Mad at myself....

Why do I always allow this to happen? Why do I set up all of these goals, hopes and dreams, only to allow them to fade away when a guy comes around??? UGH its so irritating! I'm so irritated with myself!!!

After Fielder died Last December, I decided that it was time to take time for myself. To learn about myself, to grow and learn to be happy with me. I had a list of goals I wanted to accomplish this year, and I started off strong.

Then a guy came along, took up my free time, and I lost sight of what I wanted. And now I feel like I'm back to square one. Unhappy, alone most of the time, and always trying to please someone and not being pleased in return. I want to be clear that I'm not placing blame on anyone but me. In all of this I keep thinking "what am I doing wrong here" why do things always start off so great and magical, and then end up like crap.

I'm still seeing the guitar hero. Something is missing. He is practically living with me and my little one. But most nights he plans to be out until 8:00 or later if my little one is home with me. In a way its nice because I get lots of alone time with her, and she needs it! Especially since her daddy recently moved to the other side of the country. But, I still want the Guitar Hero to be around. I want him to participate in things, and not just make his own plans away from us all of the time. Its a total bummer, and I find myself getting really mad about it just about every day. Why am I putting up with it if I don't like it?? This is the part that bothers me! I love hanging out with The Guitar Hero... we have TONS of fun together!!!! but lately those days are far and few in between. I'm starting to long for someone who whats to be around, and participate. I'm starting to long for ALONE time, and not have to worry about feeling this way anymore. I hate complaining about it... but I needed to get it off of my chest.

I feel sort of sad about it. But when I ask for what I want (time) it always ends up being a fight, and I don't have the energy to fight anymore.

For now, I want to try and re-focus my self, and get back on track with my goals I set out to accomplish last year. I need to re-evaluate my goal list and set realistic goals that aren't silly, or too out of reach. (my first goal list had "run a marathon" THEN I found out how long a marathon was, and I was like "J/K!")

No more complaining about this... time to move on to the good stuff!!