let me break it down for ya! I work with the Guitar Hero, he is about 100 feet or less away from me at most times of the day. Yet, we keep our relationship as low key as possible to avoid office gossip and rumors spreading like wild fire. YET they always do seem to spread like wild fire, and they are the craziest rumors, but that’s a whole other topic. Lately, The Guitar Hero and I have been spending more time together in the evenings, which seems to have made our office time way less. For instance, he use to rush to my office as soon as he knew I was here to give me a kiss, or we would sneak off to a dark corner and cop a quick feel. We would e-mail constantly back and forth and pass each other and smile at each other without saying a word, just quick eye contact as to say “hello sexy… I’m thinking bout cha” now….. it’s like HOURS before we see each other while we are at work, the e-mails have almost stopped, other than a quick chat about lunch or after work plans. He used to send me a song every morning. It would be in my inbox waiting for me before I even arrived to work, there it would be, now… nada. I should cut him some slack and explain that he has had a rough couple of months and is a little out of sorts trying to find his way through life and living, and he has a lot to sort out and I know I’m not #1 priority on his list right now. And I’m okay with that fact, and I’m doing my best to be understanding, and not telling him every day how I’m missing our e-mails, I’m missing his attention, I’m missing all the cute secret kisses and the rush and excitement from all of that. I’m trying to find the balance and take it all with a grain of salt (what does that even mean!)… I look at how he treats me when we aren’t here at work, and that hasn’t changed, and I know there isn’t any funny business going on behind my back, so there, I cut him his slack. However, it seems that ever since this has been going on, there is another fellow who is always on the prowl and who is giving me attention. Do I like the attention? Yes. I’m an attention JUNKIE! Do I feel UNCOMFORTABLE with the attention? HECK YES! And I’ve told him to stop, yet, it seems when you tell the creeps of the world to stop, they keep coming back for more, and stronger, and from every angle! What’s an attention Junkie to do?

Part of this attention issue comes from the fact that I was always heavy growing up, and now that I’ve lost weight, and I’m looking good, and I’m feeling confident, I seem to attract more attention from people who would have NEVER given me attention in the past. So, it’s exciting to get it from someone who would of never given it to me before. I’ve been working hard on this attention problem that I have. I’ve been trying to find the happy within myself, and every time I sit here at my desk, waiting for some attention from the Guitar Hero, I start taping my little fingers, and start figuring out what I can do to make myself happy in that moment, so I don’t need it from him, or anyone else. At home I get TONS of attention! TONS!!! But here, for these 9 hours out of the day, it’s like dead air radio silence.

What should I do? Should I tell The Guitar Hero how I need his attention while we are here? Should I leave it alone and think “it’s for the better because we don’t need everyone in our business”? How do I go about avoiding the other co-worker who is giving me large amounts of attention at a time where I’m craving it the most? I already know the answers… Ignore the other co-worker, and tell him to F*off, and don’t’ worry about it so much while we are here at work because everyone doesn’t need to know what’s going on between us, and continue finding my happy and doing things that are helping me grow and become the woman I want to be! Okay! So that’s the plan!

On a side note… I’m still working on my to do list before I turn 30– I reevaluated the list and it’s kind of silly! But that’s okay, I’m still working on it, and so far this month I’ve accomplished a few things! Number 1, I enrolled in school for the fall! BOOYA!!!! I can’t wait!!! #2 I’ve been working on my photography business like NO OTHER! Last night I took a photography class, the instructor was great and recommended a great college to attend for a photography program! So, even though I already enrolled in the first college, I’m going to look into the other college and get set up to start in the fall there! The Guitar Hero said he wanted to go too! Wouldn’t that be cool if he took photography classes with me, and we became a team and lived and breathed and ate and drank photography?! What a thought!

I’m so proud of myself because I haven’t let myself get lost in this relationship! This is the first time in my life that I’ve stood by what I’ve said and continued to press forward with my goals! Last night The Guitar Hero wanted to hang out, and was giving me every reason to want to hang with him, and I really wanted to stay home and curl up on the couch and watch the game with him and eat dinner with him and enjoy the gloomy weather we had yesterday. But, I did not! I went to the class, and I learned A LOT, and I found out information I needed to know! So, I’m proud of myself for going! This is NOT like me, and I like the me I’m becoming now!

I’m also still working really hard on another goal which was to lose this last 40 lbs! I’m not stepping the scale 15 times a day anymore, and in fact I haven’t stepped on the scale since last Saturday, so I don’t know how many pounds I’ve lost, but I do know that I’m wearing clothes that I haven’t ever worn before and I feel great! I’ve been walking/jogging, and every day I feel my endurance getting stronger and its becoming easier for me to hold the jog for longer periods of time! It feels great and even if I don’t lose 1 pound, I’m so proud of myself and I feel so good for even getting out there and working on it. I feel my body changing and transforming and it’s really cool! It helped a lot to start talking about my struggles in the previous 2 posts! So, that’s what’s going on with me! Thanks for all the encouragement!

A day in the life...

me... Today... wearing a shirt that I re-fashioned

from a men's sized XL t-shirt

its says "proud to be awesome"

lol! I wore it to work today for fun, but I'm pretty proud that

I was able to take a big guys shirt, and turn it into a cute shirt for myself

for only $1.50, (the shirt came from the salvation army!)

First of all I would like to thank my readers for the support I’ve received! I didn’t want to talk about this for recognition of my change, but rather to gain support and advice on how to shift my focus. I want to make that clear because I really enjoy attention, and recognition of my accomplishments, and for myself, I want to remind myself, that I’m doing this because I need help, I need support, and I’m hoping that I could maybe help someone else. I don’t want this to get out of hand (in my head) about how I look, and how I’m such a hottie now! Lol… that was a joke, but that is also how my mind works, and how I sometimes let things run away and get out of hand… in my head… so, that’s what I want to say about that! Now… on to the biz:

I would like to talk about a day in the life of Heather. This is how it goes.

Wake up – weigh myself
Go potty – weigh myself to see if there is a diff
Make coffee, wash face, brush teeth – weigh myself once again to see if my body has adjusted from the time I went potty to now. Often times, there is a pound or two less difference, which I find fascinating, and I enjoy seeing
Get ready, go to work.
Come home from work – weigh myself… Think “not bad for eating all day and drinking all that water”
Go for a walk/jog/run
Get home, feeling all sweaty and lighter – weight myself – see a pound or two difference and think “must be all that sweat! BOOYA!”
Shower – weigh myself once again to see if there had been any adjustment in the past 10 -20 mins, considering I probably did go potty in between that time.
Make and eat dinner - weigh myself again to see if the food I put in my body caused me to weigh more or not
Hang out with the kiddo, or the Guitar Hero, or alone…
Get ready for bed, make sure I go potty again - weigh myself once more, and again think “pretty good for being after I ate dinner, and have drank so much water.
At any point during the night that I get up to go potty again – I will weigh myself to see how much pee I peed out that has made me drop a few ounces
If I happen to partake in extracurricular bedtime activities which cause me to feel as if I’m burning calories, I will again weigh myself… Just to see…

Then I go to bed, and do it all over again. I would consider this behavior, behavior of a junkie or an addict. That makes me feel like it’s true what they say about people who are overweight, that they are addicted to food. I don’t know that I’m addicted to food, but I do know I do have a problem. Since my last post, I’ve been trying to pay attention to my behavior and not let it run my life. Yesterday I didn’t weigh myself until right before I went to bed. It was pretty disappointing because at first it said 202.8, and I was like “oh heck no!!!” and then the scale had a huge ‘E’ for error, and I was like whew… and I stepped back on and it was 198.00. The day before it had been 194.8. I need to realize that things happen in the day that could affect my weight. If I drink a gallon of water after I eat a full meal, then yea, I’m probably going to weigh a few more pounds. AND, if I’m running, and building muscles in my legs and lifting weights so my arms will be tone, then maybe I’m creating muscle and muscle weights more than fat. So I should take a chill pill!

I was proud of myself for not being a scale junkie yesterday. This morning when I woke up, I decided that I wasn’t going to step on either. Instead I tried on a skirt that didn’t fit me before, and it fit me well today. That made me feel like, so what if my pounds are high, I am clearly seeing results. I’m trying so hard to not let this control my life anymore. Over the past 2 years I’ve had a huge life style change, I haven’t been on a diet, I’ve been on a change. My body has responded to it, but my mind has not caught up yet. I need to get my mind on the same page. That is my goal now!

Coming Clean

So, there has been something weighing on me and my mind. I decided that I want to talk about it because it is something that consumes my every thought for most part of most days. I thought that by ignoring it on the outside, that would make it go away on the inside, but really it just made it worse and it has spiraled into something I can’t control and something that needs to be addressed so that I can possibly start living a different type of life. So, let’s dive right in.


All of my life I’ve felt fat. I’ve always been the biggest girl, I’ve always had a tummy, and I’ve always felt fat. I’m going to be extremely honest, in hopes of helping myself, and helping someone else. For most of my high school days I was a size 13, and barely fit into that size 13. Every day I felt insignificant, ugly, and fat. My mom used to tell me that it was baby fat and that one day I would get tall and the fat would fall into place, and to be honest, I’m not sure if that ever happened or not. Now looking back, I was pretty average, and I should of learned to love myself because there was NOTHING wrong with me. Shortly after high school, I met my husband, and right away started going out to dinners and sitting around. Before I knew it, or realized it I was a size 18, and about 250 lbs. I don’t even really know when or how I got to be that size, I didn’t see or feel it happening, but it did. I lived with that weight for a good amount of time, probably close to 6 or 7 years. In 2009 I decided that I wasn’t going to be fat anymore. The thing that triggered it was someone saying some pretty harsh things about my size, and it made me feel really down, really low, and really horrible. So I started walking, and following the Weight watchers plan in July of 2009, and by November I had lost close to 50 lbs. It felt great and I was excited to keep it going and to lose another 30 or 40 lbs. In Jan of 2010, things in my marriage were not so great, and I separated and at that point I stopped following my exercise and food plans and I stayed at 200 lbs for the entire year of 2010. I have to say that even though I was disappointed that I didn’t lose, I was happy that I was able to at least keep the weight off and stick at the weight I was. Recently I started back on my healthy eating and walking and running plan, and I am already starting to see results and get complements from family and friends who are seeing the results as well. So, today I am at 194 lbs.


Even though I’ve lost the amount of weight I’ve lost, and I fit into things that I have NEVER fit into, I feel fatter than ever. I look at my arms and think “yuck” I look at my tummy and thing “ugh” will it ever go away, will I ever be happy with myself? Every bite of food I take is justified in my mind. For instance, there is a Fresh and Easy Chicken enchilada that I happen to LOVE! It’s satisfying, its filling, its tasty, it’s so good, and the meal is 320 calories, and low sodium and has a good amount of fiber, so I enjoy eating it. But, for some reason, in my mind, I have to constantly justify the fact that even though it’s a processed food, it has a good amount of calories and that it is on the healthier side of things and I shouldn’t feel guilty for eating it. This sort of dialog happens with everything I eat, or think about eating. I also say things to myself like “well, I’m going to go running later, so it’s okay if I eat this ______ now” or “its veggies so I can have extra” EVERYTHING has an excuse or justification.


The other day, I weighted myself and I was 190, the lowest I’ve ever been (since I was probably 10…) and I was so excited! I was thinking, soon I’ll see 189, oooo how I long to see the 180’s! But then after more running and working out and yoga I get back on the scale and I’m at 195. It’s so frustrating and discouraging, but then I remind myself that my pants are fitting me better, and dresses that used to be too tight are fitting me perfectly now. Maybe its muscle that is causing me to weigh more, and then I think “don’t make excuses for why you weight more, it’s probably that burrito you had, or the way you ate in Chicago last week.” I never give myself a break from food or my weight. I’m always thinking about it and I try to not talk about it, but according to the Guitar Hero, I’ve told him at least 10 times how the fresh and easy meal has only 320 calories in it. I had no idea I told him that many times.


I was trying to get all Oprah on myself and think “where is this all stemming from” but I really don’t know. All I know is that I was FAT, and I’m still a big girl. I don’t’ want to be FAT anymore; I’m terrified of being back to a size 18, and being 250 lbs. Maybe because I ignored it so much when I was younger, I’m trying to make sure that I do EVERYTHING to not ignore it now so that I don’t let it spiral out of control again. Maybe by talking about it now, I can stop living with it, eating me up inside. I’m not sure, but I’m trying so hard to stay on track with my weight loss, and it’s hard when I’m a single mom, working full time, I have a 3 year old that I’m raising, a new boyfriend, drama drama drama everywhere drama, lack of funds to join a gym or buy the “expensive” healthy food out there. And I really am doing my best, and even though I’m in this weird stage where I feel fatter than ever, I’m also at this stage where I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished, and it makes me feel good that my clothes are fitting me, and people are noticing. I just need to find a way to not let food and weight control my every ounce of being, and learn to enjoy food, and use it as fuel for my body, not fuel for my every ounce of being.


So, I’m not going to ignore it anymore, I’m going to talk about it, I’m going to seek out advice, and hope that other people can offer words of wisdom, and things to think about to help shift my focus and my thinking so that I can live freely and stop being a prisoner to this!

me... may 2009 - 250lbs



me.. nov 2009 - 210lbs

me today may 2011 194lbs

so... that's all the honest hard to say, I don't really want to admit my weight sort of truth. But i feel like i have to do this in order to come clean with myself, and hopefully learn to move on from this obsession I have!

Trust?

How do you know when you can trust someone? How do you know when you are or aren’t being played? What do you do when you find out that people you thought you could trust are actually not trustworthy at all? I’ve heard that saying “trust your gut” but my gut always lets me down! It never gives me a reason to not believe someone. It makes me question someone, but once the questions are answered, everything is satisfied. Recently I was told two things that have been eating away at me ever since, the first thing was “your problem is that you don’t know when you’re being played” and the second is “I felt like I needed to tell you what you wanted to hear”. Those are some pretty deep statements coming from someone you are supposed to be able to trust. After saying something like that, do you expect to be trusted again? I’ve also heard things, and found things out that I want explanations for, but will the explanations just satisfy me and not really be the truth? Is it worth even going there? This is not just from one person, it feels like there are lots of people I put my trust into, that are talking about me behind my back, and now I feel exposed, I feel like my little world is imploding, I feel like I can’t trust anything or anyone. I feel like running away from everyone and disappearing for good, starting over, starting new, and not let anyone into my little trust bubble again.

Traits from Mama

When I was growing up I used to think “I’ll never be like my parents!” I remember watching them and thinking they were lame, and that they didn’t know anything, they never let me do anything and I was always grounded for having bad grades. The constant motto in my house was “Heather, if you only applied yourself!” I couldn’t wait to prove them wrong, and show them, and have my own daughter and let her do whatever she wants and I swore that I would never take on their traits. Well, I was wrong! First of all, now that I have my own daughter, I know why they never let me do anything!!! And secondly, I’m not sure why, but lately, more and more I’ve been noticing how much I am like my mother! I think it’s all the conversations I’ve had with The Guitar Hero. He asks me lots of questions that make me think about myself, and how I got to be the person I am today. My mom always wants to know the whole story. She will ask a million questions to get to the bottom of it. I am the same way, but I never realized how much I am like her in this way. I only recently noticed it because she was asking questions about The Guitar Hero, like “have you met his kids” “where does he live” “how are things in his life” “when will ‘certain’ things happen” and I’m like SHEESH, what’s with the 20 questions lady, I’m not ready to answer all of these questions, and the answers could be changing at any given second so I don’t want to commit to an answer, and then have it change! Last night, The Guitar Hero was over, and I started asking him questions, and he said “man, you don’t let me get away with anything do you?” Then I started thinking about my mom, and how she passed on that trait to me. Since I’ve been so in tune with my mother and the things she has passed to me, it’s been on my mind A LOT. Last night I was cooking dinner, and I was standing at the stove with my hand on my hip. I thought “OH CRAP!” my mom does that!!!! SHOOT! It’s happening!!! I’m becoming HER! Don’t get me wrong, my mom is an AWESOME lady! She is smart, beautiful, funny, generous, loving, caring and all around awesome! I should be so lucky to be just like her! BUT! You know, when I was a kid, I swore I never would! My plans are backfiring. I’m now striving to be like my parents, when before, I was doing everything I could to not be like them.

My mom LOVES the holidays; she has specific ones that she goes nuts for! Christmas and Easter. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because a fictional character comes to visit you in the night. That’s kinda creepy Mom… But, it’s true! Santa Clause and the Easter bunny BOTH come in the middle of the night and leave presents and then disappear into the fog, or something like that. It must be that magic of these two holidays that she loves so much. A few weeks ago she asked Mac what she wanted the Easter Bunny to bring her. So, for weeks now, my child has been asking about the Easter Bunny and wants to go see him. Thanks mom! That’s one the things that I love about my mom so much! That she cares about holidays, and family, and traditions and she keeps them going! Her dad, My Grandpa Sam was that way too! He kept our family together until he died, and everyone sort of went in their own direction. Now that I have a child, I get very choked up thinking about holidays and seeing Mac’s face light up when she wakes up to see what Santa or the Easter Bunny brought for her. It’s magic like that that we need!! It’s magic like that that keeps us together, and keeps tradition alive, and reminds us that the most important thing is family and each other. See, another trait that she has passed to me, without me even knowing about it! I’m so grateful for my mom, and for the lessons she has taught me, and for all of the beatings I received (not really!), and the summers spent on restriction. I don’t look one bit like my mother, and in fact she is so young, that we used to be mistaken for sisters (right mom). She has light hair, I have dark hair, we have different facial features, different skin tones, different body types, but on the inside, in my heart, and in my mind, and in the inner being of who I am, it all comes from her, and I’m proud of that! I am who I am today because of that lady and her never giving up on me, and always pushing me to be better and for having me at only 20 years old, and giving me the best life I could have had! She sacrificed a lot! A LOT, her “young fun years” and she NEVER EVER once acted like she missed it, she is the best mom! ALWAYS THERE for me and my brother! No matter what we needed, we had it! So, THANKS Mom! You are the best! I love you so much! Thank you for life, and for everything else!

Bumpy Roads and Pretty Packages

Did you know that the ears and eyes are 2 parts of our bodies that self heal themselves? Not sure why, but they are! It seems like The Guitar Hero and I are pretty good at self healing too! Lately we have been going through some issues that have been bothering him. What bothers him bothers me, so we’ve been doing lots of talking, and communicating and listening, and thinking and re-talking, and e-mailing, and thinking, and responding and coming to conclusions that are helping us to resolve all of these issues. It’s actually pretty fascinating to think about where we started, and where we’ve ended with all of this. One of the most beautiful parts of all of this is how each conversations leads us to a stronger bond, which leads us to better understanding of each other. Today we were continuing the discussion and he was talking, trying to explain something to me, and I threw out a term that make him have an “ah ha” moment, and then he was better able to explain what he meant to me. It’s so nice to have trust in someone, and know that they love you, and be able to say what you feel without feeling like it could ruin everything. I think we both feel that way. We go into a conversation knowing and explaining that what we have to say isn’t pretty, but it also doesn’t change the way we feel, but it needs to be said, and dealt with so we can move forward. This is one of the many things that I love about The Guitar Hero! Everything is so easy and just clicks into place with him! It’s so easy to talk to him, to explain things to him, to have conversations with him. Good, bad, and ugly conversations. He never judges me on the deepest darkest feelings that I have. It’s so nice, it’s so freeing! I didn’t think that existed!

This past weekend I was probably the most vulnerable that I’ve been around him. I was going through some things, and I needed him to be there with me. I’ll be honest and say that he wasn’t so happy with me, he was having doubts and feelings and wasn’t necessarily mad at me, but mad at a certain situation. He knew that I needed him, and he swallowed those angry feelings, and he came and he was there for me. He took 100% care of everything I needed, he was loving, and caring, and held my hand when I needed him to, and wiped my tears when I needed him to, he made me breakfast, lunch and dinner, and got me everything I wanted, when I wanted. Later, he told me that he was really upset with the prior situation, and was taking it out on me even though I had no idea. In my heart, I’m looking at this in two ways. First I thought, well, he must really care about me if he was able to swallow those feelings and just be there in the way that I needed him to be. Second I thought, if he wasn’t giving me his all 100% loving attention, and I only got the 80% he told me he gave, then, I’m kinda bummed I missed out on that extra 20%. Overall though I see that he will be there for me, when I need him, no matter what, because he loves me, and he cares about me, and he knows that I need him. I thought that was kinda great!

Little by little we are learning about each other, we are finding that we love each other more than we’ve ever experienced, and because of that, all of the little bumps you find along the way, are surfacing much quicker. I think it’s good because we can deal with it all now, and move on, and enjoy this journey even more. After everything that happened this weekend, and all of the discussions we’ve had over the past few days I feel even stronger love for him. I feel a stronger bond for him; I feel more of everything for him. I enjoy the bumps in the road because they are exciting, they are learning experiences, they are growing pains, and lessons to live by. Without the bumps it would be very boring! Sometimes you can wrap a horrible situation up in a pretty package and put a pretty bow around it and it looks nice from the outside, but inside there is turmoil and angst and all bad things. I don’t want any pretty bows or packages, I just want real, raw emotion that grows, changes and evolves and makes us better!

Whats been going on....

Nothing, not one little thing interesting has been going on with me! I’m tired beyond all belief. Its 2:00 and I’m ready for a nap! I’m sitting here at my desk trying to force my eyes to stay open! I just put some eye drops in to moisturize and revitalize them. It’s not working. Then I thought, Hmm… I haven’t written much lately. Let’s try to conjure up something interesting to write about. How are things going with Mac you ask? Well, she is in her terrible 3 stage. She enjoys jumping on my furniture, eating in my bed when I’m at work, and leaving me a messy crummy bed. She loves playing at the park, and would live there if she could, but her mother forces her to leave after only 2 hours of play time, and then she turns in to devil baby and refuses to bathe, eat, even make cookies for the rest of the night. She also enjoys using terms such as “don’t talk back to me” “what’d u say” “you don’t like me anymore” “no way” “I just a baby” “I not too little, oh no I not”, and the list goes on. She eats only for her grandmother, and refuses all other food options unless there happens to be mass amounts of sugar involved. Sometimes, I call myself, and pretend I’m talking to Grandma. Here is how that goes. “Hi Grandma, how are you? Oh, you want Mac to take a bite of her chicken, Okay I’ll let her know, thanks for calling” and then, Mac suddenly eats her chicken. It’s AMAZING. Those grandma’s have sneaky grandma tricks I’m convinced! She hurt her finger last weekend, so this week as been “Week-o-Band-Aid” every hour she needs to change it, even it if happens to be at 3:00AM, and if that 3:00AM band aid wasn’t sticky enough, we have to change it again. Starting today, I have 5 days off, and she will be with her dad for the next 5 days. I do miss her, but MAN I enjoy the RE-Charging of my batteries when she is away!

Today I found out that James died of an overdose. In my heart I knew that’s what it was. I think that I dealt with that months ago, that I’m not affected by it. Maybe it’s good to know as closure, but I already knew without having to have proof. I’m not sure why or how I knew, I guess just intuition. I feel bad for his daughter. She is a sweet girl, extremely smart, funny, and just all around great! I don’t really get to see her since her family didn’t really know me. We are still neighbors, but I’ve seen her maybe once or twice since everything happened. I just pray that she learns from all of this, that she stays strong, that she doesn’t follow in his footsteps!!!

The Guitar Hero and I are THRIVING! Its great!!! A real relationship with out all the drama and hassle and worry and DRAMA! It’s very nice! We are able to talk, and actually communicate, and agree upon things like reasonable people. Who knew that was a possibility? Right now we are spending a lot of time wanting to be together, but aren’t really SUPER able to spend as much time as we want. We both work, have kids, have activities and are trying to find the balance. It’s nice though, because on the days that we are able to see each other, we have a great time, we have lots to catch up and talk about, and it’s a lot of fun! I guess that’s how things are supposed to be at the beginning anyway. Not “hey, we just met, 30 seconds ago, would you like to move in?” So, I’m really enjoying it! I am not going to lie though; I do want him over every day, all day. That’s just me though, and I’m trying to find the balance for myself so that I can learn and grow and be able to make myself happy, so that I can be happy in a relationship. He met Mac last week. She really liked him. She was her normal self, and I thought it went great!

SO, that’s what’s been going on. Fun life stuff! I’m ready for the weekend, and sleeping in! its only Wednesday!

Its Finally Friday!!! Free Again!!!

It’s Friday… YAY!!! I feel like I have senioritis. You know those last weeks of high school where you just feel like you’re already on vacation. Mine is a little backwards though. This past Monday and Tuesday I was on vacation, so the past 3 days, I’ve been living in vacation mode! I haven’t been much inspired to write. I’ve been tired, and worn out and all I feel like doing is going home for a nap! I have been busy though! I’ve been spending oodles of time with my little Mac! We’ve been visiting the library for weekly PJ Story Time. Last year, we got kicked out of story time because someone (NOT ME) was a little to wild to sit still and listen. We recently tried again, and there has been a vast improvement! Tuesday was a vacation day for me and I took her to the park. She ran around for 2 and a half hours and I sat in the sun, and got sunburned. Lovely! At about 2:00 I decided it was time to go home, maybe have a nap, and some mommy quiet time. I had to drag her, kicking and screaming. I guess she wasn’t done. So, I see that we need to practice going to the park, and leaving the park, and now that the time is changing (YAY!!!) we will have more daylight longer and will be able to go to the park after work, which I’m looking forward to!
Tonight, The Guitar Hero is going to meet Little Mac. I think it will be fun. I am not worried about it at all! I think Mac will like The Guitar Hero, and EVERYONE likes Mac, so it will be fun! We are going to take her to Disneyland, and hopefully get some yummy desserts! (We always eat dinner before going to Disneyland! YOU WILL SAVE HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS THAT WAY!!!) However, if I do eat at Disneyland, there is one restaurant that is my absolute MOST Favorite! It’s the Carnation Café. It’s located right in the middle of Main Street, in between the bakery and the watch shop. (Are you wondering if I’m a Disney Junkie… I will clarify, YES, I AM!) They have the most delicious Meatloaf Stack. It comes with a toasted piece of bread, with mash potatoes and meatloaf stacked on top! It also comes with a HUGE side of steamed veggies which happen to be just as good! AND they have the best baked potato soup in the world! Its soo good! and it’s so not “DISNEY PRICED” it’s reasonable people! I’m telling you! For the kiddos they have this really cool Peanut Butter Sandwich Pallet. It’s an open sandwich, with peanut butter on one side, and they serve it on a painter’s pallet and they serve it with a few different cups with toppings like Jelly, raisins, marshmallows, bananas, and the kids get to make it their way! I’m a HUGE fan of that!!!! Mac hasn’t tried it yet, she is the world’s pickiest eater, but I think she would dig it! WHO WOULDN”T!?

I’m craving a beignet from the Jazz Kitchen at down town Disney. I’m sure they aren’t like the real thing (this is what the Unlikly Oilfield Wife is thinking) but, for this Cali girl who hasn’t been past Arizona they will do JUST FINE! :) So, I’m looking forward to tonight, and this weekend. No big plans, just nice and relaxing I’m hoping! I hope you plan on doing the same!

working on my list

I've been working on my list of things I want to do before I turn 30. One of those things was finally getting my business started! Here is my first step! Photography has ALWAYS been a passion of mine! I've never taken a class, I do not edit my photos, I just shoot and upload. I happen to think that for my experience, my photographs turn out beautifully! I want to share them with the world, I want to take EVERYONE's Photo's! I've started a Photo Blog where I'll be sharing the photo's I take, things that inspire me, and photographers I look up to! Here is the link.

I hope you follow it, I hope you tell your friends, I hope that you ask me to take your pictures!

heatherlyphotography.blogspot.com

Thank you so much for the support!

Family Contact Made

I made contact! My Aunt Sue called me a few nights and talked to me about my Grandma Ada. I felt bad asking her so many questions about Ada, and hardly any questions about herself. But, the good thing is that in time I’ll be able to talk to Aunt Sue and build a relationship with her. So here are some interesting facts about my Grandma:

She was Irish and English (I think I’m going to take advantage of the whole Irish thing and maybe start drinking a little…. Or a lot…. Lol!)
She was very smart and could do anything that she wanted to do. She sewed, cooked, embroidered, sang, yodeled (that was funny to hear) and she was the Valedictorian of her high school! (I am the same way! I do all of those things except for the yodeling. I do not let anything hold me back from doing what I want. I find it pretty easy to do most things, and have accomplished a lot of things that other people find a challenge, in a very little amount of time. I often don’t see the “big deal” while others are making a big deal. If I would of applied myself in high school I probably would of graduated as the valedictorian too! I wonder if I would of known that while I was in school if I would have tried harder.)
She was born in 1928, she died when she was 43 years old of breast cancer. (I will be getting checked ASAP!)
She was funny, but often times no one understood her humor and she and her sister (aunt sue) would crack themselves up while everyone else just looked at them like they were nuts. (Okay people, this happens to me on a daily basis! No lie!)
She played Softball and Basketball in high school, my grandpa would go watch her play and that’s how they met. He moved away from Arkansas to California to work, but came back to Arkansas to marry her.

I guess this doesn’t tell me everything about her, but these are some pretty good things to know! I wish I would of known these things sooner, but I’m grateful that I know them now! I look forward to building a relationship with my relatives that haven’t been so close to me in the past! This is going to be great!

Finding Family!

My Grandma Ada died when my dad was very young. She was very young and I’m not even sure what she died from. All of my life, I’ve been told that I look like her. All of my life I’ve wondered about her. I would ask my dad questions, but he didn’t have the answers. I would ask my grandfather questions but he would get choked up. He remarried my Grandma Francis, which happens to be the BEST grandma ever! And I think everyone feels like it would hurt her feelings to talk about my Grandma Ada, so mum is the word. She had 1 sister, and 1 brother, I know them as Aunt Sue, and Uncle Tom. Uncle Tom lived very close to me, yet we rarely ever saw him or his family. Aunt Sue lives in Arkansas, and I can only remember one time that I saw her, even though I know there have been more times.

The one time that sticks out to me the most is when I was maybe 13 or 14 years old. We were at a family reunion, and she came to California. She was talking to me about my Grandma Ada, and she said that her hair was like mine, and we had the same eye color. And she got extremely choked up and had to walk away. Because of that, I always felt like it was too hard for everyone to talk about her, so I never asked anyone about her.

When Uncle Tom passed away a few years ago, I met a lot of my second cousins, and I remember thinking that I belonged in that family. They were all like me. Built like me, acted like me, talked like me. I wanted to know more about them. I felt strange though because I feel like I’m missing out, and I have so many questions and wonders and thoughts and I want to ask ask ask. For them, they are missing nothing because they all have each other. I asked them to stay in touch with me, and I gave a few cousins my phone number and e-mail address but I never heard from them. I know that in life, we get busy and caught up and what is important to me, may not be important to them, so I don’t blame them.

Recently, I wrote to Aunt Sue. I had been watching that show “Who Do You Think You Are” and it always brings up lots of questions for me. I couldn’t stop thinking about Grandma Ada, and her story, and I had a deep desire to know more about her. I wrote to Aunt Sue and asked her many many questions. I told her how I feel, and how bummed I’ve been because of what I feel like I’m missing out on. I told her I would understand if she didn’t want to talk about it but hoped that she would. I sent the letter off and hoped for the best.

A few days later, The Guitar Hero and I were at Disneyland, gallivanting around at the happiest place on earth, which happens to be one of our most favorite places to go on dates! We were boarding the tram to get back to the parking structure, and I noticed I had a few Facebook messages. I didn’t recognize the names at first, but the titles of the messages were “Aunt Ada”. I was THRILLED to receive 2 messages from my Aunt Sue’s daughters, which would be my second cousins. They both knew my Grandma Ada, and they told me a few things about how wonderful she was and they were both going to send me letters, they also told me that my Aunt Sue was going to send me a letter, and call me. It was very emotional! I wasn’t expected a connection like that and so quick! My eyes instantly filled with tears. I felt like I was the only person on that tram with The Guitar Hero. He read the messages and saw me crying, and called me a girl. In a sweet loving way of course!

The next day I was looking at their pages, and I saw a picture that I thought was me, and it turned out it was a picture of a cousin that is my age. Then I saw her pictures as an adult, and I really thought we looked a lot alike! We have the same hair, the same mouth, the same eye color. It’s so strange to see someone who you have never met, but is your family, and you happen to look alike. My whole life, I’ve always felt a little bit on the outside of my family. I don’t look like my brother, I don’t look like any of my cousins, and so it’s weird to look like someone! It’s pretty cool though!

I’m so excited for the letters and phone calls to come! This is HUGE in my world right now!!!

Some Valentines love from my little love bug!

Here is my cute love bug…. She is gorgeous right??? I mean, yes, I am her mother, and I’m a little partial. But, really, her face, her hair, her eyes. She is to die for! It gets me into trouble though! She is so cute that when she is being her terribly 3 year old self, it’s so hard to stay firm and stern with her. I mean, with a face like this??? MAN!!!!

This weekend, we delivered Valentine’s Day treats to our grandma’s and grandpa’s and some of our favorite friends. The little love bug made her rounds and spread her cheery love magic all around. We baked cupcakes and made cards, and we brought flowers. It was fun and everyone loved seeing her ! After all, who wouldn’t? It’s fun to do these things now, because soon she will be WAY too cool to hang out with mom.

So, thanks for letting me have my proud mom moment! :)

Updates… nothing interesting

Well, things are getting on track better than ever! This past weekend I had a big yard sale, and everything that I didn’t sell went straight to goodwill, so my garage is rid of the massive amounts of crap that was hanging out in there! There is still a lot of organizing and going through things that I still need to do. I couldn’t really go through anything because everything was so cluttered in there! So, now that it is less cluttered, I’m going to go through it all, and organize, and get rid of more things that I don’t need. I’m trying to simply my life, and stop carrying around all of this clutter! I’d like to move one day soon, and if I do, I don’t want to have to worry about having junk around that I don’t need, and that I don’t want to store. I just want to be able to pick up and go and be free! I’m on track with making that happen, and I’m very excited about it!

I have some really great friends in my life! Friends that invited me to tag along and go to Napa with them! I’m taking a pretty much free trip, and I couldn’t be MORE excited about it! it’s going to be 5 days, of pure fun, relaxing, time to myself, time to read and think and journal and pray and reflect. It will be time to talk to people who are older, who care about me, who have been “there”, who have great insight on life, love, and all of the above. A time to try new things, drink a little, laugh a lot, and maybe even cry for a while. I’m looking forward to this time!

Things with the Guitar Hero are progressing nicely! We’ve been scheduling dates and hanging out as often as we can. We each have children and work full time, and other things that we enjoy doing, so we have pretty busy lives that don’t revolve around each other (yet). We have each made time to spend with each other, separately from our children and when the time is right they will be introduced into our relationship. I love the Guitar Hero. I LOVE him! He seems to have it all together, a good stable life, he is dependable, reliable, consistent, considerate. He is passionate, and loving, and genuine, and thoughtful. He listens to what I say, and pays attention. He observes, makes notes, and sends tulips instead of roses! He writes me songs I’ve yet to hear, he e-mails me songs that remind me of him. He is fantastic, and I’m enjoying being selfish and keeping him all to myself, and letting him love me and enjoying this love. He says the most wonderful things to me, things I’ve always wanted to hear, but not typical BS boy lines, real things that I’ve always wanted someone to say to me. Every relationship has been unlike any other, each having good and bad points, but this relationship is nothing but good, and of course, unlike any other, at the risk of sounding cliché.

I want things with him to be different. I haven’t given everything up for him to spend all of my time with him. I’ve been doing the things I still love to do. I’ve still be spending good quality time with my little one. I’m still taking the classes I wanted to take, I’m still working to make my life better, I’m still fitting in vacations with friends, and business trips to Chicago. I’m doing everything that I need to do for myself to make myself happy. I can not, and will not rely on him to make me happy. If I have learned anything this year, it’s that I have to find my own happiness. I’m glad he is there to support me, and experience this new chapter in my life with me. I want this chapter to be different. I want it to be all about me, and what I did for myself, and my family, and my life. I want it to be about how I loved him, and not waited around for him to love me. I want this chapter of my life to show my daughter that her mom worked hard, played hard, loved hard and enjoyed it all. I want her life to be different than mine. I want her to grow up feeling confident in herself and for her to know that she can do anything. I can do anything, but I have this constant feeling hanging over me that says “one day, they will catch on, and they will know, you can not do anything” Even though I can do anything, and some of my best friends have recently verbally spanked me for thinking otherwise. I want this chapter in my life to say, “I am Heather, and I set out to wake up every morning in pure happiness doing what I loved, and this is how I got here, and I wouldn’t have done it any other way. Who I am today, is because of what I was yesterday. I want to be proud of myself, I want to be confident in the things that I do, and know that I am worth it. That’s what this chapter is about in my life. ME ME ME. That’s why I say I want things with The Guitar Hero to be different. I don’t want my life to be all about him. I want my life to include him as another factor in all the parts that make up me. I’m so excited for this new outlook.

enjoying this journey....

The Guitar Hero told me that I was on a rocket ship going to the moon…. He is so right…. I’m always rushing… I rush everything! How do I calm down??? I need tips on how to date. Not on how to meet someone, and turn them into my husband. This is what I always do, because that’s all I know how to do. I met my husband at 19 years old; we were engaged when I was 21, and married at 22. I’ve never dated anyone. I don’t know how. I say that I’m an “all or nothing” kind of girl. As soon as I know there is someone out there, that I want to be a part of my life, I want to share everything right away. I don’t want to just share my story, but I want to share my time, my home, my cooking, my everything I have. I want people in my life who are meaningful to me. I don’t think there are any accidents in life, so when a person who is meaningful to me comes into my life, I want to keep them close to me so I can learn about them, learn from them, find out what they are all about and enjoy all the time I can possibly have together. I need to learn to enjoy the journey, and not worry about getting to the destination.

This is my other “thing” right now. I’m overly looking for assurance. Because this is un-chartered territory for me, I don’t know if what I’m doing is right, or is good, or is wanted. I keep trying to be assured that things are going down the right path so that I can protect myself if they aren’t. But, maybe I’m protecting myself from happiness too. I need to take a chill pill and relax. Ahhhhhh…..

Tonight is my last night with my daughter for the next 5 days. Maybe this is “bad mommy” talking. But man I’m sick of that 3 year old!!!! She all of a sudden woke up a different kid and I want my old one back! This version of my child is not pleasant at all! She kicks, screams, bites, throws crayons, and asks 14 million questions in 1 minute. I can’t take it! I’m pulling my hair out. Last night she came up with this new thing at bed time. She said “But mommy, I don’t know how to fall asleep” HA! What a laugh! All of a sudden after 3 years of falling asleep, you have just forgotten how to fall asleep! I’m looking forward to having a little break from her!

This weekend is super bowl Sunday weekend! And on Saturday I am having a HUGE Garage sale! I want to save up get a new computer so I decided to sell all my junk that I don’t need! Last weekend, I worked in my garage just cleaning and organizing, and my neighbors thought I was having a yard sale and I actually made 100 bucks! I’m hoping I can double that this weekend and put it towards my computer fund! Sunday, Me and the Guitar Hero are going to hang out. He asked me to go watch him play foot ball, and then afterwards to watch the game. So, this NON sports girl is going to be all sports’d out. But I’m looking forward to doing new things with a cool guy!
Soooo, here is to enjoying the journey and not worrying about the destination….

When the Stars line up

AMOS LEE rocked!!!!! It was the best experience I’ve ever had! I was so excited to be there at the concert to see someone that I really enjoy listening to, and he happened to play so great that it made the night even better! I brought the Guitar Hero with me to the show, and he REALLY enjoyed the show with me! He kept yelling “thank you!!!!” It was great!!! The Guitar Hero is great too! I think Friday night was one of the best nights of my life! I’m going to give you a rundown. He came over right after work, and he was already ready, but I wasn’t, so while I got ready, he played his guitar and sang for me. Every once in a while I would hear his made up lyrics “my girl’s so cute, I love watching her getting ready” It was very cute! We were both very nervous, but we both made ourselves get over it. As soon as I was ready, we left and headed to Down Town Disney where Amos was playing. I had to play all of my favorite Amos songs for him on our car ride over, and of course sing them at the top of my lungs to prove how much I loved them! We decided to have dinner at Down Town Disney, which was really great! The Guitar Hero will not let me open a door. EVER. I’ve never known someone like that! Usually it’s not a big deal to the guy I’m with, but with Guitar Hero, he will never let me open a door, and if I do get to the door first, he has to make a comment about how I opened the door. It’s pretty cute! So we had dinner, and afterwards we went to the concert. We got our drinks and our standing area picked out and waited for Amos. We had a lot of time to chat and kiss and chat and laugh and giggle. I swear I feel like I’m back in high school! The concert started and Amos was so great! Better than I even imagined! I was in heaven, on one side of me was Amos Lee, performing, only 20 feet away from me, and on the other side of me was this great guy who really wanted to be there with me, who was having just as much fun as I was having, and I get to call him my guy. It was an amazing feeling! It was like when all the stars line up, and everything goes right. I had no worries, no cares; nothing mattered because I was living in that one perfect moment. Nothing can ever take that moment away from me. It’s been replaying in my head over and over and every time it gets better and better.

There’s this one thing that I can’t stop thinking about. One of those “sign” kind of things. I’ve only been to 1 concert in my life before this past weekend. The day that I bought the Amos Lee tickets, I was just driving and singing, and I thought “I’ve never been to his website, I’m going to check it out” When I did, I saw that he had upcoming shows, and I really wanted to go. I texted the Guitar Hero and said “are you available Friday nights for a concert?” He said “yea” and I bought the tickets. He had no idea who I even wanted to see, and at this point, I had only been out with him once. I didn’t really know much about him or what he liked to do. Well it turns out that going to concerts is one of his favorite things to do. When he found out who we were going to see, he didn’t really know who he


was, but he was still excited to go. Well as we started hanging out more and more I would play Amos Lee and he started to like it more and more. When we saw the show he LOVED it, which I didn’t have any doubts that he wouldn’t! The strange thing to me is… me = never going to concerts, him = loves going to concerts, me = never stepping out of my box to do new things, me = decided to step out of my box, him = loved that a cool chick took him to a cool ass concert, (he said a girl has NEVER taken him to a concert) me = wow, it’s weird that I never go to concerts, and I invited this cool guy, and he really liked it, and this is “his thing”. I hope you get what I’m trying to say. It’s just weird how it all fell into place, how the stars all lined up and everything went right.

It’s so easy to be with the Guitar Hero! It’s cool to have someone who I think is very cool to go and do fun things with! I don’t have to constantly check on him to make sure he is “okay” or having a good time. It’s almost like when we are together, no one else is around, it’s just us 2, and everything goes right. I never had such an easy fun carefree, but at the same time, serious and meaningful time with someone. It’s preeeety great!

Dreaming on a star....

This post is brought to you by my inner soul’s wildest dreams…. Time to dream a little…

SO, I live in Southern California, Orange County to be more specific… I love the city I live in. It’s a small little Old Towne type of city. I love it! It’s great! I know all of my neighbors; everyone is so friendly and warm. I’m 1 mile from the sweetest little shops and I can walk there on a Sunday morning to have breakfast, and then walk home. During the holidays, the city is decorated and filled with so many happy people. I LOVE THE CITY I LIVE IN!!! However, I’m over living in the city! I would LOVE to move. Far far far away. But, because I share custody of my daughter, it’s pretty much impossible to just pick up and go, where ever, and when ever. Yep. I’m STUCK. Kinda sucks…. But a girl can dream can’t she? Lately I’ve been dreaming about cabins in the woods. Let’s talk about my cabin (the one I’m building in my heart and mind). It’s going to have a TON of rooms, so that if anyone or everyone wanted to come and visit, and stay, FOREVER, they could! It would have a craft room, that will be mine all mine, so I could sew, scrapbook, draw, paint, write and work on my photography work. The whole cabin would be set up with speakers in every room so I could pump my jams through the whole house, and it would also be set up so people could listen to their individual music in the room they were in if they wanted to. The KITCHEN…. YES!!!! It’s going to be amazing!!!! I’ll have a computerized recipe computer/TV that showed me videos if I needed them. I’d have all of the 100 cooking blogs that I follow at my finger tips. Of course there would always be music playing in the kitchen. I would have only the best of the best cooking and baking gear. I’d have lots of cabinets, and lots of counter spaces, and LOTS of free space so I could dance around and sing to the guy I love.

My family room would be filled with big comfy couches with blankets and pillows and a HUGE TV with every movie that was ever made. There would be soft furry rugs on the floor so your little toes could be in cushy floor heaven. There would be a sweet little corner in a window where the sunlight warmed the space and you could sit and read for however long you’d like (or for however long your ADD allowed you too.. in my case..). There would be a big fireplace that warmed the whole room, and every night I would sit in that room perfectly content watching the flames dance. And hopefully listening to someone playing me the guitar and singing to me!

My cabin would have the best wraparound porch EVER. There would be a swing, of course! There would also be nice chairs that you could sit in all day and just soak up the sun. Or maybe I would sit outside while I work on my embroidery projects, or cut stray threads from my sewing projects. I would just be sitting in nature, listening to sweet music, breathing in the fresh air, and feeling the sun on my body. I think I would have to have a tire swing of some sort! What’s a cabin in the woods without a tire swing?! I would find a cabin that had a lake close by, and we would go for mid afternoon summer swims, and then come back to the cabin for lunch and sweet tea. We would sometimes have camp outs and bon fires, and tell ghost stories and make s’mores. I can’t wait to see the leaves change in the fall, and to see snow fall in the winter, and to watch the wonder of spring, and enjoy the lazy days of summer in my cabin with all of the people I love most, who mean so much to me. I can’t wait!

is ur heart on fire?

I feel like my heart is on fire. Have you ever had that feeling? Yea, that’s what’s going on right now. At the same time, I have the worst head ache thinking about everything that is going on. Every time I see a meaningful quote, or picture, my heart just over reacts! Ever since I saw that show with Maya Angelou, I’m all Love, Love Laaa dee DA! Love does not bind… lets all love each other… I’m cracking myself up, but seriously, my heart feels like it’s on fire! And I’m pretty sure it’s not heart burn!!!

I want to talk about Guitar Hero a little bit. I work with Guitar Hero. I met him about a year ago. I always thought he was super cool, and would look forward to seeing him every day, but this past year I was with The Driller and with The Mover, so for me, I wasn’t trying to start anything new with anyone. We were just friends, and said hi and bye and smiled and flirted but that was really it. Turns out, the Guitar Hero felt the same way about me. We started hanging out, little by little just as friends, until the day he kissed me. Little by little we have been spending more and more time together. Last Sunday morning he came over, SUPER early, and crawled into bed with me and just cuddled up with me and we went back to sleep. When we woke up, we made breakfast and listened to music, and I sang to him, and we danced and kissed some more. I felt like I was living in a perfect moment that day. I never get to show him the whole real me because we work together. I’m always me, I’m never fake, but there are parts of me that people don’t get to see. Those parts, that are hidden away, are my favorite parts of me, the parts that warm my heart and make me smile. That morning, he got to see my favorite parts of me. The me that likes to be in comfy clothes, with my hair up and no makeup on. The me that likes to blast my music and sing sing sing my heart out. The me that enjoys laughing with someone, and kissing someone, and holding someone. OOOOOO it was great!!!!! By the way, is it weird that I enjoy holding my man? No, I REALLY enjoy it. Often times, all I can think about is laying in bed with a man, with his back to me, and my arm around him, placed on his heart, sleeping and holding him because he his mine and I never want to let him go (not to BIND him Que, but metaphorically, never let him go… because love does not bind, right? I don’t have the shackles on him! Just my sweet little arm!) . I’ve never asked women this question before, and I’ve never heard any other women say it is something she enjoyed. Oh how I do love to hold a man, I never fully enjoyed it until recently and now it seems to be my new favorite thing.

A lot of people have told me that I should take this time and be single, and not worry about guys. They say I should heal, and get my strength back. I see why all of these people say things to me, because they love and care about me and want me to be happy in the long run, and not just in the now. But, I feel like life was not made to go through alone, and if there are people, who want to be in my life, why not share it with them? I didn’t go on match.com looking for a date, I just happened to connect with someone who happens to be very cool, and thinks along the same lines as I do. I’m ENJOYING this newness. But part of me feels like I’m not allowed because my mom told me not to! Lol! Have you noticed that I don’t date. That I meet someone, and then I’m automatically with that someone. I have never really dated. I’ve always gotten to know someone, and at the same time, they get to know me, only to find out that there is a good connection, and then I’m in.... is that bad? Why do I care what other people think??? I read this great quote once… I hope I can remember it now…. “you don’t have to live your life the way other people expect you to” the first time I read that, it sort of “set me free” I think I’m going to write that down and put it on my cork board! I need to remember that one!

Every morning, Guitar Hero sends me e-mails with song lyrics that are meaningful to him, or attaches songs and tells me how ever since he kissed me he can’t get that one song out of his head. That’s pretty great right??? It’s one of my favorite things! The difficult part of seeing the Guitar Hero is that we work together. And, all I can think about is finding him, pulling him into a dark corner and having my way with him! But, that’s probably not such a great idea. I also don’t really enjoy people knowing my business that shouldn’t be advertised. So when I see him in the hall, and my face lights up with the biggest smile EVER, I have to verbally slap myself out of it because I just know that I’ll give it away. And his big smile doesn’t help much either.

There is this other part of me that feels guilty. Guilty that I’m seeing someone else and maybe I shouldn’t be because my boyfriend died 2 months ago. But, then I think about how I was with him for just a little over 2 months, and it was a very intense 2 months, but, he’s been gone, just about the same amount of time I knew him. And, I think, it’s not my fault that he isn’t here anymore, and I didn’t do anything wrong, so I deserve to be happy, and have fun, so what am I waiting for. But I still feel the guilt. I’m trying to let that go… I don’t think anyone would blame me for moving on, so why should I blame myself. Did I mention my head hurts? Ooooosaaaaaaa….. Enjoying the newness…. This is my daily mantra… (until it gets old)