just getting it off my chest....

Busy busy busy…. Never time to sit or rest or relax! It’s crazy! The best part is I do it to myself! But, I remind myself of this motto that I once heard Sarah Jessica Parker say. “I can sleep when I’m dead” It helps remember to enjoy my life, enjoy my now 3 year old, and enjoy the fact that I have the ability to be busy. Right now I’m busy making Christmas Gifts! I’m making purses, aprons, and headbands for all of the young girls in my life. I’m making Christmas pillows, ornaments, and crocheted towels for all of the mature ladies in my life! I feel frantic about it, but, I’ve devised a plan, and I’ve got to settle myself down, and just stick with the plan! DON’T DERAIL FROM THE PLAN!!! Everything should work out just fine, I may miss out on meals and sleep, but it will be worth it! Okay, so it isn’t that bad, I have to tell the dramatic Scorpio in me to chill out!

I wanted to do an advent calendar this year, I saw this really great idea to do a Random Acts of Kindness countdown to Christmas calendar. I got everything ready to do it, and then I decided that I just don’t have the time and energy to put a full force daily Random Act of Kindness mission in to place right now. But, I still have that Random Act of Kindness lingering in my heart, so I will do some random acts here and there, but not an everyday mission like I originally had planned. Then, I had this great idea to continue the Act’s into next year. So… Here’s my plan. I am going to create a weekly calendar for year 2011. Every Sunday night, I will open up the Random Act of Kindness “mission” and I’ll have all week to perform that task. I can do it as many times as I want, or just once if I want. It could be buying the person’s coffee behind me, visiting an old folk’s home, taking old books to a mall play area, bringing goodies to the library. We can do them individually, or as a family. It all depends on the task, the time, the location, the mood, the situation. I’m looking forward to this project for a few different reasons. First of all, it gives me a chance to do something new, every week. It will probably get me out of the house and meeting new people, and I think it’s just sort of exciting that cool things are going to be happening to other people. I think I might get some cute “RACK’ed” (Random Act of Kindness) cards made up so that I leave the card behind, and can sort of get the ball going, and hopefully the next person will catch on and pay it forward! I’ll be sure to blog about it as well.


This is way off subject, but something that’s on my mind. So, this week I’ll be signing the paperwork to get started on my divorce. It’s a weird and sad feeling. I didn’t really TRY to work things out with my husband since he left, so I really don’t have the right to be sad. I keep thinking about our wedding, and I keep wondering if we are doing the right thing. I look at my daughter, and I think, I wish she had a sister, with the same mom and dad as her. But, then I think about all those nights that I had no attention paid to me. The nights were the computer sat on my husband’s lap instead of me sitting on his lap. The nights that I would wake up in the middle of the night and he would be playing dominoes on the computer, and I would think, “Why isn’t he playing with me?” The times that I would plan activities outside of the house so that we could grow, talk, connect, and he would be on his phone instead of participating in life. He now has a girlfriend, and he likes to tell me how she appreciates all of the attention he gives her. It’s nice to know that he can give it to her, when he should have been giving it to me. So, maybe, we could have worked it out, I guess the problem wasn’t so bad that we couldn’t of worked it out. The problem was, our hearts were not in it and we did not want to fix things. Tomorrow is the day that we meet with the lawyer; it’s going to be a strange day. Before I meet with the lawyer, I’ll be going to my individual counseling session. It’s sort of funny that I have a counseling session, before I go to get divorced. My plan is to… Look good, and feel really good about myself, so, that way, if, I start to get upset, I can remind myself how pretty I am, and how great I am on the inside too!!! I feel sad for my daughter. I feel sad that she has to be shuffled around because we are so selfish. I feel sad that she won’t ever get to see her mom and dad hanging out and having fun all together as a family. I don’t miss my husband, but I do miss my child’s father being around. She sees him, just as much as she sees me, but I wish that she could see us together. I wish that we could parent her together, and teach her together, and give her new experiences together. I guess that’s the hard part about this divorce for me. That now it’s just me and her, even if I do have a boyfriend, the responsibility all falls on me to teach her, and grow her. I know that I can do it, and I’m a great mom, but it would be nice for our little family to be put back together…. For her sake…. I know that’s not enough, if we get back together, it can’t be for her, but, because of her, I want to be back together. My stubborn Scorpio will not allow me to work things out with my husband. I always see the bad in him, and it’s hard for me to find the good now, after all of the hurt that has happened. I guess I need to work on that a little…. I think there are a lot of things I need to work on. I’m grateful for this time in my life because I have the ability to work on myself, do things for myself, and open up my eyes and hopefully make the changes I need to make in order to be able to make myself happy!!! Because, at the end of the day, all I really want is to be happy!