I have had a serious case of writers block. There are a few reasons. Life isn’t perfect, and I feel like I complain too much on this blog. I don’t want to just come here to tell happy or sad stories of my life. When I look back on the fielder posts, (which I removed), and The Driller posts (which I removed) I get so irritated with myself! Part of me is on this journey to discover what life is all about, and yea, I’m going to fall, to have heart ache, to have heart joy, and I’m going to experience lots of ups and downs and it’s all about the experience of this journey, not the final destination. And it’s sort of cool to document all of that, but when I look back at it, I feel like it’s not real, it was censored, it was embellished to make things look better than they were. It’s always the good stuff that gets more embellished. I’m always afraid that the people I write about will read it, and I want them to be happy with what I write. This is MY blog and I should write about what I want and not care, but I do. I just haven’t felt like writing about anything these days. My inspiration has sort of dwindled, life has been hectic, life has changed, I’m just trying to find my place in it all. My biggest struggle lately has been realizing that I am NOT everyone’s wife or mother. I am one person’s mothers, and she happens to be 3. I am NO BODY’s Wife (as of June 23rd 2011). I don’t need to take care of everyone, I am allowed to be selfish with my time, it is okay if I am alone and my boyfriend (the guitar hero) is out doing his thing.
This is the way my life went
1982 – Born
Lived at home from 1982 – 2005
Took care of my younger brother while my parents were at work from the age of 13+
Was always expected to be responsible
Cooked and cleaned to help out my mom who worked full time
Ended up becoming the wife and mother to everyone
In 2004 my parents divorced, and I lived with my dad for 1 year, I took care of him since he was no longer married to my mom, and had no one to take care of him. (my self imposed thoughts)
In 2005 I was married and moved in with my husband. And took care of him
In 2007 I had my daughter, and started taking care of her
In 2010 my husband and I split up, and I started taking care of The Driller, then Fielder, and now I TRY to take care of the Guitar Hero.
2011 – Realizing that I am only one person’s mother, and it really sucks that I spent the last 28 years worried about others when I should have been allowed to go and have fun and live and discover what life was about instead of being at home with my little brother every day after school for all of those years.
I’m MAD about it! Last night I was watching a movie, there was a beautiful girl in the movie, and a man who was learning to surf. I got mad for 2 reasons, first I was mad at my mother for allowing me to put junk into my body that has allowed me to be overweight! I wish she would have had healthy choices for us instead of processed boxed and bagged foods! Second I was mad because I never got a chance to learn to do anything, or to discover what I liked or didn’t like because I was always home watching my brother and being responsible! I should have been allowed to go out and have fun and live and explore life so that I would of made better life decisions, like not getting married at 22 years old, and finishing school, and building better friendships, and enjoying the sun instead of Top Raman. I’m MAD about it! I know it’s never too late, but I feel like I missed out on so much, and now I am mother, and I do have to be responsible, and sometimes just feel like it’s not fair! There was a point in my life recently that she told me that my dad had told her that they should do something about my weight. And she said that she thought I was happy and she didn’t see the need. I was never happy about my size. My hope now is that I can make sure that my child doesn’t have the same issues and thoughts that I have. That I’ll always have healthy options available for her, and she will choose wisely. In my house now, there are no boxes of processed noodles, or rice, or frozen pizza snacks. Those things are eliminated from my life and I will never feed them to my child and I promise to let her grow and explore and have the chance to fail, because I never did, and I want that for her!
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I COMPLETELY get where you are coming from, both in terms of fear of people reading your blog, and feeling annoyed with the way my parents did their job with me. But, they always loved me, and so many people don't have that, so I usually just let it go. Good to see you are back blogging, missed ya!!
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