When the Stars line up

AMOS LEE rocked!!!!! It was the best experience I’ve ever had! I was so excited to be there at the concert to see someone that I really enjoy listening to, and he happened to play so great that it made the night even better! I brought the Guitar Hero with me to the show, and he REALLY enjoyed the show with me! He kept yelling “thank you!!!!” It was great!!! The Guitar Hero is great too! I think Friday night was one of the best nights of my life! I’m going to give you a rundown. He came over right after work, and he was already ready, but I wasn’t, so while I got ready, he played his guitar and sang for me. Every once in a while I would hear his made up lyrics “my girl’s so cute, I love watching her getting ready” It was very cute! We were both very nervous, but we both made ourselves get over it. As soon as I was ready, we left and headed to Down Town Disney where Amos was playing. I had to play all of my favorite Amos songs for him on our car ride over, and of course sing them at the top of my lungs to prove how much I loved them! We decided to have dinner at Down Town Disney, which was really great! The Guitar Hero will not let me open a door. EVER. I’ve never known someone like that! Usually it’s not a big deal to the guy I’m with, but with Guitar Hero, he will never let me open a door, and if I do get to the door first, he has to make a comment about how I opened the door. It’s pretty cute! So we had dinner, and afterwards we went to the concert. We got our drinks and our standing area picked out and waited for Amos. We had a lot of time to chat and kiss and chat and laugh and giggle. I swear I feel like I’m back in high school! The concert started and Amos was so great! Better than I even imagined! I was in heaven, on one side of me was Amos Lee, performing, only 20 feet away from me, and on the other side of me was this great guy who really wanted to be there with me, who was having just as much fun as I was having, and I get to call him my guy. It was an amazing feeling! It was like when all the stars line up, and everything goes right. I had no worries, no cares; nothing mattered because I was living in that one perfect moment. Nothing can ever take that moment away from me. It’s been replaying in my head over and over and every time it gets better and better.

There’s this one thing that I can’t stop thinking about. One of those “sign” kind of things. I’ve only been to 1 concert in my life before this past weekend. The day that I bought the Amos Lee tickets, I was just driving and singing, and I thought “I’ve never been to his website, I’m going to check it out” When I did, I saw that he had upcoming shows, and I really wanted to go. I texted the Guitar Hero and said “are you available Friday nights for a concert?” He said “yea” and I bought the tickets. He had no idea who I even wanted to see, and at this point, I had only been out with him once. I didn’t really know much about him or what he liked to do. Well it turns out that going to concerts is one of his favorite things to do. When he found out who we were going to see, he didn’t really know who he


was, but he was still excited to go. Well as we started hanging out more and more I would play Amos Lee and he started to like it more and more. When we saw the show he LOVED it, which I didn’t have any doubts that he wouldn’t! The strange thing to me is… me = never going to concerts, him = loves going to concerts, me = never stepping out of my box to do new things, me = decided to step out of my box, him = loved that a cool chick took him to a cool ass concert, (he said a girl has NEVER taken him to a concert) me = wow, it’s weird that I never go to concerts, and I invited this cool guy, and he really liked it, and this is “his thing”. I hope you get what I’m trying to say. It’s just weird how it all fell into place, how the stars all lined up and everything went right.

It’s so easy to be with the Guitar Hero! It’s cool to have someone who I think is very cool to go and do fun things with! I don’t have to constantly check on him to make sure he is “okay” or having a good time. It’s almost like when we are together, no one else is around, it’s just us 2, and everything goes right. I never had such an easy fun carefree, but at the same time, serious and meaningful time with someone. It’s preeeety great!

Dreaming on a star....

This post is brought to you by my inner soul’s wildest dreams…. Time to dream a little…

SO, I live in Southern California, Orange County to be more specific… I love the city I live in. It’s a small little Old Towne type of city. I love it! It’s great! I know all of my neighbors; everyone is so friendly and warm. I’m 1 mile from the sweetest little shops and I can walk there on a Sunday morning to have breakfast, and then walk home. During the holidays, the city is decorated and filled with so many happy people. I LOVE THE CITY I LIVE IN!!! However, I’m over living in the city! I would LOVE to move. Far far far away. But, because I share custody of my daughter, it’s pretty much impossible to just pick up and go, where ever, and when ever. Yep. I’m STUCK. Kinda sucks…. But a girl can dream can’t she? Lately I’ve been dreaming about cabins in the woods. Let’s talk about my cabin (the one I’m building in my heart and mind). It’s going to have a TON of rooms, so that if anyone or everyone wanted to come and visit, and stay, FOREVER, they could! It would have a craft room, that will be mine all mine, so I could sew, scrapbook, draw, paint, write and work on my photography work. The whole cabin would be set up with speakers in every room so I could pump my jams through the whole house, and it would also be set up so people could listen to their individual music in the room they were in if they wanted to. The KITCHEN…. YES!!!! It’s going to be amazing!!!! I’ll have a computerized recipe computer/TV that showed me videos if I needed them. I’d have all of the 100 cooking blogs that I follow at my finger tips. Of course there would always be music playing in the kitchen. I would have only the best of the best cooking and baking gear. I’d have lots of cabinets, and lots of counter spaces, and LOTS of free space so I could dance around and sing to the guy I love.

My family room would be filled with big comfy couches with blankets and pillows and a HUGE TV with every movie that was ever made. There would be soft furry rugs on the floor so your little toes could be in cushy floor heaven. There would be a sweet little corner in a window where the sunlight warmed the space and you could sit and read for however long you’d like (or for however long your ADD allowed you too.. in my case..). There would be a big fireplace that warmed the whole room, and every night I would sit in that room perfectly content watching the flames dance. And hopefully listening to someone playing me the guitar and singing to me!

My cabin would have the best wraparound porch EVER. There would be a swing, of course! There would also be nice chairs that you could sit in all day and just soak up the sun. Or maybe I would sit outside while I work on my embroidery projects, or cut stray threads from my sewing projects. I would just be sitting in nature, listening to sweet music, breathing in the fresh air, and feeling the sun on my body. I think I would have to have a tire swing of some sort! What’s a cabin in the woods without a tire swing?! I would find a cabin that had a lake close by, and we would go for mid afternoon summer swims, and then come back to the cabin for lunch and sweet tea. We would sometimes have camp outs and bon fires, and tell ghost stories and make s’mores. I can’t wait to see the leaves change in the fall, and to see snow fall in the winter, and to watch the wonder of spring, and enjoy the lazy days of summer in my cabin with all of the people I love most, who mean so much to me. I can’t wait!

is ur heart on fire?

I feel like my heart is on fire. Have you ever had that feeling? Yea, that’s what’s going on right now. At the same time, I have the worst head ache thinking about everything that is going on. Every time I see a meaningful quote, or picture, my heart just over reacts! Ever since I saw that show with Maya Angelou, I’m all Love, Love Laaa dee DA! Love does not bind… lets all love each other… I’m cracking myself up, but seriously, my heart feels like it’s on fire! And I’m pretty sure it’s not heart burn!!!

I want to talk about Guitar Hero a little bit. I work with Guitar Hero. I met him about a year ago. I always thought he was super cool, and would look forward to seeing him every day, but this past year I was with The Driller and with The Mover, so for me, I wasn’t trying to start anything new with anyone. We were just friends, and said hi and bye and smiled and flirted but that was really it. Turns out, the Guitar Hero felt the same way about me. We started hanging out, little by little just as friends, until the day he kissed me. Little by little we have been spending more and more time together. Last Sunday morning he came over, SUPER early, and crawled into bed with me and just cuddled up with me and we went back to sleep. When we woke up, we made breakfast and listened to music, and I sang to him, and we danced and kissed some more. I felt like I was living in a perfect moment that day. I never get to show him the whole real me because we work together. I’m always me, I’m never fake, but there are parts of me that people don’t get to see. Those parts, that are hidden away, are my favorite parts of me, the parts that warm my heart and make me smile. That morning, he got to see my favorite parts of me. The me that likes to be in comfy clothes, with my hair up and no makeup on. The me that likes to blast my music and sing sing sing my heart out. The me that enjoys laughing with someone, and kissing someone, and holding someone. OOOOOO it was great!!!!! By the way, is it weird that I enjoy holding my man? No, I REALLY enjoy it. Often times, all I can think about is laying in bed with a man, with his back to me, and my arm around him, placed on his heart, sleeping and holding him because he his mine and I never want to let him go (not to BIND him Que, but metaphorically, never let him go… because love does not bind, right? I don’t have the shackles on him! Just my sweet little arm!) . I’ve never asked women this question before, and I’ve never heard any other women say it is something she enjoyed. Oh how I do love to hold a man, I never fully enjoyed it until recently and now it seems to be my new favorite thing.

A lot of people have told me that I should take this time and be single, and not worry about guys. They say I should heal, and get my strength back. I see why all of these people say things to me, because they love and care about me and want me to be happy in the long run, and not just in the now. But, I feel like life was not made to go through alone, and if there are people, who want to be in my life, why not share it with them? I didn’t go on match.com looking for a date, I just happened to connect with someone who happens to be very cool, and thinks along the same lines as I do. I’m ENJOYING this newness. But part of me feels like I’m not allowed because my mom told me not to! Lol! Have you noticed that I don’t date. That I meet someone, and then I’m automatically with that someone. I have never really dated. I’ve always gotten to know someone, and at the same time, they get to know me, only to find out that there is a good connection, and then I’m in.... is that bad? Why do I care what other people think??? I read this great quote once… I hope I can remember it now…. “you don’t have to live your life the way other people expect you to” the first time I read that, it sort of “set me free” I think I’m going to write that down and put it on my cork board! I need to remember that one!

Every morning, Guitar Hero sends me e-mails with song lyrics that are meaningful to him, or attaches songs and tells me how ever since he kissed me he can’t get that one song out of his head. That’s pretty great right??? It’s one of my favorite things! The difficult part of seeing the Guitar Hero is that we work together. And, all I can think about is finding him, pulling him into a dark corner and having my way with him! But, that’s probably not such a great idea. I also don’t really enjoy people knowing my business that shouldn’t be advertised. So when I see him in the hall, and my face lights up with the biggest smile EVER, I have to verbally slap myself out of it because I just know that I’ll give it away. And his big smile doesn’t help much either.

There is this other part of me that feels guilty. Guilty that I’m seeing someone else and maybe I shouldn’t be because my boyfriend died 2 months ago. But, then I think about how I was with him for just a little over 2 months, and it was a very intense 2 months, but, he’s been gone, just about the same amount of time I knew him. And, I think, it’s not my fault that he isn’t here anymore, and I didn’t do anything wrong, so I deserve to be happy, and have fun, so what am I waiting for. But I still feel the guilt. I’m trying to let that go… I don’t think anyone would blame me for moving on, so why should I blame myself. Did I mention my head hurts? Ooooosaaaaaaa….. Enjoying the newness…. This is my daily mantra… (until it gets old)

Love does not bind....

Last night I was watching Oprah’s Master Class, the episode was about Maya Angelou. She briefly touched on her life story, and talked about her experiences, and said some really beautiful things. Things that really set my heart on fire in a way I didn’t expect when I turned that TV on last night. I watched the show twice last night, and saved it on my Tivo to watch again. That’s how much I just wanted to absorb everything she was saying.

She said this one beautiful thing about how her mother told her how great she was, and she loved her so much, that she set her free into the world to grow and explore. And she said that years later when her mother was dying, she felt like she needed to give her permission to go, and to set her free… And then she said this about love:

Love liberates, it does not bind. Love says “I love you. I would like to be near you, I’d like to have your arms around me, I’d like to hear your voice in my ear, but that’s not possible now, so I love you…. Go…”

I just can’t stop thinking about that, I’ve never thought about it that way… and now I can’t stop thinking about it that way… and I feel like my heart is on fire because of those simple words…

I think about it in lots of different ways. First I think about it with my child. I don’t see her everyday anymore, and no matter where she is, and no matter if I talk to her, or not, I love her, and I’d always set her free to be her best. I think about it with James’ passing, especially the part about “I’d like to have your arms around me, I’d like to hear your voice in my ear, but that’s not possible now, so I love you… Go…” I’ll think about that statement in all of my future relationships. And try not to hold them so close, but set them free, to love them, and to liberate them with my love, and see what happens, rather than forcing the situation.

She also spoke about how her mother was a very good lover, because so many men, and if she wasn’t mistaken, women risked their lives to love her. I’ve never risked my life to love someone. Have you? Have you DARED to love someone? Have you sat and thought about what that really means??

At this point in my life, I feel like I know what I want now, more than ever, which I’m sure will continue to evolve over time. It’s sort of nice to be in the situation I’m in because I can openly explore different types of guys, and decided which one is the one I want to explore even more? A friend recently started showing me some attention, starting asking me to go to things, and offered to show me how to play the guitar. Well, guitar lessons, sort of turned into kissing lessons. It was quite nice, and I really didn’t expect it. I’m not sure where things will go with Guitar Hero. (his code name). But for me, I know that my emotions are very worn out, and I may not be ready for anything serious. I KNOW I’M NOT READY! I have a hard time saying no, to something I enjoy doing. So, instead of saying no, I’m saying SLOOOOW…. And I’m just going to keep having fun, and remembering that it’s all day by day.

In my whole life, I’ve never openly looked or searched for a partner. They have always found me, and I’ve always let them in. I believe that everything happens for a reason, people are put in our lives for a reason. So, I like to figure out what that reason is. I’m also learning that I’m a very “all or nothing” sort of person. When I love someone, its full force and I spend all of my free time with them, or in thoughts of them. Now, I’m trying to learn to remember that I’m still alive, and I can’t forget about myself, and I have to remember that it doesn’t have to be full force right away and to take some time to breathe, and do things for me. I love this thing called life, and all we learn from it if we really listen!

Finding the happy...

Well, it’s been a few days! Man I’ve been busy!!! This week I was in sales meetings all week and business dinners every night. It was really great! I learned a LOT, and have already been applying everything I learned! I made a new buddy in the UK! He is SUPER awesome!!! We hit it off great and will be friends forever! Too bad he lives in London! But, the good news is, since we work for the same company, I’ll get to see him at least 4 times a year at our sales meetings! I’ve never laughed as much as I did this past week, which was just what the doctor ordered!!!

So, lately, I’ve been craving hugs, and to be touched. It’s been a month and a half since the last time I’ve really had someone in my arms. Currently, I’m taking offers for cuddle buddies. HA! I really just want a boy in my bed so I can touch him. I didn’t realize how much I enjoyed having someone there to touch. I want to call someone up and ask them to come over and just lay with me. Is that weird? I just want to lay with someone. The problem with that is that the other person always wants more… and that’s the last thing on my mind. I wish I just had a friend who really understood that I miss being held, and could come hold me for a while, and maybe sleep there with me. It’s hard to go to bed every night alone, especially when it wasn’t your choice to have it taken away. Even thought I had a great week, every night I came home, to a dark lonely house. I think it’s good that I can have this time to be alone, and think and read and pray and meditate and listen to the silence, but when I crawl in bed, I want him there. I want him back so badly. I want to lay on his chest while he plays with my hair. I want to enjoy forehead kisses, and nose cuddling. I want it back! It’s just so not fair that he’s gone.

I’ve been living in the moment more and more each day. I have to say that it’s a much better way to live! Most of the time I don’t even know what day or date it is. This is not how I’ve ever been before. Every day I wake up (drag myself out of bed!) and do whatever daily task is at hand! This weekend I’m organizing my garage and getting ready for my huge garage sale! I’m trying to simplify, and clear the clutter, and I know I’ll be much happier once I don’t have so many belongings to keep track of.

I decided I wanted to start playing guitar. I borrowed my little brother’s guitar and I’ve been practicing a little on it. I’m not sure if I’m doing any good or not, but it’s fun, it gives me something to do. I have a friend to plays guitar and said that they would show me some stuff, so that’s pretty cool. Tonight I’m going to a Food Truck Meet Up. Where a bunch of local food trucks meet at one location and it’s like a food truck convention. It’s pretty cool! So, even though I have my sad moments, I try to find the happy ones in the things I’m doing. As you all know, life does go on, so I’m choosing to make the best of it!

Say Yes and LIVE!

Today, my husband told me that his heart was not into working out our marriage. I guess I deserved that, because I was the one who didn’t want to work it out the first time. It’s okay that he feels that way. I’m sort of bummed because I was looking forward to the challenge, and looking forward to being drug through the mud and coming out clean at the other end. But, it looks like I’ll have to take that journey alone. Which is okay. I’m not too broken up about it, just bummed because I think that it could have worked and been good. I’ve realized a lot of things during this period of him having to “THINK” about what to do. I realized that life is too freakin short to sit around thinking, and it’s time to SAY YES, and LIVE! So, that’s what I’ve been doing! And it’s wonderful!!!!

My whole life I’ve looked at the week in blocks of time. M-F and then the weekend. Always waiting waiting waiting for the weekend to come, only to have it pass by so quickly! Last week was the first time in my life that I actually lived each day for what it was, and enjoyed every single day of the week! You know what, It was the best week of my life! I decided to start saying “YES” and living! I planned a little adventure for myself, I went on a couple of dates/hang outs, I treated myself to a massage, I signed up for Yoga. It was great! I had a date with my parents, which was awesome! It was just a fun fun fun time and I will forever live this way now!

Today, I signed up for Burlesque Classes! Ooooo I’m so excited! Today, I also went to Target and got some SUPER awesome deals! AND the best part of my day was… wait for it… waaaaaait for it…. I got tickets to see Amos Lee… HOW GREAT IS THAT!!!! I hope that he sees me in the audience, and can’t take his eyes off of me, and invites me to go back stage, and then falls in love with me, and wants me to marry him and have his babies… and hopefully he’ll sing to me every morning while he’s making me breakfast… right?!?! Okay, new goal added to January: Make Amos Lee fall in love with me!! I’m having so much living this life! James really taught me how to live for today, and not for next week! What a gift that is!

Soooo, overall, life is good. Really good! I’m happy, I’m healthy, I’m blessed with a wonderful family, what more could a girl ask for? It’s pretty awesome to be me!!!

Random Acts of Kindness…

This week my random act of kindness has been to leave notes for people. So, I’ve left 2 notes so far, both on the desks of my co-workers with a little chocolate. Just a note to say Hi, thank you, I love you, and I think you are pretty great. It’s a great rush to leave these sneaky little letters around! I like it. I like it so much, that I decided I would add in a few extra acts that I just make up because I felt like it. So, in addition to the notes, I’ve also said hello and introduced myself to a co-worker I didn’t know, and ended up having lunch with him. And that has turned out to be a nice friend so far, so that’s pretty exciting too! I’m learning to open myself up to new experiences and see what happens, and you know what, it’s not so bad, or so hard! I do it with James in mind, because he was so friendly, and open hearted. He had to say hello to everyone he passed, and he liked to make sure people always felt good around him. You never know who you might meet in this world, or how they are going to affect your life, so why not try to meet everyone and impacted in the most wonderful way! Now, that’s something to live for!!!
I hope I inspire one of you (my 7 readers) to do something for someone, just because you feel like it, and don’t expect anything in return. It’s a good lesson on unconditional love! Go for it! What do you have to lose??

Here's to a New Year...

Well, Project "better my life in 2011" is well on its way!!!

This month’s goals:
1) Clean the crap out of my apartment, get rid of all old things that haven't been used or are un-needed, and sell and make money off of my junk. (And donate or trash the rest!)
2) Head down to my local college campus to get some info about starting to take classes in the fall. (I have to plan ahead and "amp myself up")
3) Find my camera manual so I can take the Photography class I signed up for... (This will happen once goal #1 is more underway!)

So, this weekend, I cleaned the heck out of my Kitchen! I dumped loads of old things that I haven't touched in years. It feels great to go into my kitchen and not feel like it’s overfilling with clutter that is ready to bust out of my cabinets! So, kitchen down, living room and Christmas decorations are next on the agenda!

Yesterday, I spent the majority of the morning on my hands and needs, Cinderella Style, scrubbing my floors. I moved the fridge, the stove, the washer and dryer, and I scrubbed every last speck of dirt off the walls, baseboards and floors. And while I tried to hurry and get it done, so that I wasn't ignoring Rapanzul for too long, I mean, my 3 year old who makes me call her Rapanzul, well she kept coming in the kitchen, and slipping and sliding around (in her Rapanzul dress), making my life much more difficult than it needed to be. Which is what I guess 3 year olds are best for? She now does this thing... I'll ask her to do something, Such as, "Pick up your hat and bring it into your room" and her answer is "why?" And I say "because I asked you to" and her reply is "uhhhggggg" OH MY GOODNESS! This child is only 3, and already acting like 13 year old. I'm gonna need a lot of help with this one! SHEESH!!!!! She is a good girl, but man she has a mouth on her, and it’s often so funny, cleaver, and perfect, that it’s hard to not laugh. I try to not encourage this back talking stage so I TRY to keep my laughter hidden, but sometimes it’s just too much!!! AND SHE KNOWS IT! So, anyway, after I renovated the kitchen with my magic sponge, I took her to the movies to see Tangled, (the Rapanzul movie) and we had a blast! It was pretty cool! I NEVER just decided to go out to the movies on a Sunday Night. But it was a lot of fun, and I think I’ll be doing more things like that!

I need to get out of the house. Ever since James passed away I walk around doing funny things. I’m constantly looking into windows and mirrors wishing I could see his reflection. I think about how maybe his sprit will be lingering around the apartment, so I keep most of the lights off, and look into the dark rooms hoping for a chance to see him. I have so many unanswered questions about that day he passed away. He had re-arranged my pantry that day. And so now I find myself looking through the pantry wondering if maybe he put something in there for me to find. So I take everything out, look in boxes that are opened and see if anything is waiting for me. He had a bunch of single serve tea packs in the pantry, and he was the only one who drank them, I just pull them out of the cupboard and look at them, and then put them back. He sometimes would put beer in the freezer, in the box where the ice is made, and I sometimes pull out that box looking for a beer that he left behind, or if there is something else in there. I open drawers that I’ve never looked in, wondering if I’ll find a secret forgotten love note from him. At night, I stall getting into bed. That is the worst part for me at this point. When he was there, he would always turn the bed down, he would put my little blanket under the sheets so I could be warm (I need a lot of blankets!) He would wait for me to get into bed, and then he would snuggle up right with me. He would run his fingers through my hair and we would talk until we fell asleep. I always have the coldest hands and feet. He would let me put my cold hands on his warm back, and my cold feet on his warm feet so I could warm them up, and then he would laugh because I would make him shiver with my cold hands! It’s the little things like that that I’m having a hard time letting go of. I sit and wonder wonder wonder what happened. Why didn’t he come back that night? If he would have come back, would he still be alive? What if I would have come home earlier that day and made him dinner and hung out with him, would he be alive? I wonder when he actually passed away. I wonder if he struggled or was in pain. I wonder what it was that he actually died from. I wonder if I would have messed with him at 11:00 pm that night by tapping on his bedroom window from outside, would I have woken him up, and would he still be here today. Every night I lay in bed talking to him, hoping that he can hear me. I plead with him to show himself, to touch me, to let me know he is around. I beg that he visit me in my dreams so that I can talk to him. But nothing happens, nothing has changed. I feel like I can have contact with him, I just have to figure out how. It’s a weird feeling, like a mystery that I WILL solve, with time, and patience, but it will happen. It may be crazy, but I just can’t walk away from the fact that we had a good connection, and his body dies, and we no longer have contact. I can’t wrap my mind around it, I can’t believe that it’s the end, I won’t stop trying to connect with him because I know that there is a way, and I will find it. Okay, maybe that is crazy talk… But I won’t give up.

So many things are happening right now. There are too many things to process. After months of being broken up with The Driller, he is still around and I’m still trying to sort things out with him. My husband and I are in talks of working out our marriage. I am trying to deal with a death, an unexpected death which is very hard to deal with. I’m trying to be motivated in my job. I’m trying to be a good mommy and not be sad around her. I’m trying to better my life so that I can enjoy every moment for what it is worth and live happily for the things I believe in. I have a long way to go before I can fix my marriage. I have a lot of things to work out, and get over before I can make a commitment like that. Otherwise it wouldn’t be fair to him. Who would want to fix things with someone who is still hung up on the death of another man? It’s something that is very hard to get over. But day by day I’m dealing with it. I’m learning and growing from all of the past years challenges, struggles and lessons. The best thing that has come out of all of this is that I can see who my real people are. I know what a strong family bond I have, and I’m so grateful for my family! Without them, I would be lost, sitting alone, in my dark apartment, with no food, no shower, in bed, crying. But they wouldn’t let me do that! They called me, they stayed on the phone with me so I could prove that I was eating. They picked me up and made me go on dates with them. I’ve spent the last 3 weeks on dates with my parents. Its actually fun dating your parents! They have good advice, and they listen, and they are looking out for you even if you don’t always know it. I love my family! More today than ever!

(Mac, My bro, My step dad, My mom, me)


So, here is to a new year, a fresh start, and a wonderful journey!