Well, Project "better my life in 2011" is well on its way!!!
This month’s goals:
1) Clean the crap out of my apartment, get rid of all old things that haven't been used or are un-needed, and sell and make money off of my junk. (And donate or trash the rest!)
2) Head down to my local college campus to get some info about starting to take classes in the fall. (I have to plan ahead and "amp myself up")
3) Find my camera manual so I can take the Photography class I signed up for... (This will happen once goal #1 is more underway!)
So, this weekend, I cleaned the heck out of my Kitchen! I dumped loads of old things that I haven't touched in years. It feels great to go into my kitchen and not feel like it’s overfilling with clutter that is ready to bust out of my cabinets! So, kitchen down, living room and Christmas decorations are next on the agenda!
Yesterday, I spent the majority of the morning on my hands and needs, Cinderella Style, scrubbing my floors. I moved the fridge, the stove, the washer and dryer, and I scrubbed every last speck of dirt off the walls, baseboards and floors. And while I tried to hurry and get it done, so that I wasn't ignoring Rapanzul for too long, I mean, my 3 year old who makes me call her Rapanzul, well she kept coming in the kitchen, and slipping and sliding around (in her Rapanzul dress), making my life much more difficult than it needed to be. Which is what I guess 3 year olds are best for? She now does this thing... I'll ask her to do something, Such as, "Pick up your hat and bring it into your room" and her answer is "why?" And I say "because I asked you to" and her reply is "uhhhggggg" OH MY GOODNESS! This child is only 3, and already acting like 13 year old. I'm gonna need a lot of help with this one! SHEESH!!!!! She is a good girl, but man she has a mouth on her, and it’s often so funny, cleaver, and perfect, that it’s hard to not laugh. I try to not encourage this back talking stage so I TRY to keep my laughter hidden, but sometimes it’s just too much!!! AND SHE KNOWS IT! So, anyway, after I renovated the kitchen with my magic sponge, I took her to the movies to see Tangled, (the Rapanzul movie) and we had a blast! It was pretty cool! I NEVER just decided to go out to the movies on a Sunday Night. But it was a lot of fun, and I think I’ll be doing more things like that!
I need to get out of the house. Ever since James passed away I walk around doing funny things. I’m constantly looking into windows and mirrors wishing I could see his reflection. I think about how maybe his sprit will be lingering around the apartment, so I keep most of the lights off, and look into the dark rooms hoping for a chance to see him. I have so many unanswered questions about that day he passed away. He had re-arranged my pantry that day. And so now I find myself looking through the pantry wondering if maybe he put something in there for me to find. So I take everything out, look in boxes that are opened and see if anything is waiting for me. He had a bunch of single serve tea packs in the pantry, and he was the only one who drank them, I just pull them out of the cupboard and look at them, and then put them back. He sometimes would put beer in the freezer, in the box where the ice is made, and I sometimes pull out that box looking for a beer that he left behind, or if there is something else in there. I open drawers that I’ve never looked in, wondering if I’ll find a secret forgotten love note from him. At night, I stall getting into bed. That is the worst part for me at this point. When he was there, he would always turn the bed down, he would put my little blanket under the sheets so I could be warm (I need a lot of blankets!) He would wait for me to get into bed, and then he would snuggle up right with me. He would run his fingers through my hair and we would talk until we fell asleep. I always have the coldest hands and feet. He would let me put my cold hands on his warm back, and my cold feet on his warm feet so I could warm them up, and then he would laugh because I would make him shiver with my cold hands! It’s the little things like that that I’m having a hard time letting go of. I sit and wonder wonder wonder what happened. Why didn’t he come back that night? If he would have come back, would he still be alive? What if I would have come home earlier that day and made him dinner and hung out with him, would he be alive? I wonder when he actually passed away. I wonder if he struggled or was in pain. I wonder what it was that he actually died from. I wonder if I would have messed with him at 11:00 pm that night by tapping on his bedroom window from outside, would I have woken him up, and would he still be here today. Every night I lay in bed talking to him, hoping that he can hear me. I plead with him to show himself, to touch me, to let me know he is around. I beg that he visit me in my dreams so that I can talk to him. But nothing happens, nothing has changed. I feel like I can have contact with him, I just have to figure out how. It’s a weird feeling, like a mystery that I WILL solve, with time, and patience, but it will happen. It may be crazy, but I just can’t walk away from the fact that we had a good connection, and his body dies, and we no longer have contact. I can’t wrap my mind around it, I can’t believe that it’s the end, I won’t stop trying to connect with him because I know that there is a way, and I will find it. Okay, maybe that is crazy talk… But I won’t give up.
So many things are happening right now. There are too many things to process. After months of being broken up with The Driller, he is still around and I’m still trying to sort things out with him. My husband and I are in talks of working out our marriage. I am trying to deal with a death, an unexpected death which is very hard to deal with. I’m trying to be motivated in my job. I’m trying to be a good mommy and not be sad around her. I’m trying to better my life so that I can enjoy every moment for what it is worth and live happily for the things I believe in. I have a long way to go before I can fix my marriage. I have a lot of things to work out, and get over before I can make a commitment like that. Otherwise it wouldn’t be fair to him. Who would want to fix things with someone who is still hung up on the death of another man? It’s something that is very hard to get over. But day by day I’m dealing with it. I’m learning and growing from all of the past years challenges, struggles and lessons. The best thing that has come out of all of this is that I can see who my real people are. I know what a strong family bond I have, and I’m so grateful for my family! Without them, I would be lost, sitting alone, in my dark apartment, with no food, no shower, in bed, crying. But they wouldn’t let me do that! They called me, they stayed on the phone with me so I could prove that I was eating. They picked me up and made me go on dates with them. I’ve spent the last 3 weeks on dates with my parents. Its actually fun dating your parents! They have good advice, and they listen, and they are looking out for you even if you don’t always know it. I love my family! More today than ever!
This month’s goals:
1) Clean the crap out of my apartment, get rid of all old things that haven't been used or are un-needed, and sell and make money off of my junk. (And donate or trash the rest!)
2) Head down to my local college campus to get some info about starting to take classes in the fall. (I have to plan ahead and "amp myself up")
3) Find my camera manual so I can take the Photography class I signed up for... (This will happen once goal #1 is more underway!)
So, this weekend, I cleaned the heck out of my Kitchen! I dumped loads of old things that I haven't touched in years. It feels great to go into my kitchen and not feel like it’s overfilling with clutter that is ready to bust out of my cabinets! So, kitchen down, living room and Christmas decorations are next on the agenda!
Yesterday, I spent the majority of the morning on my hands and needs, Cinderella Style, scrubbing my floors. I moved the fridge, the stove, the washer and dryer, and I scrubbed every last speck of dirt off the walls, baseboards and floors. And while I tried to hurry and get it done, so that I wasn't ignoring Rapanzul for too long, I mean, my 3 year old who makes me call her Rapanzul, well she kept coming in the kitchen, and slipping and sliding around (in her Rapanzul dress), making my life much more difficult than it needed to be. Which is what I guess 3 year olds are best for? She now does this thing... I'll ask her to do something, Such as, "Pick up your hat and bring it into your room" and her answer is "why?" And I say "because I asked you to" and her reply is "uhhhggggg" OH MY GOODNESS! This child is only 3, and already acting like 13 year old. I'm gonna need a lot of help with this one! SHEESH!!!!! She is a good girl, but man she has a mouth on her, and it’s often so funny, cleaver, and perfect, that it’s hard to not laugh. I try to not encourage this back talking stage so I TRY to keep my laughter hidden, but sometimes it’s just too much!!! AND SHE KNOWS IT! So, anyway, after I renovated the kitchen with my magic sponge, I took her to the movies to see Tangled, (the Rapanzul movie) and we had a blast! It was pretty cool! I NEVER just decided to go out to the movies on a Sunday Night. But it was a lot of fun, and I think I’ll be doing more things like that!
I need to get out of the house. Ever since James passed away I walk around doing funny things. I’m constantly looking into windows and mirrors wishing I could see his reflection. I think about how maybe his sprit will be lingering around the apartment, so I keep most of the lights off, and look into the dark rooms hoping for a chance to see him. I have so many unanswered questions about that day he passed away. He had re-arranged my pantry that day. And so now I find myself looking through the pantry wondering if maybe he put something in there for me to find. So I take everything out, look in boxes that are opened and see if anything is waiting for me. He had a bunch of single serve tea packs in the pantry, and he was the only one who drank them, I just pull them out of the cupboard and look at them, and then put them back. He sometimes would put beer in the freezer, in the box where the ice is made, and I sometimes pull out that box looking for a beer that he left behind, or if there is something else in there. I open drawers that I’ve never looked in, wondering if I’ll find a secret forgotten love note from him. At night, I stall getting into bed. That is the worst part for me at this point. When he was there, he would always turn the bed down, he would put my little blanket under the sheets so I could be warm (I need a lot of blankets!) He would wait for me to get into bed, and then he would snuggle up right with me. He would run his fingers through my hair and we would talk until we fell asleep. I always have the coldest hands and feet. He would let me put my cold hands on his warm back, and my cold feet on his warm feet so I could warm them up, and then he would laugh because I would make him shiver with my cold hands! It’s the little things like that that I’m having a hard time letting go of. I sit and wonder wonder wonder what happened. Why didn’t he come back that night? If he would have come back, would he still be alive? What if I would have come home earlier that day and made him dinner and hung out with him, would he be alive? I wonder when he actually passed away. I wonder if he struggled or was in pain. I wonder what it was that he actually died from. I wonder if I would have messed with him at 11:00 pm that night by tapping on his bedroom window from outside, would I have woken him up, and would he still be here today. Every night I lay in bed talking to him, hoping that he can hear me. I plead with him to show himself, to touch me, to let me know he is around. I beg that he visit me in my dreams so that I can talk to him. But nothing happens, nothing has changed. I feel like I can have contact with him, I just have to figure out how. It’s a weird feeling, like a mystery that I WILL solve, with time, and patience, but it will happen. It may be crazy, but I just can’t walk away from the fact that we had a good connection, and his body dies, and we no longer have contact. I can’t wrap my mind around it, I can’t believe that it’s the end, I won’t stop trying to connect with him because I know that there is a way, and I will find it. Okay, maybe that is crazy talk… But I won’t give up.
So many things are happening right now. There are too many things to process. After months of being broken up with The Driller, he is still around and I’m still trying to sort things out with him. My husband and I are in talks of working out our marriage. I am trying to deal with a death, an unexpected death which is very hard to deal with. I’m trying to be motivated in my job. I’m trying to be a good mommy and not be sad around her. I’m trying to better my life so that I can enjoy every moment for what it is worth and live happily for the things I believe in. I have a long way to go before I can fix my marriage. I have a lot of things to work out, and get over before I can make a commitment like that. Otherwise it wouldn’t be fair to him. Who would want to fix things with someone who is still hung up on the death of another man? It’s something that is very hard to get over. But day by day I’m dealing with it. I’m learning and growing from all of the past years challenges, struggles and lessons. The best thing that has come out of all of this is that I can see who my real people are. I know what a strong family bond I have, and I’m so grateful for my family! Without them, I would be lost, sitting alone, in my dark apartment, with no food, no shower, in bed, crying. But they wouldn’t let me do that! They called me, they stayed on the phone with me so I could prove that I was eating. They picked me up and made me go on dates with them. I’ve spent the last 3 weeks on dates with my parents. Its actually fun dating your parents! They have good advice, and they listen, and they are looking out for you even if you don’t always know it. I love my family! More today than ever!
(Mac, My bro, My step dad, My mom, me)So, here is to a new year, a fresh start, and a wonderful journey!
Since husband and I moved, the "date nights" with my parents is what I miss the most. It's amazing how great they are once you grow up lol. Have a very happy new year Heather!!
ReplyDeleteawww, sorry that you miss your parent date nights!!! Isn't it funny how when we are kids we can't stand our parents. And now all we want is them. lol! You have a very happy new year too Heather!!! :)
ReplyDelete