A moment of POWER....

Today, I had this great moment of power, and now I can’t get over it!!! It’s like the best adrenaline rush + a great boost of confidence and energy! I’m very proud of myself! So here is what happened! I happen to work with my boyfriend (the Guitar Hero) it’s going on 10 months now, which is pretty good! I’m pretty happy, but of course I have my days where I get extremely irritated with The Guitar Hero because he is a guy, and guys are dense! There, I said it! Now it’s out in the open and we are all on the same page! So, lately I feel like we’ve been doing whatever he wants to do, and sometimes he wants to do boring things! He plans every day, and his plans include sitting in his car in a parking lot for lunch. That is cool sometimes, but not every day. So, today he calls me and this is how the convo goes:




GH: “Hey, its .50 pizza day, so do you want a slice, and we can sit in the car? I’m taking a 30 min lunch, so it’s up to you if you want to go or not, I know you cantake an hour.”

Me: “uhhhhh”

GH: “oh, ur trying to be healthy right? Okay well you don’t have to have pizza, but I’m going to have a slice, then take a 30 min lunch in the parking lot. It’s up to you if you want to go”

Me: “yea, I don’t want pizza, I was going to have a spinach salad with turkey breast, and I don’t want to eat salad in the car, it’s kind of hard, so I’ll just eat at my desk. Just do whatever you’re going to do, and I’ll do whatever I’m going to do”

GH: “Bwahahahahaaa… ur so funny, are you saying ‘I don’t want to play your reindeer games, I want you to play my reindeer games’”

Me: “ummm… I guess… I am not trying to play reindeer games, I just don’t want to sit in the car for 30 mins doing what YOU want to do. I think I’m going to target, I need to go do something fun for my hour”

GH: “Well, you leave the plans up to me, and now you aren’t happy because they aren’t fun… UGH!”



So, he got all mad that his plans are lame, and my plans are AWESOME! AND I couldn’t be happier about it. I just feel like lately all we do is whatever he wants, if he wants me to go to lunch with him to run his errands I do, if he wants me to just chill with him, I do. If he wants me to bring lunch from home for both of us, I do. It’s all about him and what he wants, and I get really frustrated and take it out on him. But the thing I realized today is that I have power. I have the power to do what I WANT TO DO, and I can do what is going to make me happy, and happy HEATHER is a better HEATHER!!! So, I just felt really good about making plans for myself that are going to make me happy. I need to stop worrying about him; I need to stop taking care of him! I’m not his mom or wife, I’m just his girlfriend! And you know what, he doesn’t go out of his way for me, and he doesn’t do whatever I want him to do. If I have “lame” plans in his eyes, then he makes his own plans. So, I’m going to start doing the same! It feels good to not rely on him to make me happy! I NEED TO MAKE MYSLEF HAPPY!!!! That is one thing that I keep trying to teach myself and learn over and over and over! I think one day I’ll get it! Lol!!! ONE DAY!!! But it’s getting closer to that day! And I LIKE IT! I like this new freedom I feel!!! I hope I can make it last!!!

Body Image Change

Lately my relationship with food and my body has changed in such a positive way!!! Here are some examples. Usually I wake up and I'm ready for breakfast and coffee. Now, I hardly think about eating until around 9:00, instead of the normal 6:30! For a while I would have a huge plate of fruit at my desk because i would get so hungry so quickly. Now, I bring and apple or an orange, and i may or may not eat it. My mouth hurts from chewing, and I'm only eating normal sized meals for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Something happened when I started admitting I had a problem! It was as if I were in jail, and as soon as I was honest with myself, the bars came down, and I feel free! Now I'm eating for fuel, and not for comfort, or joy, or sadness, or because its time.

I've been walking and running almost every day, and I'm not losing pounds, but I'm definitely sliming down, and looking better in my clothes. I no longer have a "pounds to loose goal" because i see that the number doesn't always matter, now I have goals about what I want to see slim down (my tummy... from having that big ole baby of mine!) and over toned in my whole body. I'm not very interested about losing my size, as i am losing the mommy tummy bulge. The MOST important thing is feeling happy and confident and knowing that I'm looking good, and I should be proud of what I've accomplished!

Mad at myself....

Why do I always allow this to happen? Why do I set up all of these goals, hopes and dreams, only to allow them to fade away when a guy comes around??? UGH its so irritating! I'm so irritated with myself!!!

After Fielder died Last December, I decided that it was time to take time for myself. To learn about myself, to grow and learn to be happy with me. I had a list of goals I wanted to accomplish this year, and I started off strong.

Then a guy came along, took up my free time, and I lost sight of what I wanted. And now I feel like I'm back to square one. Unhappy, alone most of the time, and always trying to please someone and not being pleased in return. I want to be clear that I'm not placing blame on anyone but me. In all of this I keep thinking "what am I doing wrong here" why do things always start off so great and magical, and then end up like crap.

I'm still seeing the guitar hero. Something is missing. He is practically living with me and my little one. But most nights he plans to be out until 8:00 or later if my little one is home with me. In a way its nice because I get lots of alone time with her, and she needs it! Especially since her daddy recently moved to the other side of the country. But, I still want the Guitar Hero to be around. I want him to participate in things, and not just make his own plans away from us all of the time. Its a total bummer, and I find myself getting really mad about it just about every day. Why am I putting up with it if I don't like it?? This is the part that bothers me! I love hanging out with The Guitar Hero... we have TONS of fun together!!!! but lately those days are far and few in between. I'm starting to long for someone who whats to be around, and participate. I'm starting to long for ALONE time, and not have to worry about feeling this way anymore. I hate complaining about it... but I needed to get it off of my chest.

I feel sort of sad about it. But when I ask for what I want (time) it always ends up being a fight, and I don't have the energy to fight anymore.

For now, I want to try and re-focus my self, and get back on track with my goals I set out to accomplish last year. I need to re-evaluate my goal list and set realistic goals that aren't silly, or too out of reach. (my first goal list had "run a marathon" THEN I found out how long a marathon was, and I was like "J/K!")

No more complaining about this... time to move on to the good stuff!!