is ur heart on fire?

I feel like my heart is on fire. Have you ever had that feeling? Yea, that’s what’s going on right now. At the same time, I have the worst head ache thinking about everything that is going on. Every time I see a meaningful quote, or picture, my heart just over reacts! Ever since I saw that show with Maya Angelou, I’m all Love, Love Laaa dee DA! Love does not bind… lets all love each other… I’m cracking myself up, but seriously, my heart feels like it’s on fire! And I’m pretty sure it’s not heart burn!!!

I want to talk about Guitar Hero a little bit. I work with Guitar Hero. I met him about a year ago. I always thought he was super cool, and would look forward to seeing him every day, but this past year I was with The Driller and with The Mover, so for me, I wasn’t trying to start anything new with anyone. We were just friends, and said hi and bye and smiled and flirted but that was really it. Turns out, the Guitar Hero felt the same way about me. We started hanging out, little by little just as friends, until the day he kissed me. Little by little we have been spending more and more time together. Last Sunday morning he came over, SUPER early, and crawled into bed with me and just cuddled up with me and we went back to sleep. When we woke up, we made breakfast and listened to music, and I sang to him, and we danced and kissed some more. I felt like I was living in a perfect moment that day. I never get to show him the whole real me because we work together. I’m always me, I’m never fake, but there are parts of me that people don’t get to see. Those parts, that are hidden away, are my favorite parts of me, the parts that warm my heart and make me smile. That morning, he got to see my favorite parts of me. The me that likes to be in comfy clothes, with my hair up and no makeup on. The me that likes to blast my music and sing sing sing my heart out. The me that enjoys laughing with someone, and kissing someone, and holding someone. OOOOOO it was great!!!!! By the way, is it weird that I enjoy holding my man? No, I REALLY enjoy it. Often times, all I can think about is laying in bed with a man, with his back to me, and my arm around him, placed on his heart, sleeping and holding him because he his mine and I never want to let him go (not to BIND him Que, but metaphorically, never let him go… because love does not bind, right? I don’t have the shackles on him! Just my sweet little arm!) . I’ve never asked women this question before, and I’ve never heard any other women say it is something she enjoyed. Oh how I do love to hold a man, I never fully enjoyed it until recently and now it seems to be my new favorite thing.

A lot of people have told me that I should take this time and be single, and not worry about guys. They say I should heal, and get my strength back. I see why all of these people say things to me, because they love and care about me and want me to be happy in the long run, and not just in the now. But, I feel like life was not made to go through alone, and if there are people, who want to be in my life, why not share it with them? I didn’t go on match.com looking for a date, I just happened to connect with someone who happens to be very cool, and thinks along the same lines as I do. I’m ENJOYING this newness. But part of me feels like I’m not allowed because my mom told me not to! Lol! Have you noticed that I don’t date. That I meet someone, and then I’m automatically with that someone. I have never really dated. I’ve always gotten to know someone, and at the same time, they get to know me, only to find out that there is a good connection, and then I’m in.... is that bad? Why do I care what other people think??? I read this great quote once… I hope I can remember it now…. “you don’t have to live your life the way other people expect you to” the first time I read that, it sort of “set me free” I think I’m going to write that down and put it on my cork board! I need to remember that one!

Every morning, Guitar Hero sends me e-mails with song lyrics that are meaningful to him, or attaches songs and tells me how ever since he kissed me he can’t get that one song out of his head. That’s pretty great right??? It’s one of my favorite things! The difficult part of seeing the Guitar Hero is that we work together. And, all I can think about is finding him, pulling him into a dark corner and having my way with him! But, that’s probably not such a great idea. I also don’t really enjoy people knowing my business that shouldn’t be advertised. So when I see him in the hall, and my face lights up with the biggest smile EVER, I have to verbally slap myself out of it because I just know that I’ll give it away. And his big smile doesn’t help much either.

There is this other part of me that feels guilty. Guilty that I’m seeing someone else and maybe I shouldn’t be because my boyfriend died 2 months ago. But, then I think about how I was with him for just a little over 2 months, and it was a very intense 2 months, but, he’s been gone, just about the same amount of time I knew him. And, I think, it’s not my fault that he isn’t here anymore, and I didn’t do anything wrong, so I deserve to be happy, and have fun, so what am I waiting for. But I still feel the guilt. I’m trying to let that go… I don’t think anyone would blame me for moving on, so why should I blame myself. Did I mention my head hurts? Ooooosaaaaaaa….. Enjoying the newness…. This is my daily mantra… (until it gets old)