Attention... I need too much!

Attention… I want it… I need it… I crave it…. and I get it… but not from who I want it from at all times of the day. Does that make sense? Let me break it down for ya! I work with the Guitar Hero, he is about 100 feet or less away from me at most times of the day. Yet, we keep our relationship as low key as possible to avoid office gossip and rumors spreading like wild fire. YET they always do seem to spread like wild fire, and they are the craziest rumors, but that’s a whole other topic. Lately, The Guitar Hero and I have been spending more time together in the evenings, which seems to have made our office time way less. For instance, he use to rush to my office as soon as he knew I was here to give me a kiss, or we would sneak off to a dark corner and cop a quick feel. We would e-mail constantly back and forth and pass each other and smile at each other without saying a word, just quick eye contact as to say “hello sexy… I’m thinking bout cha” now….. it’s like HOURS before we see each other while we are at work, the e-mails have almost stopped, other than a quick chat about lunch or after work plans. He used to send me a song every morning. It would be in my inbox waiting for me before I even arrived to work, there it would be, now… nada. I should cut him some slack and explain that he has had a rough couple of months and is a little out of sorts trying to find his way through life and living, and he has a lot to sort out and I know I’m not #1 priority on his list right now. And I’m okay with that fact, and I’m doing my best to be understanding, and not telling him every day how I’m missing our e-mails, I’m missing his attention, I’m missing all the cute secret kisses and the rush and excitement from all of that. I’m trying to find the balance and take it all with a grain of salt (what does that even mean!)… I look at how he treats me when we aren’t here at work, and that hasn’t changed, and I know there isn’t any funny business going on behind my back, so there, I cut him his slack. However, it seems that ever since this has been going on, there is another fellow who is always on the prowl and who is giving me attention. Do I like the attention? Yes. I’m an attention JUNKIE! Do I feel UNCOMFORTABLE with the attention? HECK YES! And I’ve told him to stop, yet, it seems when you tell the creeps of the world to stop, they keep coming back for more, and stronger, and from every angle! What’s an attention Junkie to do?

Part of this attention issue comes from the fact that I was always heavy growing up, and now that I’ve lost weight, and I’m looking good, and I’m feeling confident, I seem to attract more attention from people who would have NEVER given me attention in the past. So, it’s exciting to get it from someone who would of never given it to me before. I’ve been working hard on this attention problem that I have. I’ve been trying to find the happy within myself, and every time I sit here at my desk, waiting for some attention from the Guitar Hero, I start taping my little fingers, and start figuring out what I can do to make myself happy in that moment, so I don’t need it from him, or anyone else. At home I get TONS of attention! TONS!!! But here, for these 9 hours out of the day, it’s like dead air radio silence.

What should I do? Should I tell The Guitar Hero how I need his attention while we are here? Should I leave it alone and think “it’s for the better because we don’t need everyone in our business”? How do I go about avoiding the other co-worker who is giving me large amounts of attention at a time where I’m craving it the most? I already know the answers… Ignore the other co-worker, and tell him to F*off, and don’t’ worry about it so much while we are here at work because everyone doesn’t need to know what’s going on between us, and continue finding my happy and doing things that are helping me grow and become the woman I want to be! Okay! So that’s the plan!

On a side note… I’m still working on my to do list before I turn 30– I reevaluated the list and it’s kind of silly! But that’s okay, I’m still working on it, and so far this month I’ve accomplished a few things! Number 1, I enrolled in school for the fall! BOOYA!!!! I can’t wait!!! #2 I’ve been working on my photography business like NO OTHER! Last night I took a photography class, the instructor was great and recommended a great college to attend for a photography program! So, even though I already enrolled in the first college, I’m going to look into the other college and get set up to start in the fall there! The Guitar Hero said he wanted to go too! Wouldn’t that be cool if he took photography classes with me, and we became a team and lived and breathed and ate and drank photography?! What a thought!

I’m so proud of myself because I haven’t let myself get lost in this relationship! This is the first time in my life that I’ve stood by what I’ve said and continued to press forward with my goals! Last night The Guitar Hero wanted to hang out, and was giving me every reason to want to hang with him, and I really wanted to stay home and curl up on the couch and watch the game with him and eat dinner with him and enjoy the gloomy weather we had yesterday. But, I did not! I went to the class, and I learned A LOT, and I found out information I needed to know! So, I’m proud of myself for going! This is NOT like me, and I like the me I’m becoming now!

I’m also still working really hard on another goal which was to lose this last 40 lbs! I’m not stepping the scale 15 times a day anymore, and in fact I haven’t stepped on the scale since last Saturday, so I don’t know how many pounds I’ve lost, but I do know that I’m wearing clothes that I haven’t ever worn before and I feel great! I’ve been walking/jogging, and every day I feel my endurance getting stronger and its becoming easier for me to hold the jog for longer periods of time! It feels great and even if I don’t lose 1 pound, I’m so proud of myself and I feel so good for even getting out there and working on it. I feel my body changing and transforming and it’s really cool! It helped a lot to start talking about my struggles in the previous 2 posts! So, that’s what’s going on with me! Thanks for all the encouragement!