self reflecting...

I've been doing a lot of self reflecting today, and the past few weeks/months.... I want to make a change... I want to be different than I am right now, so I'm trying to understand myself so I can make these adjustments, and ultimately find peace with myself!

Today I was expecting to spend time with a guy friend of mine.  In my eyes, this meeting should have started much earlier than it did.  Because of that, I felt the need to "hurt" the other party, but trying to make them feel sorry for me.  What the heck?  I ended up laying in bed, looking all mopey and lame, and then I decided to snap out of it and get up and act like I was having fun.  Why do I think looking pathetic makes the other person feel bad, and change their ways.  It never has in the past....  

So, I'm making a shift to not want people to feel bad for me, and turn that negative energy into positive energy and go do something for myself, and with myself so that in the future I don't have to rely on people's feelings or actions to make me happy!  And I don't have to rely on the company of others to satisfy my boredeom.  And ALSO I decided that when ever I start feeling lonely and with nothing to do, I'm going to reach out to my girlfriends and see about getting myself included more often.

I really need to start rebuilding relationships with people that I let go of.  And I'm trying to find inner peace so that I can be happy with myself, because I sometime spew my negative on others with out even knowing it.  All this time I thought I was a really positive person, but looking back, I think I'm actually pretty negative.  I had no IDEA! So I'm starting this shift, to help me end up in a better place than the one I'm coming from right now.