beautiful day

Wow... today has left me speechless... I had such a wonderful day!  I woke up, I watched a few shows, had coffee, went to the farmers market, ate beautiful fresh food, walked around my old town, came home and altered this spanish inspired white linen dress so i could wear it to the Cinco de Mayo festival,  went to the mall and scored 3 pairs of panties from Victoria Secret for only $14.00, came home, made love, took a nap, woke up, went to the festival, had churros and tacos, left the festival, walked around my old towne again with coffee, stopped at the store, came home, made a healthy dinner, took a shower, had a cocktail, and now I'm getting ready for bed.  What a full beautiful day it was!  Spent with new friends, and old friends, doing new things, and enjoying what has been given to me! 

For the first time, I loved who I was, and what I was doing!  It was such a beautiful day! 

I hope you are finding the joy in the everyday simple things of this one life we have!!!  

self reflecting...

I've been doing a lot of self reflecting today, and the past few weeks/months.... I want to make a change... I want to be different than I am right now, so I'm trying to understand myself so I can make these adjustments, and ultimately find peace with myself!

Today I was expecting to spend time with a guy friend of mine.  In my eyes, this meeting should have started much earlier than it did.  Because of that, I felt the need to "hurt" the other party, but trying to make them feel sorry for me.  What the heck?  I ended up laying in bed, looking all mopey and lame, and then I decided to snap out of it and get up and act like I was having fun.  Why do I think looking pathetic makes the other person feel bad, and change their ways.  It never has in the past....  

So, I'm making a shift to not want people to feel bad for me, and turn that negative energy into positive energy and go do something for myself, and with myself so that in the future I don't have to rely on people's feelings or actions to make me happy!  And I don't have to rely on the company of others to satisfy my boredeom.  And ALSO I decided that when ever I start feeling lonely and with nothing to do, I'm going to reach out to my girlfriends and see about getting myself included more often.

I really need to start rebuilding relationships with people that I let go of.  And I'm trying to find inner peace so that I can be happy with myself, because I sometime spew my negative on others with out even knowing it.  All this time I thought I was a really positive person, but looking back, I think I'm actually pretty negative.  I had no IDEA! So I'm starting this shift, to help me end up in a better place than the one I'm coming from right now.

29....

So, I'm 29....  I'll be 30 soon... it didn't used to matter... but for some reason, it all of a sudden does.

The other day I found a lump in my breast.... I wasn't scared at first... I'm still not SCARED... I'm more disappointed... disappointed that i'm almost 30 and I haven't done anything... I don't really care about getting older, but I'm disappointed that i'm almost 30, and I've been in the same spot for such a long time, and I found a lump, and THIS could be it... What have I been wasting my time for?  I keep saying... "I'm gonna do.... I'm gonna.... I'm gonna.... "  seems to be my favorite phrase!  I'm gonna.... Sounds real... But it never turns out.  I never do what I say I'm gonna do.  Never.

So, I was wandering around the house this evening thinking to myself... What would I tell my 20 year old self... Wondering if I would actually listen or not... And then I got to thinking... I should ask my parents... I should ask my older friends, aunts, uncles, grandparents... If you were my age again... What would you tell yourself?  And I wanted to say... Be BRUTALLY honest!  But I was a coward thinking they would direct their comments to how they THINK I should live... So I left that part out... But I'm interested in what my elders would tell their younger selves.  I feel like this information could be so useful in the future decisions I make for myself!  And... I'm interested in what YOU would tell your 29 year old self!

Well hello there...

Where have you been???  Oh, is it me who disappeared?  yea, it was me!  Well, I'm here, trying to make a come back!  I've been busy these past few months, and got sort of lost in all of the madness!  I'm thankful the Holidays are over!  I'm thankful for the new year.  I'm ready for some change, and trying to find the strength to make those changes.  I'm trying to get over "temporary satisfactions" and try to focus more on long term happiness!  I'm trying to remember, "does the good out weigh the bad?  or vice versa?".  I don't want to hurt anyone, but prolonging is hurting.  I'm being a coward, and afraid of losing a friend, and that temporary satisfaction.  So, I've been racking my mind with what to do, and how to do it, or is that what I really want.  So, we'll see.

I'll post more regularly, and I'm coming up with some new ideas for a blog.  Something i'm really passionate about, but scared about the judgment of it all.  More details to come!!!